Whiskey Fire

Whiskey Tastes You

To be clear: it is not the policy of this blog to make fun of horrible idiots. It is the hobby of the person who perpetrates this blog to make fun of horrible idiots.

Hey look -- Andrew J. Patrick!

Like guerrilla warfare, all political protests aim at substituting concentration and passion for actual numbers. The idea is to pretend that your opinions are entirely mainstream, even though they’re so far removed from the mainstream that you have to organize a protest to express them.

NOTES. Citations missing. Concept of "guerilla warfare" utterly puerile, pig-ignorant. Argument hilariously not informed by awareness of many people knowing and studying relevant history, and talking about their findings in public fora. Use of "all" in first sentence worth snickering over. Obvious bog-standard pompous dumbass.

Of course, if your “protest” involves nothing more than saying Rape is Like, Seriously Bad You Guys while dressed up like a prostitute (because, post-structuralist ironic frisson!), then you must go he extra mile to pretend that anyone not totally on board with your project is just Terrified of Strong Women, Or Something.

NOTES. Link goes to RS McCain. Hahahahaha. "Post-structuralist ironic frisson" not actual joke involving knowing jack, or shit.

As for RS McRape:

What people used to mean by the word “rape” has been revised in recent decades because of college women complaining about date rape. The rhetoric of SlutWalk activists — “No means no!” — is obviously not directed at the lurking sociopath, the knife-wielding career criminal who pounces from ambush in darkened alleys. Rather, feminist harangues about the meaning and importance of consent are directed at otherwise law-abiding men who don’t cope appropriately with sexual rejection....

Nowhere is this problem more widely decried than at America’s colleges and universities. Date rape is an apparently common campus crime that usually involves two drunk young people, one of whom has an erect penis, and the other of whom is unable to avert what the erect penis typically does.

YES YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE, THAT IS RAPE.

If you are "unable to avert" an "erect penis" penetrating you... THAT IS TEXTBOOK RAPE.

As Myles used to say: GAH! GAH! GAH! ("it cannot be often enough stated: women are people.")

The point of the SlutWalks is that women are, you know, sexual: and that's great! Women can be as sexual as they please. Because women by and large like sex, because sex is great.

But men are still not allowed to rape women.

Why any of this is complicated is beyond me....

“Strong Woman.” It bothers me how much I hate hearing these words. It shouldn’t. Women are perfectly capable of being Strong, and indeed, must be strong if they hope to have any kind of success in life. But strength is the child of Self-Discipline. You become strong by concentration, by endurance, by will. You do not become strong by making an idiot of yourself in public with fellow idiots.

NOTES. Well, pal, you're churning on agreeably with the "making an idiot of yourself in public"  program....

Hello, women? This young twit would like you to know that you are perfectly capable of being Strong! Ain't he a peach?

Strong is not the same as Loud. Strong is not the same as Rude. Strong is not the same as Agreeing With Every Other Persun in the Room With Ovaries (because, Solidarity!). And Strong is not the same as complaining about Esoteric Linguistic Oppression when…

NOTES. When you paraphrase a sexist link, you learn that sexism is grand!

My Lord, this dimwit publishes this picture:

 

You clearly can't be trusted to handle your bits responsibly, so kindly keep the fuck away from my kids?

Thanks much, fuckface.

SUPERMAS. Fuckface replies!

It's... sad. See, I employed words in capital letters, and thus failed to appreciate the Lighthearted Humor of RS McCain's charming rape comedy jokes.

What can you do.

The Lives of Others

Our Mournful Lady of the Soggy Biscuit is lachrymose.

We teach children to have no higher expectations than possible pregnancy at age eleven. So they grow up believing that no one can be trusted (not the least themselves) in the realm of sex; it’s always about managing the evils of jealousy and monotony, while hoping for finding something that looks like it could be love and happiness in a culture that has stripped fundamental words of meaning. “Freedom” is in having no standards by which to make choices, and having anyone who wants to propose something better marginalized.

What?

She's waxing weepy about a BBC article to do with four certain persons who are "polyamorous," which is a thing that exists, one imagines, though to be honest, you read that article, and you think of the Mitchell & Webb sketch about avocado bathrooms.

But it's the "We teach children to have no higher expectations than possible pregnancy at age eleven" which is weird; the hell is she on about?

Oh -- it's about how "we" shouldn't give eleven year old girls the morning after pill because forcing them to bear a child would teach them about "higher expectations."

I guess if your whole shtick is Pretend Internet Nun this makes sense, because someone has to get paid for being an ineffectual scold don't they.

Getting back to the "polyamorous" folks in the BBC piece, you know, whatever? I am as it happens not remotely interested in their private lives.

But, like, at least they have private lives -- you're a grownup, you have grownup relationships, and these are what they are. 

Shit....

Here's what I mean. I'm a married heterosexual monogamous dad. This qualifies me to judge nobody but myself.*

But K-Lo is judgmental as fuck about other people's life choices, and her basis for her sodden displeasure is what the Pope said.

I mean this kills:

Love and marriage and the baby carriage might be boring in comparison, but it’s not doomed if the Google server crashes. It’s also not all about adults, but is open to higher expections and a commitment to rise to responsibilities and challenges together, toward good and actually away from evil.

I've done this hard work -- K-Lo, uh, has not -- and what has it mostly taught me?

To shut the fuck up about "good and evil" as regards other people's choices and freedom, because I'm not qualified.

Come to think of it, it's frankly offensive, and repulsive, for someone who has not experienced heterosexual monogamous marriage, with kids, to speak with Our Voice.

If it's so frickin' awesome, well, try it yourself.

(Some Catholics back in the day suspected they were gay but faked it for a few generations -- and that made Everyone Happy! Yay Mandated Heterosexualness!)

Basically, I'm a straight monogamous dad-guy because, well, because. If I could be anything else because it would piss off people I don't like, I would cheerfully do that. Oh well.

Thus: K-Lo seems kind of stalker-creepy not to me but to My People, and if she comes within ten miles of my kids, I want a fucking restraining order.

Elegant Females

By New York Post standards especially, this is a funny and interesting story told by a young human female describing her life and making informed choices as regards her sexuality.

The PJ's Lifestyle commentary on this particular young woman's story is... a thing that exists.

It used to be perfectly normal to be a virgin till marriage, at least for women, to stay virgin until marriage.  In fact in most societies it was the expected thing.  The pivotal turning point in Jane Austen’s Pride and  Prejudice comes when one daughter, Lydia, elopes and lives with a man who has no intention of marrying her.

Uh, I wrote a book about Austen, and the fuck? NO we don't abide by those crazy codes anymore.

Also someone capable of writing "the pivotal turning point" is capable of any atrocity.

To be sure, we always knew it was coming, since movies like Splendor in the Grass made it sound like not having sex could send an otherwise sane woman clean off her rocker.

That is a quote!

That is a quote!

That is a quote!

And the leprechauns dance.

 

 

 

 

 

You'll Never Find Another Love Like Moms

The Colt 45 is on ice, the baby oil is on the nightstand, it's a hot night in the city, so let's examine wingnut ideas regarding sex, ideas so exciting, you won't want to have sex anymore, ever.

Here is a person at Pajamas Media Life-Style who wishes to inform us about The True Meaning of Sex. (I am going to ignore the long opening segment about Ayn Rand and sex, because when someone picks a fight with Ayn Rand about sex, and Ayn Rand wins, well, I don't go into detail about tentacle porn either, though that is a far more mentally healthful subject.)

Enjoy the sexy.

So it seems with the culture at large. An act which epitomizes connection has become detached from its vital moorings, divorced from marriage, divorced from love, and – most consequentially – divorced from parenthood.

He means that it's bad to fuck without a baby occuring.

Now, I myself have had sex that has resulted in further humans. Within the legal bonds of long-term monogamous heterosexual matrimony, no less.

However, while I am no Lothario what takes the singular recherche biscuit, the numerator of times I've had fuck-fuck far exceeds the demoninator of instances where the deed occured in hopes of me ultimately having to wipe the shit out of tiny asses.

What I am saying is that in my experience, sex was and is about sex, and the procreation was in two cases out of three the result of meticulous hottness aforethought (the last one was the result of Irish Family Planning, which is to say, an oopsie).

Despite a disproportional focus in public discourse on rape, incest, and the health of mothers, most abortions prove elective, committed for no other purpose than ignoring reality, shirking responsibility, and dismissing consequence.

It surely is a blow to the pro-choice side that most abortions are to do with choice.

Somehow.

You slut you had sex NOW DEAL WITH THE CONSEQUENCES! THUNDER OF THOR!

This desire to erase any trace of a child’s existence informs the irrational claim that the child wasn’t really a child anyway. The emotionalism surrounding that claim erupts mightily when challenged, because otherwise rational people know in both their hearts and minds that, if a child exists upon conception, its parents bear responsibility for it.

Quid pro arglebargle fooferah.

The same principle applies to procreation. A neighbor in need has no moral claim to your assistance. However, a child which exists as a consequence of your own action does. As with the hit and run scenario, intention proves largely irrelevant. The consequences of your actions exist in reality and define your responsibility regardless of any wish to the contrary. Just as the duty to remain on the scene of a collision exists whether it was an accident or not, so too does the duty to care for one’s children. Pretending that an unborn child is not really a child proves fundamentally no different than pretending a struck pedestrian was really a dog.

Uh, my neighbor in need does have a moral claim to my assistance...?

And yeah, sex, and the always complicated affairs of the heart are herein made equivalent to a horrible traffic disaster, and that's not weird?

So, according to this Morality, if your neighbor gets hit by a car you're cool and are solely obliged to mix drinks, but if you fuck and get pregnant, DEAL WITH THE LIFE RUINING CONSEQUENCES YOU SLUT.

Right.

Lou Rawls!

Total Hot Woman Babe Dep't.

Can't make the difference much clearer than this:We hope Sarah Hofmann is proud of herself. We might also ask Gawker & Raw Story what made this a national story; as soon as they can stop saying "dildo" & "sex toy" over & over w/o giggling we will.

— M. Bouffant (Chez moi, aussi.)

Well, If YOU Have a Gun, I Sure Feel Safer!

Oh, hello there. More deep thoughts to share with us, then?

I cannot wait.

Teach gun safety in classrooms and leave sex education to parents. Plan B won’t save young people from incurable STDs, but guns will protect women and children from being raped or murdered. The more young people know about guns, the safer our society will be.

So, uh, what?

If every child in America carried a gun to school every day, America would be safer? Because their gym teacher would teach them about gun safety? So they can, I don't know, shoot chlamydia in its stupid face with a gun?

What?

Is THAT your thesis...?

Well, OK then --

Rush Limbaugh said on his talk radio show on May 1: “We know kids are gonna get guns anyway, why not teach them how to use them?” The king of talk was right. Instead of pushing morning-after pills on 15-year-old girls, we should be showing young people how to responsibly use the preeminent tool they have to defend themselves in the event of a violent attack—a gun.

All 15 year old girls should carry guns with them at all times? Because then they won't get pregnant? In what world does this make sense?

Beg pardon. Carry on.

Americans use guns to hold off assault far more than they use guns to commit murder or violent crime. Indeed, Florida State University criminologist Gary Kleck has shown that Americans use guns to defensively prevent crime about 2 million times a year—often by merely brandishing a weapon in front of a would-be-assailant.

Hold on -- do you mean that 1992 study that "included gun uses against animals and did not distinguish civilian uses from military or police uses"? Because surely you realize as a thoughtful observer that you have to carefully analyze statistical research and account for bias, and that actually even this highly dubious study said "2.5 million" and not "2 million," so you've even botched your own point? Surely, you care about your facts -- excuse me?

What's that?

Right.

Well-rebutted.

Yes, I know I said "butt"...

Sure, point to you.

But how do we end gun violence, then?

More and more, psychiatric drugs are being miss-prescribed or abused and President Obama’s FDA is contributing to this mess. Medications are increasingly being prescribed to young people that could be setting them up for violent behavior. Instead of prescribing talk therapy, we are loading young people up on meds that are known to cause suicidal thoughts and/or incite aggression.

"Miss-prescribed"...?

Nevermind.

But... What medications are these? And... "talk therapy"? We need more Freud? What?

And if as you said before, violent crime is down overall, which you said is due to concealed carry laws, how could that be true when you then say that the youngsters, they're ever-more increasingly hepped up on goofballs?

Why, it's almost like you're totally whiffing on some obvious contradictions in what you're saying, or else you don't care, or else, perhaps, when the wind blows hard enough from the East your Western ear emits a mournful B-flat, reminiscent of what happens when a toddler learns how to make sounds breathing over an empty Coke bottle --

Gotcha.

Oh you're not done.

It’s time for young people to go through gun education before their teachers brainwash them about gun control.

Wait, weren't you going to tell us how if 15 year old girls had firearms training, they wouldn't need the morning after pill? Because that was kind of strange and I thought you'd maybe explain that --

OK.

Well congratulations, I guess, on finding the precise part of the world where you'll manage to keep yourself fed and employed. Since in the real world, you couldn't get a gig hiring yourself out as mulch...

Smutty Limericks and Socialism: Two Great Tastes That Taste Great Together

Breaking News: Erik Loomis continues to not be fired. This has been reported by one "Oliver Darcy," pictured.

But of course there are even greater threats than Loomis out there. For reals. Believe it. There is, for instance, Alessandro Porco of UNC-Wilmington, who has published poetry. Or even worse: poetry verse.

The University of North Carolina-Wilmington has hired an English literature professor whose pornographic poetry verse include fantasies of sexual relations with freshmen female students, an education watchdog reported this week.

In Prof. Alessandro Porco’s poem “Hot Girl-Girl Action University” the fictional university president Jill Kelly offers a welcome to the freshman class.

“Who would say No to a gang-bang?
Who would say No to Prof. Poon-Tang?
Who would say No to my scholarly toungin’?
Thank you fathers for your daughters.”

That poem is part The Jill Kelly Poems, ranked 3,963,932 on Amazon, which chronicles the life of a porn star through poetry.

In an interview on PopMatters.com, Porco describes it as “my book-length ode to the adult-film star affectionately referred to as ‘the anal queen.”

Another of Porco's sexually explicit pieces included in The Jill Kelly Poems is “Ars Poetica.”

“Breakfast in bed & down on all fours;
You’re eggs-over-easy, muchin’ for more.
Vegans protest & brand it obscene;
But there’s no starving my anal queen.”

In another collection, Augustine in Carthage, Porco included what he describes as the “21 of the filthiest limericks I could think to write.”

Jay Shalin, of the watchdog group the John William Pope Center for Higher Education Policy pointed out the controversial hiring in an opinion piece earlier this week and argued that parents should be wary of placing their young adults in the classroom with Porco.

Indizzle. Likewise,

J. Joyce rakes hell, and the sewers, for dirt to throw at the fair face of life, and for poison to make beauty shrivel and die.... and Dr. Yeats undertakes that no citizen of Dublin shall fail to know his name. In season or out of season he has proclaimed him a genius... But there have been geniuses who have wallowed in the mire before, though any quite equally foul-minded, who shall say?

1. I have never heard of Porco until these idiots trying to get him fired brought him up. Now I'll buy one of his books. If it's good, I have read good poems. If it sucks, I have pissed off a dink. I win.

2. I don't know if Porco is as good as Joyce or Yeats; probably not, but who knows? Saying "you can't go there" and actually making it stick has not as of yet worked as far as discovering genius goes. Quite the opposite.

3. The "taxpayer" argument is ridiculous. I pay my taxes and consider dropping bombs on foreigners for obscure and probably counterproductive purposes "obscene." You have your priorities, I have mine. Yay America!

4. Also, Yeats got Joyce a modest payment from the Civil List; in the long run, totting it all up, that worked out to a tidy long-term public profit that is still paying dividends and is likely to do so for centuries to come.

5. It is inane and offensive for anyone to say that Porco is unfit to teach because of what he writes. He freely and openly produces poetry. Lots of folks, in the public and private sectors, consume pornography. And what he does isn't even pornographic -- you'd have to go to court there to prove strictly prurient intent, and good luck with that. (St. Augustine? Even in this decadent age... people masturbate to poetry among all available options? Really? Really?)

6. My "impressionable offspring" will, when they are of the age to encounter Mr. Porco, be old enough to handle college. If they aren't, I won't send them there, and I will likely also deny them the use of forks without corks affixed to the tines.

7. That said, I personally deplore foulmouthed limericks.

Out of the Barracks

One supposes that certain critics sincerely believe they have a point of some sort as to improprieties regarding "reporters" and "law enforcement" and "double standards" and the Petraeus Affair.

One... supposes.

But such finger and tongue-wagging smuggeries are mere priggish prudery.

So -- General David Petraeus has been "caught" having an affair with someone not his wife.

So -- General David Petraeus has been revealed as possessing an illicit, "dangerous" sexuality.

So -- what?

The cant! The hypocrisy!

Let us all face the truth. Let us stride manly forth into the daylight and say YES! YES! THIS IS WHO I AM!

Let us be bold. Let us be honest. Let us... be true to ourselves.

Admit it:

Who among us, in America, does not want to fuck a General?

Yes, we have all heard the slander, we have endured the pervasive cruelty. We have often been accused of being, as they say, generalosexuals. Or worse! But let us own the epithet. Let us say, loud and proud: I am an American, and I am a General-fucker.

Republican or Democrat, we have all wanted to fuck General Petraeus; we have for years cast him coy glances, batted our eyes, simpered, primped, and preened, flirted shamelessly, desperate for his favor, his manly charms.

Don't deny it!

That dear, dear David has cast his favors upon an unworthy BITCH, excuse me, TROLLOP is the polite term I am informed, must not discourage us.

Someone else will come along just like him soon enough, and since we will be faithful and true and sincere general-fuckers, we'll stay steadfast and unchanging, and be rewarded by getting well and truly fucked in the end.

I mean, not quite as fucked as certain foreigners, sure, but whatever.

Just BELIEVE.

MAS. In an apparent effort to make this all even more inane, were that possible... "Tuesday, the house remained quiet aside from the media circus.  A woman could be seen inside the home's large bay windows, but it was not clear if it was Jill or her twin sister."

Don't you fuckers know there's a war on?

Grown Wingnut Pops Wood Over Republican Dudes, Attempts To Hide It By Writing On Internet

I watched the debate tonight. Joe waxed that little twerp's Trans Am, like five times. But I haven't even had a chance to see the media coverage, and I'm still catching up, and for some reason the first thing I saw was from some dork at the American Thinker, J.T. Hatter, giving us all the reasons his dick is SO FUCKING HARD about Paul Ryan, but simultaneously NO HOMO, NO HOMO, OHHHHH MYYYYYYY GOOOOOOD DON'T STOP, NO HOMO.

(No homo.)

You can go to the website and cast your vote for who's hot and who's not.  Paul's Hot!  Joe's Not.  Cast your vote here.  OK, I admit it.  I voted.  Guess whom for. 

Gurl, we are aware.

That brought my teenage daughter into my office.

"My ears are bleeding! What are you playing?"

"New music video on YouTube.  Do you think Paul Ryan is hot?"

She looks at the computer.  "Isn't he the Olympic swimming guy?"

"He's our vice presidential candidate."

"Really?  Well...not my type."  She looks closer.  "He is kinda cute.  Yeah, Dad.  He's really hawt!"

Finally, something they can agree on. It's so difficult relating to teens, I know.

JFK Hair

This amazes me.  But I'm glad about it.  Romney's got good hair.  He's handsome for sure. 

Whoa, I was not prepared for him to switch tabs like that. Okay, so his legs are tingling over the "Paul Ryan" one, but all of a sudden, he remembers that he has Daddy issues? Intrigued, we all are:

But I'm glad about it.  Romney's got good hair.  He's handsome for sure.  Now I'm being told that Ryan, who I always thought looked like a CPA, is hawt (which I'm given to understand is much better than hot).  I always admired him for his good sense, compassion for others, and brilliance in understanding our budget problems and formulating workable plans to solve them.  Ryan's selection as VP impressed me more than anything else Romney has done.

And their cawks.

But this whole "Ryan is hot" thing is news to me, and a little strange, too.  You think I'm making it up?  This is even harder to believe -- the entire liberal agitprop news media wholeheartedly agrees: Ryan is hawt.

J.T. Hatter's friends and family need to be aware that he will be using this spelling from now on. 

Hatter goes on to include a few quotes from actual liberal sites, a few from centrist websites, and a few from TMZ (because Hollywoods r librul and in a conspeersy against wingnuts like J.T.), to show us that he is not the only one with a relentless erection at this hour.

Then he explains:

The Hawt Vote

Females across the nation say, "Wow!"  And that translates into an awful lot of votes.  Between Obama revealing himself as an empty chair and Biden being...well, Biden, we have a pretty good chance of pulling this election off -- despite what the media spinners and pollsters say. 

Because girlz are only concerned about hawt, because his teenaged daughter said so, and he bought into it because now that he thinks of it, he's not into Biden, and he's not ready to look at something so exotic as Obama, but Paul Ryan is omg so hawt you guyz. Wank wank wank...

We just need to let the public see our soon-to-be President Romney...

Aw, adorable.

and Vice President Ryan as they are: competent, experienced adults.  Perhaps we could show the public a little more.

Ryan flexing his pecs on nationwide television?  Worth two whole points.  Maybe three.

That was really the last way I ever wanted to find out how many, ahem, inches, this J.T., ahem, grows, during these times. Wow.

We could take Pennsylvania.  Somebody get his shirt off for fifteen minutes in front of the right camera, and we've got this election sewn up.

J.T. will finish the race, at least.

This Thursday night, do you know where your wife or girlfriend is going to be? Sitting right in front of the TV watching the Ryan/Biden debate. You'll see. She'll be smiling, too. 

Now that the debate is over and we know that Joe cleaned that little twerp's clock, I can only imagine the sad scene in J.T.'s house, as he sadly "finished" the race in embarrassment. If his wife took pity, well, she deserves the sainthood which is surely coming her way.

 

A Penis Universally Acknowledged

Uh...

Wow.

I was going to make fun of this astoundingly wrong stuff about Jane Austen, but then I glanced at the accompanying graphic.

Wow.

That's a dangly penis right there on the sideboard. Into the white soup, as it were.

Gosh.