Whiskey Fire

Tne Greatest Actual Sports Name of All Time

Is Guilherme Crabogiale Fuck.

Mr. Fuck, of course, plays for Medicine Hat.

A few points.

1. "Guilherme Crabigiale" is by itself a high-quality sports name.

2. He plays for Medicine Hat.

3. He says he is proud of his name. So, from now on, if you say that you are "as proud as Fuck," you have not even said anything dirty.

Statistics for Real Life

It is a shame that the field of statistics offers us great insight into professional sports, when what we really need are statistics for real life.

For example, a statistic that would be immensely useful in any given workplace, and perhaps even in academia, would be a TPA score, with TPA meaning "Time Past Adjournment."

It would work sort of like WAR in baseball. The TPA would measure the average amount of time an individual makes a meeting last beyond when it really should end, that is to say, when anyone sane would know that the work the meeting is meant to accomplish has been accomplished.

Thus, an individual with a +5 TPA would mean "he or she will add about 5 minutes to any given meeting."

Anyone with a TPA of +10 should be summarily shot, or else traded to the Cubs.

Whom Are the Most Oppressed Peoples Ever in Alla the USA?

Who is more oppressed?

Ferguson? Ferguson?

According to Johnson and other eye witnesses, however, the cop ordered the friends to "get the fuck on the sidewalk," but the teenagers said they had almost reached their destination. That's when the officer slammed his door open so hard that it bounced off of Brown and closed again. The cop then reached out and grabbed Brown by the neck, then by the shirt.

"I'm gonna shoot you," the cop said.

The cop shot him once, but Brown pulled away, and the pair were still able to run away together. The officer fired again. Johnson ducked behind a car, but the cop's second shot caused Brown to stop about 35 feet away from the cruiser, still within touching distance of Johnson. Multiple witnesses say this is when Brown raised his hands in the air to show he was unarmed. Johnson remembered that Brown also said, "I don't have a gun, stop shooting!" The officer then shot him dead.

Or, Gainesville, GA?

The American Humanist Association (AHA) is about to learn a very important lesson -- folks around Gainesville, Georgia don’t take kindly to out-of-town atheists trying to bully their children.

More than 200 people turned out in defiance of the self-described atheist group early Thursday morning for an impromptu prayer rally in the middle of the Chestatee High School football field.

The previous day, the atheists (acting on behalf of a single, unnamed citizen) sent a letter to school officials demanding that the football coaching staff stop participating in team prayers and that they remove all biblical references and religious messages from team documents.

To best of anyone’s knowledge around Gainesville, no one associated with the football team has a problem with the voluntary prayers. The atheists says that’s beside the point citing the Establishment Clause.

Clearly, it is the fine fucking citizens of Gainesville, GA, who are most fucking oppressed by the fucking government. Fuck.

Breadwinner and Klutz

Many idiotic reasons have been put forward as to precisely why Freedom! would be compromised were a certain sports team to no longer utilize a racist nickname, but this emanation from ancient blog-chum Jeff Goldstein takes the, if I may say, recherché biscuit.

Goldstein excretes this Reaction in response to an article in the WaPo that puts forward the notion that it may be a bit gauche to bestow Cool Red Scalp 'Em Names upon military hardware, given how military hardware has been historically used to brutally subjugate Native Americans. Take it away, dickhead!

Not to keep beating this horse, but it’s always about language. And that’s because language controls thought and thought, when driven to consent, either affirmatively or through tacit surrender, secures power, from which all else derives.

Nobody pretending to outrage over this gives a tinker’s damn about Native American dignity. They care about controlling language and by doing so, controlling thought and collecting power. There’s nothing noble in their stance, and we needn’t pretend their is.

It may be always about language, though clearly, it is not always about the English language, precisely.

That (far, please) aside, how the hell does Goldstein know what motivates anyone who finds the military's, or the NFL's, use of Native American names at best crass, and at worst horrific? Maybe they sincerely think this!

For maybe we are compelled to take them at their word on this, at least according to the Iron Laws of Crackpot Linguistic Theory:

But the only real linguistic point here is that he and those like him can drum up phony outrage by presuming to speak to others’ intent, and by presuming to endure others’ outrage for them, whether they — or those whose outrage they claim to endure — are outraged in reality or not.

So declaims the dingbat who is presuming to speak for hypothetically non-aggreived minorities, as well as to the surely morally crystalline non-racist "linguistic intent" of rich white sports fuckos of the 1930s. And who is deigning to explain the REAL "llinguistic intent" of anyone who is white and thinks "Redskins" is just fucking embarrassing in 2014.

But whatever. There's a reason why the military doesn't call its machines the Mach I Niggerfag or the Wopkraut Mickchink. It's because they can't get away with it.

Native Americans are not, as a careful review of the relevant literature suggests, the overall historical beneficiaries of linguistic bullying. No, really.

 

Rape Culture and College Athletics: AGAIN

If it's another three months or so, you know you're going to read yet another story like this:

The University of Missouri did not investigate or tell law enforcement officials about an alleged rape, possibly by one or more members of its football team, despite administrators finding out about the alleged 2010 incident more than a year ago, an "Outside the Lines" investigation has found. The alleged victim, a member of the swim team, committed suicide in 2011.

FSU. Notre Dame (also resulting in suicide). Colorado. Penn State (you need an URL? Really?).

Here are some interesting, and nauseating, search-term results, from ESPN: Navy, UConn, Vanderbilt, FSU again (a receiver, not a quarterback, draw your own conclusions), Northern Iowa... and I gave up after that.

You know, I think there just might be a pattern here.

Dammit.

Among the many outrageous, dispiriting, and flat-out bizarre aspects of this continuing horrorshow is the behavior of the NCAA, an oversight body obsessed with the damndest pissant moralistic jihads and apparently convinced that its powers equal or exceed that of the actual government.

This isn't totally fair, and it's not scientific, but I'm irritated and I don't think this is an exercise altogether devoid of productive instruction: here are the results of a search for the term "rape" at the NCAA homepage. And the first entry there is pretty good, actually, and it's just swell to learn that as early as 2012 the NCAA considered it important to broach the topic of student-on-student sexual harassment at its national conference. And this stuff looks nice. But come on, hugely expensive investigations over crap like tattoos, with much moralistic preening, and meanwhile rape victims without a hope of justice are commiting suicide?

What a disaster.

Submarine Teams

I don't imagine this will in and of itself change anything, but a certain amount of class consciousness is always a tonic.

In a gesture that organizers hope turns into an athlete-driven national movement, players from Georgia Tech, Georgia and Northwestern took the field Saturday with gear they had marked up to protest the NCAA's treatment of athletes on issues ranging from concussions to compensation.

Good luck to them.

 

New Fronteirs in Stupid and Awful

Ah, Movement Conservatives. You never disappoint, but sometimes impress.

Nobody is especially startled at the ability of, say, some stray kook to deduce TYRANNY from Michelle Obama's suggestion that high school students might want to drink a bit more water. That's just the usual nitwittery.

But you can never quite anticipate the sheer drooling gobshitery of Jim Hoft, a true pioneer in spelunking new depths of deranged far-right sewage.

Christ. Easter Island obelisks facepalm to Jim Fucking Hoft.

You may have heard that right now, in Russia, young homosexuals are subject to what amounts to a pogrom. You may have indeed heard of this hideous incident, which, oh my god.

A video depicting a man being raped with a bottle has surfaced on social media, in what appears to be the latest assault on Russia's beleaguered homosexual community.

The series of short clips, making the rounds on the mobile phone application WhatsApp show the victim, who seems to be an ethnic Uzbek, being bullied into confessing that he is gay.

He is asked to identify himself and is stripped of his clothes, which are later burned. He is then handcuffed, beaten, insulted, and threatened with a gun. Ultimately, he is forced to sodomize himself by sitting on a bottle, which is then pushed with a bat.

The man, visibly terrified, weeps throughout much of the ordeal.

Viewers on WhatsApp overwhelmingly praised the violence as a well-deserved punishment.

And beyond that, as AmericaBlog points out, while the media found the torture-raper no problem, Russian law enforcement is just not interested in doing shit about it.

So, who's the True Villian here?

Who is the Bad Guy?

Hello?

Jim Hoft?

Who might that be?

Jim Hoft? Who is most responsible for psychotic anti-gay violence in Russia?

Duh.

Barack Obama.

MAS. As to how to end homohobia in Russia, I suggest ATTACKS WITH POWERFUL MISSILES. WE SHOULD SAY CUT OUT THAT SHIT OR HELLO NUKES.

It would be stupid. But would also work.

Olympic Games

Putin's Russia is a disgusting place, a sewer with the rats in charge. This is sickening.

Read the whole thing, and watch the whole thing.

It's the worst. I mean: that is humanity at its absolute worst.

This absolutely cannot stand -- Russia, allowed to fester like this? With its natural resources, immense sense of national resentment and entitlement, and fragile democratic tradition it hates anyway?

And these vicious videos?

There is absolutely NO WAY the United States ought to participate in any Olympic games held in Russia unless these proto-mass murder circumstances are immediately ended.

Whatever about the vodka thing.

Russia is clearly guilty of widespread human rights abuses.

A nation that tolerates or encourages persecution, torture, or murder, cannot plausibly host a sports competition that claims its intent is to encourage humane values.

I respect this point of view:

At the same time, Dewar isn’t certain withdrawing from the Games is the right way to go.

“There are many athletes saying the last thing they want to do is retreat from Sochi,” he said. “This is a time when you want to speak up. Maybe we’ll see that from athletes. … I could see athletes bringing out rainbow flags. And who knows? Maybe we should be flying that with our Canadian flag.”

Very good.

But anyone left behind in that Russia who is thusly inspired to seek for human freedom...

... will likely get shot.

The United States must boycott the Russian Olympic games.

Joy In Mudville

It is not just in the realm of political commentary that The American Spectator employs giggling nitwits, Whee.

The Yankees are hosting the Tampa Bay Rays and are presently six and a half games behind the Boston Red Sox in the AL East. I predict that Soriano will be the spark which leads the Yankees into the post-season.

The Yankees may indeed make the wildcard, stranger things have happened, but overall, hahahaha.

That aside, I note this post chiefly for a particular specimen of faux-analytical glib-shittery:

Soriano hasn’t been in a pennant race in five years and this deal also gives him the psychological boost of effectively replacing the man for whom he was traded nearly a decade ago.

Will this "psychological boost" propel him from home plate to first base in under an hour? That remains to be seen. Maybe the terms of his contract will allow him to use a Sedgway to round the basepaths. And on the back of it he can put a bumpersticker, like, you know, "ask me about my grandchildren."

Still and all, though, Nate Silver is re-entering a far less brainless and pointless world...

The NCAA Can Subpeona Bank Records...?

The NCAA University of Miami "investigation" somehow becomes even more absurd.

If you haven't been playing along at home, this is all to do with the possibility that unpaid student athletes might have gotten upwards of $250 from a convicted and obviously shifty con artist with every incentive to lie.