All this Swine Flu stuff reminds me that a few years ago I had this idea for a novel, a Political Thriller Ripped from Today's Headlines, if you will.
See, the Islam-O-Fascists realize that if they really want to bring America to its knees, they should strike at our nation's most precious resource -- our bacon supply.
What happens in the book, is, a shadowy cabal (the very worst sort of cabal) of Jihadis (pronounced in a sneering half-drunk Lawn Guyland accent, natch) conspires to introduce a bio-engineered chemical compound into the pork-puppets that are used to incubate our most delicious-est favorite breakfast foodstuff (one which is of course not just for breakfast anymore) -- BACON.
This compound makes some people sick, sure, but that is just a side effect. The truly diabolical thing is that no matter how you cook it, all bacon turns soggy and tofu-tasting instead of what bacon is meant to be: crisp, salty, and bacony.
The evildoers then do that thing that all bad guys in stupid thrillers are able to do, and seize control of every TV station -- broadcast and cable, every radio station, every cell phone, and (most wickedly) every Twitter account, and Make Their Awful Demands. America must become Wahabbist, or never enjoy CRISPY BACON again!
Defying them are Our Unlikely Heroes:
* a beautiful young raven-tressed woman who is feisty and beautiful and is a grad student in swine epidemiology, computer programing, and Irish literature, and who has a great chicken wings recipe;
* and a liberal blogger from upstate NY who is haunted by Unspecified Ghosts of the Past but whose passionate love of America, and bacon, and ability to coin neologisms involving the root word "fuck," enable him to point out to the nation that if you turn to radical Islam you can't really have bacon anyhow. Then he gets Obama to Impose Sanctions, and also discovers the True Power of Bacon. Anyhow shit happens, he wins, gets laid, and has some bacon.
Also there are ineffectual beaureaucrats who get their comeuppance. In minor roles are Jonah Goldberg, who plays a fire hydrant (badly), and Glenn Reynolds, who plays a glib asshole in possession of a moral compass he got out of a gumball machine. Neither ever tastes bacon again.
