Kurt Schlichter: even by Townhall standards, to endure him, you need a snotguard and a translation from the authentic 1930s German. Hark to the lilting, Horst Wassailing:
So, though no fault of your own, you are a young conservative male coming of age in a time when the deck is so heavily stacked against you that it’s like Michael Moore was leaning on it.
The "white" is silent. (Never mind the botched cards metaphor.)
Now, this is targeted to straight conservative males from 18-25 not because of the inherent cisnormative racism your TA told you about but because that’s who I was. Those who identify as “women” are welcome to take what they can from it. Those who are gay, well, my gaydar is so bad anyway that my exceedingly hot wife is constantly telling me, “Wait, you didn’t know XXXXX was gay? How did you not know XXXXX was gay?”
Kurt is eager to inform us that he is not gay and that while he finds gays disgusting, he remembers how Andrew Dice Clay told very comical jokes many decades ago and that was great fun.
For those of you who are quick on the uptake, the key takeaway from that last paragraph is that I have an “exceedingly hot wife.”
18 year olds sure do love to "keep it real" by having middle aged weirdos sidle up to them to brag about fucking.
You should do a tour if you are one of the 30% of Americans who can qualify for military service....
You will have earned something that is totally yours and can never be taken away – and you will live a life adventure that your contemporaries who are now second assistant to the guy who runs the Xerox machine can only dream of. Plus, chicks dig it. Trust me.
And you might not end up maimed from fighting in a war based on bullshit -- but no worries, the GOP will cut your benefits anyway. Wars are only fun for rich shits, because freedom. And there are no jobs waiting for you! You'll be lucky to be third Xerox attendant (and nobody 'Xeroxes' anymore, dated dad jokester!) -- and anyone who tells you "chicks dig it" is an ass. This country cares jack for veterans when it comes to cash on the barrel, as opposed to happy bullshit: go ask one from the current century.
The rest of Schlichter's "advice" boils down to how college and law school are now a total waste of time because there aren't any jobs anymore because of right wing economics, but that's OK because he came up in the 1980s and had the GI Bill and got to booze his way into a law degree and is now paid to write "humor" columns, all without ever having to be in a fucking actual shooting war or having to learn how not to come across as a total prick to any 21st -century real-life young person.
In conclusion, Schlichter tells young (the white is silent) men that the way to have a fulfilling heterosexual relationship is to always remember that what ultimately counts is a dick-swinging contest with other men in which women only matter like Monopoly money or some shit, as opposed to trying to find someone you like and who likes you back in the sense that you're two human beings who care for each other or somesuch LIBERAL BULLSHIT.
21st century wingnuttery has many pathologies, but perhaps the most astonishing -- and revealing -- is that these twits sincerely think that everyone loves them.