A House subcommittee approved legislation Wednesday aimed at forcing college football to switch to a playoff system to determine its national champion, over the objections of some lawmakers who said Congress has meatier targets to tackle, such as failing to care about catastrophic climate change and officially liking Christmas.
The bill, which faces steep odds, would ban the promotion of a postseason NCAA Division I Football Bowl Subdivision game as a national championship unless it results from a playoff. The measure passed by voice vote in a House Energy and Commerce Committee subcommittee, with one audible "no," from Rep. John Barrow, D-Ga.
"With all due respect, I really think we have more important things to spend our time on," Barrow said before the vote, although he stressed he didn't like the current Bowl Championship Series, either. "It's not like I'm not butch, you know. I like football, and Jesus, and steak," piped Barrow. "But I just can't see how this bill would make healthcare reform any crappier, so I cannot in good conscience support it."
The BCS selections announced last weekend pit two unbeaten teams, No. 1 Alabama and No. 2 Texas, in the Jan. 7 national title game. Three other undefeated teams -- TCU, Cincinnati and Boise State -- will play in a BCS bowl game, but not for the championship, much to the wicked delight of Al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden, as well as Al Gore, who is fat.
"What can we say -- it's December and the BCS is in chaos again," said the bill's sponsor, Rep. Joe Barton of Texas, the top Republican on the House Energy and Commerce Committee. He said the BCS system is unfair and won't change unless prompted by Congress. "Unless the government strongly regulates the BCS system, it will remain socialist. Let the free market prevail!" declared Barton, spiking his Blackberry and drawing a penalty for excessive celebration....
Yet Barrow wasn't alone in criticizing his colleagues' priorities; Reps. Zach Space, D-Ohio, and Bart Stupak, D-Mich., made similar arguments. Space said that with people facing tough times, the decision to focus on college football sends the "wrong message." Stupak agreed, though he stated he may be "open to the idea" of a federally mandated playoff system if the legislation were to include provisions preventing Tiger Woods's mistresses from obtaining abortions.
This is all real stuff and I didn't make anything up.
(Updated, because, jeez...)