by Ripley
It's so close, kids. So damned close. Can you feel it? Can you feel the... thingy-thing that's coming to change the world - no, CHANGE THE WORLD!!! - in just a short day and some? It's like America is on the verge of the best orgasm ever and we, we happy few, are on our knees with eyes closed and mouths open, ready to let that sweet, hot, red white and blue cum rain down on our faces like we're getting an Executive Producer credit in the next video. Plus a percentage. But no anal! Seriously!
They're going to show us, all right.
Anyhoo... So the McPatriots are girding their loins (their words, not mine) to brave the harsh conditions of mid-April and wave their tea bags around like they just don't care. Except that they do. Care, I mean. But they'll wave them around as if they just don't care. (Yo, shout out to my bling-diggity homeskillet, Michael Steele, at the R to the N to the motherfuckin' C!!!, ya'll.) Where was I? Oh, yes...
So, what with all the national and international media attention these... gatherings... are attracting, I was surprised that Fox "News" and the RNC hadn't come up with a snappy, memorable name. A slogan, if you will. Seriously, there's nothing out there but "Tea Party" and "Teabagging" and some other mentions of oral sex and hot beverages. (What the hell is an Extra Light Fappamacho?) Frankly, I'm a little 1) surprised, 2) annoyed, and 3) willing to help because they don't have a good slogan.
I am, if nothing else, a helping person. Ask anyone, they'll tell ya! More importantly, I'm an amateur Fad King. Ask me, I'll tell ya! So, I thought, "Rip, these dumb bastards need something better than 'We'll suck on your balls, you hippies and negros!'" and decided to see what I could do to remedy the situation. (Or "the sitch", as the MC Steele Dog fans call it.)
You crazy fuckers ready to rock the Casbah?
If you have other ideas, leave 'em in the comments. Whiskey Fire is nothing if not open-minded.
All fun aside, let me say this. You radical right-wing flag-humpers sat back on your pasty, fat asses while George W. Bush dragged this country into an unjustified war of aggression; licking your chops at the thought of killing some brown folks what talk funny. When hundreds of thousands of us gathered multiple times in cities across the nation to protest the invasion of Iraq, you called us "traitors" and told us to "love America or get out!". When millions across the world gathered to protest the Iraq invasion, you dragged your cowardly asses up on your high horses to let the world - The WORLD - know that they were all wrong - America's interests, fuck you! and now it's time to stroke our dicks while the bombs fall.
As Iraq lay in ruins and billions of dollars in contracting expenses disappeared without accountability, you told us to shut up and support Bush/Cheney/Halliburton. As American troops died or wasted away in sub-standard conditions in VA hospitals, you told us there was nothing - NOTHING - more important than supporting the troops. Yellow ribbon magnets optional, but still... you were watching us, right? And if you weren't, Bush/Cheney was - but if we have nothing to hide, it's OK. Right?
But now.... Now, you want to take your lazy, chickenhawk asses to the street and "stand up for what's right." Suddenly, the government needs to follow what You believe in. Yeah... A tax increase that you'll never see, because you don't earn over $250,000/year. Trying to stabilize the economy that masturbated itself blind during Your President's administration. Because Obama's "not your president"... right?
Fuck you.
You're god damned right I'm going to mock you and your mis-spelled signs and your fucking tea bags. It's the only reaction a rational person could have when he witnesses you. You are idiots and you deserve nothing but scorn and derision. Go ahead and cry. Just the way Glenn Beck taught you.
Rip -