Chuck Norris Asks The Questions You're Too Smart to Even Imagine

Chuck Norris, ladies & gentlemen:

Do you ever wonder how we can conquer the Middle East when we can't close our own borders?

Interesting. I admit that I have not actually wondered this. Nor do I plan to wonder this, especially, as it is a very strange thing to wonder. Can we conquer the Middle East? Sure -- we could nuke it tomorrow. Similarly, we could also nuke Mexico -- and Canada. Problem solved! Chuck is slipping, to have missed this obvious solution to what ails us.

Ha ha but I kid. Chuck actually puts his finger on a Serious Problem.

More than 7,000 lives have been lost in Mexico's drug war in just the last 14 months, in which nine out of 10 guns recovered from crime scenes came from the U.S.

Right. What we need to do, as Chuck points out, is to make it much, much more difficult to obtain guns in the United States. Illegal Immigrants -- many of whom belong to street gangs, as Chuck informs us -- are gaining weapons with the greatest of ease. Shudder.

Also, as per Chuck,

Exacerbating the border crisis is the fact that there continues to be a shortage of both Border Patrol and other government security officials. The Homeland Security Department is still trying to fill 2007's 138 vacancies in high-level jobs – an employment crisis that it calls "a critical homeland security issue that demands immediate attention." And that crisis will continue until we increase the pay and benefits for border agents. I believe this so strongly that I have done public service announcements encouraging their enlistment.

Right. What we desperately need right now is more government spending. This is so important, why, we may even need to raise taxes so as to give the federal government the power to take complete control of these areas.

Finally, and most sensibly,

And the question that keeps coming back to my mind is: How is it that we can militarily overthrow a tyrant like Saddam Hussein in Iraq, yet we can't keep illegals from crossing our borders? As Mike Huckabee says, "If the government can't track illegals, then let's outsource the job to UPS or Fed Ex." It's true. If they can track a lost package anywhere in the world within minutes, they can certainly track down and keep track of illegals.

Would somebody please go ask Chuck Norris how much a fart weighs, so as to keep him busy not writing columns?