by va
Dear Santa,
I've been piecing together evidence of a vast right-wing conspiracy against you! This has required painstaking reading of conservative venues for upwards of 15 minutes. The strategy is two-pronged: they're waging a PR battle, saying things like, we need to save Xmas from atheists! and, We'll start a Civil Fucking War if we can't have Jesus everywhere? And the other prong is basically to huff and puff and melt your place down with Global Warming. And then to drill the very fuck out of it! Take for example the President of the Chevron, David O'Reilly (no relation to Bill?) who just last June told Larry King,
Well, nobody's really finding oil at the North Pole
which you might feel to be a great relief, given that Larry King's question was "What about drilling at the North Pole? Cheaper to drill there?" until you see just with what word David O'Reilly concluded that nefarious sentence, which in point of fact is
YET.
Santa, you are FUCKED dude! It's pretty obvious that Chevron has infiltrated your workshop with elfin spies who are sneaking off to look for oil when they should be making those horrible Hess trucks. Basically you've been totally disappeared from the public consciousness with all this horseshit about Xmas being about Jesus and Mary and wise men and some camels and asses and other irrelevant personages (St. Joseph, e.g.), so no one will notice when you drown in the icy arctic waters. Thus your remains may turn into fossil fuel in the next million years; thus future Big Oil can drill you up and pump you into the gas tank of a CEO in the future United Megachurches of Amerikkka to power a piston-burst or two while he drives his SUV from the local gun shop to the bedroom of a suspiciously under-reproductive couple where said CEO will carry out his mission to ensure that no coitus is to be interrupted! Fuck! I'm not such a big fan of this Xmas mortivity scene!
***
This is all by way of saying that this year, my Xmas wish list has a certain urgency. I write to you tonight, looking out my window on the city's jagged silhouette of church spires and apartment buildings and smokestacks billowing smoke in the frigid wind, across the dark night sky, under which reside all the good citizens who love and breathe and grieve and dream, to make some final requests on our behalves before the True and Good Spirit of Xmas vanishes from this busy Earth forever. FOREVER! It's "below the fold." My wish list is.
Let Atrios get a million SUPERTRAINS; and let him consider perhaps the virtues of a fleet of SUPERFERRIES; let Roy get a movie that conservatives agree was just a good fucking story, adhering to all the Aristotelian categories; a-and, let Jonah Goldberg finally take that shit he's been needing to take for ten years. Let Maureen Dowd concede that Molly Ivors has been right the whole time; let Thers get all the booze he requires; let Kathryn Jean Lopez get all the many good men she wants for Xmas; and let Rick Warren slip on a banana peel and fall on his stupid fucking face during his invocation.
Let John Derbyshire wake up in Victorian England with a plentiful supply of stocking-caps; let Barack Obama get a lot of things fucking right; but let him make some kind of weekly gaffe to keep these guys busy (like maybe he absent-mindedly says, "Nixon wasn't quite as bad as some hippies made out").
Let Sarah Palin finally regret bombing all her interviews; let Bill Kristol take a million pies to the face for each word in the sentence "You gotta love Dick Cheney"; a-and, finally, Santa, I know last year, not really requiring anything else, I asked for "blowjobs," a request which you apparently understood as ironic, which is totally cool, and obviously I don't want to be repetitive, so this year, maybe instead you could have some of your elves add chili peppers to my ratemyprofs thingy? Boy or girl elves, I don't even care! Thanks, Santa. You're awesome. But know this: if you are somehow colluding with Big Oil, maybe selling off the North Pole acre by acre so you can move to more tropical digs, well, I will hunt you down and end you, motherfucker. Merry Xmas! Enjoy all the cookies!
Love,
va