by Molly Ivors
Once, children played in the leaves with dogs that never pooped, and moms baked fresh apple pies and let you eat the extra crust. Once, people danced zestfully to "Funkytown" and had random cocaine-fueled sex with strangers. Once, Facebook was a haven for Scrabble and finding boys you necked with once at a party, to see that they were as grizzled as you've become and no, they're not sixteen anymore either.
That was before the election of 2008.
I know there's a hardcore third or so of the American population that will never support Obama, even as he sweeps to an unprecedented victory next week. I'm not talking about Palin-supporting PUMA's, of whom there are really only about seventeen, I think. I'm talking about people who I didn't really know were political at all, and yet spew the most ridiculous, over-the-top crap. To wit:
**** knows that Obama will do major coke in the White House. 8:50pm
**** says ACORN registered his dog. Jokes on them. Dog's a Republican. 8:47pm
**** still wonders if his Obama voting pals will be able to afford the massive tax increases that they are so blind to. 8:45pm
**** later found out that Obama's friend the drug dealer is also an admitted child-buggerer. 8:42pm
**** knows that once Dear Leader Obama is in, all Jews are toast. 9:18pm
**** wonders if Oblama will hold the players ball at the WH. 9:07pm
**** wonders what the looney lefties will do when Obama fails to win? 9:05pm
**** wonders if Obama's brother George will live in the White House basement. 8:12pm
**** can have a discussion with real dems but not rabid Ayers-excusing liberals. 8:08pm
**** has a name for Obama supporters: Neo-Commies. 8:06pm
**** wants to know where you dirty libs buy your brown shirts for your Obama parties? 8:02pm
And no, before you ask, these are not made up, yes, they are all true, including the time codes. This represents last night and the night before, and I didn't even go back to the beginning of that evening . And no, I'm not friends with Jeff "Paste-Eater" Godlstein or Jonah Goldberg.
The person in question is a son of privilege, raised in extraordinary wealth by a father who traveled the globe. He single-handedly destroyed the economy of my native region and went on to do the same to one of the largest corporations in the world. I am not making any of this up, though of course it's more complicated than that. I knew him and his brothers briefly while they were in my small town to put tens of thousands of people out of work, and this son in particular had a brief punk-rock phase which I'm sure buoys his sense of identity as he turns into Archie Bunker.
Of course, the whole point of posting this incendiary shit is to piss people off, and no, I haven't responded directly. After all, what's the point? When you're bouncing back and forth, calling Obama Hitler and Stalin, and then pleading that no one will discuss tax policy with you, the shark is a distant speck at the bottom of the canyon you're jumping.
But it's anthropologically interesting, I'll give you that.
*Hell, I'm even breaking from GBV song titles! Reference, of course, here.