a thoroughly nonsensical campy mystery story
by va
Nancy Drew, an attractive girl of eighteen, was beginning to worry that her father had not returned from work on his investigation into the disappearance of dozens of his Electoral College Electors. He assured her that it would be a quick case - he was all but certain the Electors were out there in the Heartland.
"Where George Bush has often been seen!" cried Nancy's chum Bess when Nancy explained her concern. Nancy was glad Bess was finally beginning to understand.
"My father, John McCain--the most respected Maverick in River Heights--said he would hold some townhalls and those Electors were sure to appear! But election day is approaching, and he's not back yet. What's worse - I'm worried he's been kidnapped!"
Bess gasped. "But he's on TV all the time!"
"You see, Bess, I'm afraid that's not really my father, but a mysterious double! My father said he would find the Electors by appealing to them reasonably. But you've heard the crazy things he's been saying lately! Why just the other day he said 'health' is for radicals!"
"Jeepers, Nancy, I stopped paying attention to your father's speeches when he went 100% negative. But you must be right!"
Just then an envelope slid under the door. "It's from Ann Althouse!" Nancy exclaimed.
"From The Mystery of the Specious Law Degree?" Bess inquired. "NYU Law gets a mysterious donation from one Hanna Sue Lot and graduates more students than were enrolled!"
"Exactly. She wants to meet at Bloggingheads. She says I have to come alone, or the premise that any topic can be debated from two equal and opposite perspectives will crumble!"
"Oh no!"
Nancy wanted to believe the man with the exploding neck and lizard tongue she saw on TV was her father, and not an alien-invaded carcass like in the movie Men in Black, or something, but Althouse said nothing in the head-blogging session to comfort her. "In the last month or so, he's been losing ground, and resorting to this terrorist meme!" Althouse exclaimed, attempting to divert attention from her impossible hair.
Nancy pressed her own case, saying that you couldn't really hold those attacks against McCain because they didn't work very well. But even she knew she was full of shit.
Suddenly, Nancy realized it was Althouse herself who was solely responsible for replacing her father with the crazed twitchy lunatic America had come to loathe. She reached through the bloghead divider and made some jujitsu moves. Althouse landed a few slaps and dragged them both into a tank of mud, where they wrestled for a time. Nancy finally got the upper hand.
"Now, tell me where my father is!"
Althouse relented. "I had him locked in my vortex, but he's escaped! He'll be appearing in New York, giving a speech to some millionaires."
Nancy jumped in her blue roadster and headed for the Big Apple, often driving recklessly. She burst into the Waldorf Astoria just in time to see the aristocracy stand up and applaud her father. "Yes, it's really him, this is who he really is," she sighed. Other amateur detectives agreed. John McCain was still with us! And he would have won this election, too, if it wasn't for you meddling kids and your mangy dog!
THE END
p.s. It turned out the Electors were being held hostage by ACORN, but no one really cared.
Next week: The Invasion of the Plumbing People