Over at Townhall, Matt Barber, a professional wingnut martyr whose head closely resembles a cauliflower, warns us about the totally gay consequences of Barack Ogayma winning the election and turning the White House into the Gay House and filling it with gays and forcibly engayifying the entire country at gay gunpoint once he becomes the Gay President of the United Gay States of Gay. Hence Barber's classy headline:
Obama's Agenda is So "Gay"
And his even classier first paragraph:
If Bill Clinton was the first black president, Barack Obama, if elected, will be the first "gay" president. No, I don't mean he'll personally decorate the West Wing, open a bathhouse in the Rose Garden or take up with Barney Frank. I mean he'll be the most radically pro-homosexual, anti-family president in history. He's very quietly pledged as much to the homosexual "Human Rights Campaign" and other fawning members of his homofascist fan club.
"Homofascist" is a new one on me; it's very tasteful, too, considering how actual fascists tended to behave in regards to homosexuals. But then again if by all contemporary standards of Intellectual Conservatism the quintessence of "fascism" involves Swarthmore educated elementary school teachers, I suppose there's no reason it could not also mean the peacefully expressed desire of same-sex partners to have the same rights as heterosexual grownup Americans. What I'm saying is don't try to follow the logic here too closely or your own head will become as cauliflower-like as Barber's. Or as cream-filled as Jonah Goldberg's, whose book was I believe fact-checked by Twinkie the Kid (who is very probably closeted).
I'm also not sure how "pro-homosexual" means "anti-family," as I'm pro-homosexual (whatever that is when it's at home), and yet I have a family. As does, I observe, Barack Obama. Weird! Barber however helpfully explains that the answer to this conundrum is "San Francisco."
You may have heard the term "San Francisco values" bandied about from time to time. These values do not so much derive from a geographical locale as they do from a shared, deeply engrained "progressive" worldview – a worldview marbled throughout in murky tones of secular humanism and moral relativism. Central to San Francisco values is the notion that the only thing immoral is to reckon there are things immoral.
While Barack Obama may hail from Illinois, Hawaii, Kenya or wherever, his set of core principles – his values – discernibly stem from the underbelly of San Francisco's hyper-sexualized Castro District. The very San Francisco values that brought you the behaviorally driven homosexual AIDS epidemic, San Francisco's public Folsom Street orgy and the preposterous and oxymoronic notion of "gay marriage" are the same values embraced by both homosexual activists and Obama, the latest politico to make 'em light in their loafers.
"Marbled in murky tones" sounds like something Poe would have come up with after bingeing on an inferior class of laudanum, so Barber's lost me there. He's also lost me in foggy San Francisco, where it seems gays want to get married so they can have orgies. If I thought this were true I would feel compelled to warn my gay friends about the realities of marriage, which do not, in my experience anyhow, include orgies (so far, at least). However I suspect that Barber may not be entirely accurate in his account of why gays might want to marry.
He also appears to be wrong about how "Progressives" reject the idea of "immorality." Just off the top of my head I'd say that I find bigotry rather immoral. Perhaps that is however my inner fascist talking.
I also find his last paragraph immoral:
So yes, if elected, Barack Obama – the "change candidate" – will undoubtedly live up to his name. He will certainly institute sweeping change over the next four to eight years. But as you walk into that voting booth on Nov. 4, consider whether Obama's brand of change is change America can afford. Because isn't change – for the mere sake of change – really just chump change?
In all the world there is no spectacle more hideous and frightening and repulsive than that of a Townhall columnist trying to tell a joke. Stay away from my kids, freak.