by Molly Ivors
Did you ever get the feeling that the pundits really do read blogs?
What else could possibly be the reasoning behind Maureen Dowd's column describing her cleansing rituals for the new year? It has to be a witty performance piece in the mode of the far smarter Jon Swift, utilizing the techniques of juvenalian satire to parody the image of the shallow Sex-and-the-Cityish vixen she's so carefully cultivating. Clearly, this is a parallel to the episode in which Miranda dyes, then shaves, her pubic hair.
Or not. Because this is even dumber.
Riding the crest of 1997 Redbook fashion, MoDo decides to go public (note the "L") with her New Year's preparations. And no, it doesn't include any actual bathing or waxing: it's all about chakras and chi.
Faith, the faith healer, is twirling a crystal over my green couch.
The pendulum is hovering above a chart, pointing to sources of negative energy in my house that need to be cleared.
The pendulum quivers and swings and slows and finally settles above the word “Curses.”
“That sounds scary,” I say.
Faith — yes, that’s her real name — explains that there are two common forms of curses. If you send out something negative, you also hold on to it. It’s like a cosmic fax machine. “So,” she says, “it has a definite negative impact on the soul.”
“I hope that doesn’t include writing critical columns,” I mumble.
Speechless, really.
Faith puts stones under my back and tells me she can feel my heart opening like a flower blooming. I don’t really feel the blockages or the bloomings. But it’s a lot nicer lying on a table and listening to floaty, flute-y New Age music than it is sitting at a table and making a long list of insincere resolutions.
Resolutions, you see, are hard. And dull. And sometimes people don't keep them. New Age, on the other hand, is effortless. You just hire a consultant and you yourself don't have to do anything or rethink anything or change anything. Perfect for the Idiot Princess.
Don't get me wrong: I have great respect for people whose traditions include management of the numinous, providing they do no damage to others, but bullshit dilletantes who simultaneously invoke and sneer at other people's cultural traditions piss me off. Is it creepier to own Marilyn Monroe's purse, or to have someone tell you that owning Marilyn Monroe's purse can bring bad karma, or to dismiss this because you really like owning Marilyn Monroe's purse? Dizzying, truly.
Like I said, it has to be performance art.
Or possibly she's just cementing her niche in preparation for her new pagemate.
Below: MoDo shows Bill Kristol where the coffee machine is.
