Kurt Schlichter: even by Townhall standards, to endure him, you need a snotguard and a translation from the authentic 1930s German. Hark to the lilting, Horst Wassailing:
So, though no fault of your own, you are a young conservative male coming of age in a time when the deck is so heavily stacked against you that it’s like Michael Moore was leaning on it.
The "white" is silent. (Never mind the botched cards metaphor.)
Now, this is targeted to straight conservative males from 18-25 not because of the inherent cisnormative racism your TA told you about but because that’s who I was. Those who identify as “women” are welcome to take what they can from it. Those who are gay, well, my gaydar is so bad anyway that my exceedingly hot wife is constantly telling me, “Wait, you didn’t know XXXXX was gay? How did you not know XXXXX was gay?”
Kurt is eager to inform us that he is not gay and that while he finds gays disgusting, he remembers how Andrew Dice Clay told very comical jokes many decades ago and that was great fun.
For those of you who are quick on the uptake, the key takeaway from that last paragraph is that I have an “exceedingly hot wife.”
18 year olds sure do love to "keep it real" by having middle aged weirdos sidle up to them to brag about fucking.
You should do a tour if you are one of the 30% of Americans who can qualify for military service....
You will have earned something that is totally yours and can never be taken away – and you will live a life adventure that your contemporaries who are now second assistant to the guy who runs the Xerox machine can only dream of. Plus, chicks dig it. Trust me.
And you might not end up maimed from fighting in a war based on bullshit -- but no worries, the GOP will cut your benefits anyway. Wars are only fun for rich shits, because freedom. And there are no jobs waiting for you! You'll be lucky to be third Xerox attendant (and nobody 'Xeroxes' anymore, dated dad jokester!) -- and anyone who tells you "chicks dig it" is an ass. This country cares jack for veterans when it comes to cash on the barrel, as opposed to happy bullshit: go ask one from the current century.
The rest of Schlichter's "advice" boils down to how college and law school are now a total waste of time because there aren't any jobs anymore because of right wing economics, but that's OK because he came up in the 1980s and had the GI Bill and got to booze his way into a law degree and is now paid to write "humor" columns, all without ever having to be in a fucking actual shooting war or having to learn how not to come across as a total prick to any 21st -century real-life young person.
In conclusion, Schlichter tells young (the white is silent) men that the way to have a fulfilling heterosexual relationship is to always remember that what ultimately counts is a dick-swinging contest with other men in which women only matter like Monopoly money or some shit, as opposed to trying to find someone you like and who likes you back in the sense that you're two human beings who care for each other or somesuch LIBERAL BULLSHIT.
21st century wingnuttery has many pathologies, but perhaps the most astonishing -- and revealing -- is that these twits sincerely think that everyone loves them.
You -- yes, you -- can be morally superior to Dennis Prager merely by gazing at him and thinking he's kind of a dick. I mean.
As one who loves America -- not only because I am American, but even more so because I know (not believe, know) that the American experiment in forming a decent society has been the most successful in history -- I write the following words in sadness: With few exceptions, every aspect of American life is in decline.
Is one of those exceptions that we're not as horribly racist as we've been for most of our history, at least overtly?
Ha ha a joke. By "decline" Prager seems to mean that "America" is becoming ever less "decent." The American "experiment" is to do with dispositively establishing the claim that, in regards to other nations, Fuck You, we are the decentest.
By what metric?
The Decline of the Family: Nearly half (48 percent) of American children are born to a mother who is not married. Forty-three percent of American children live without a father in the home. About 50 percent of Americans over 18 are married, compared to 72 percent in 1960. Americans are having so few children that the fertility rate fell to a record low 62.9 births per 1,000 women in 2013. And in an increasing number of states, there are now more deaths than births.
For openers, all citations are omitted, because this is Townhall. I am willing to bet that these statistics are all trash, but I can't be arsed to look them up any more than Prager could be arsed to cite them.
But it's fun to note that Prager seems to be bitching that "America is having too few babies, and the only babies we have are popping out of sluts!"
The Decline of Education: Compared to nearly all of American history, the average American school teaches much less about important subjects such as American history, English grammar, literature, music and art. Instead, schools are teaching much more about "social justice," environmentalism and sex.
I have not yet encountered the liberal-minded individual who has advocated cutting funding for literature, music, and art in our public schools. But it's still YOUR fault, hippie fuckface.
As for "environmentalism," presumably Prager means that kids should not learn about how physics works so that Our Kids are not brainwashed by Science into believing bullshit about what happens when shitloads of carbon are pumped into the atmosphere.
Any of us who receive emails from large numbers of Americans can attest to the deteriorating education -- including among those who attended college -- in written English. In sophisticated commentary on websites as well as in email, one encounters the most basic errors: "it's" instead of "its;" "their" instead of "there;" "then" instead of "than," etc.
You write for Townhall, asshole, which has comments sections. And many, many dumb columnists. And is edited by nobody smarter than a bowling ball. Wanna play?
This is also of course not a sign of "deterioration" even remotely, of course, as regards grammar skills. There is an extensive literature -- oh, fuck it, what do I know, besides my fucking doctorate that Mao himself gave me.
Most universities have become secular seminaries for the dissemination of Leftism. Moreover, aside from indoctrination, students usually learn little. One can earn a BA in English at UCLA, for example, without having read a single Shakespeare play.
To the extent that American history is taught, beginning in high school and often earlier, American history is presented as the history of an immoral nation characterized by slavery, racism, colonialism, imperialism, economic exploitation, and militarism -- not of a country that, more than any other, has been the beacon of freedom to mankind, and the country that has spent more treasure and spilled more blood to liberate other peoples than any other nation.
I'm actually coming up blank on a single example of the US "liberating other peoples" that is not highly qualified by someone, you know, explaining what actually happened, and why.
Beyond that, please don't teach my kids propaganda? Shouldn't that be beneath us? Prager? Prager?
The End of Male and Female: Whatever one's position on same-sex marriage, one must acknowledge that at the core of the argument for this redefinition of marriage is that gender doesn't matter. Marriage is marriage, and gender means nothing, the argument goes. So, too, whether children are raised by mother and father or two mothers or two fathers doesn't matter. A father has nothing unique to offer a child that a mother can't provide and vice versa.
This is hilarious considering the previous grammar snobbery: Gender! Prager is too dumb to know what pointless fights he's already lost.
Anyway there is no evidence of any sort to back up Prager's nonsense, though there are a lot of lies.
Blah blah blah transgenders are bad... OK:
The End of Right and Wrong: At least two generations of American young people have been taught that moral categories are nothing more than personal (or societal) preferences. Recently, an incredulous professor of philosophy wrote an opinion piece in the New York Times titled "Why Our Children Don't Think There Are Moral Facts." In it he noted, "Without fail, every value claim is labeled an opinion" (italics in original). This extends to assessing the most glaring of evils. Since the Nazis thought killing Jews was right, there is no way to know for sure whether it was wrong; it's the Nazis' opinion against that of the Jews and anyone else who objects. I have heard this sentiment from American high school students -- including many Jewish ones -- for 30 years.
Human beings committed the Holocaust. Human beings sat in judgement of those who ran the camps.
There was, you know, no supernatural entity taking part in the Nuremberg trials. That was all run by humans.
"Moral categories" ARE "nothing more than personal (or societal) preferences." This is precisely why us nasty progressives are so passionate about moral issues. It's because history shows that anyone who conceives of morality as some sort of abstract system of absolute rules has turned out to be, in practice, a vicious asshole. Like, say, someone who says "gays shouldn't marry" and then whines when he's told to fuck off as a bigot.
The End of Religion: There are no moral truths because there is no longer a religious basis for morality. More than the Enlightenment, it was the Bible -- especially the Hebrew Bible (which was one reason America's Christians were different from most European Christians) that guided the Founders' and other Americans' values. Not anymore. Instead of being guided by a code higher than themselves, Americans are taught to rely on their feelings to determine how to behave. Instead of being given moral guidance, children are asked, "How do you feel about it?"
I don't get how "obey the imaginary person" makes one automatically more "moral" than "I've thought hard about this and I've decided to treat my fellows as I would like to be treated."
And why shouldn't children be asked "how do you feel about it"? This is a snorter.
The End of Beauty: Just as morality is subjective; so are beauty and excellence. There is no good or bad art or literature. You like Beethoven; I like rap. You like Shakespeare; I like Batman. "Street art" (aka graffiti) is worthy of museum exhibition; paint thrown by an "artist" from atop a ladder onto a canvas is considered high art and fetches over $100 million; and a giant sculpture of a dog with lifted leg urinating adorns the front of the Orange County Museum of Art in California.
Given how much fun Shakespeare had with dirty shit, this is hilarious.
Prager is complaining that he doesn't get to make the rules anymore.
More than that, he's writing a boring and lazy appeal to old white bigots so that they send him money.
I've never had much patience with the argument that you shouldn't ever call people with Sincere Religious Objections to gay marriage "bigots." "Bigot" is in fact the correct term for people who would deny other people equality before the law based on their personal prejudices.
The simple fact of the matter is that if you really believe in democracy, you believe in a democracy of morality. How do you achieve the end of slavery, the vote for women, gay marriage in New York? Well, you win. You fight to achieve the right to impose the dominant definition of what is right and what is wrong, in the culture and through the law.
The main reason I hate religious arguments against gay marriage, to be honest, is my personal disgust at the intricate cruelty of religious people towards certain of my friends and family -- and the reckless collateral damage homophobia has inflicted generally. It's a vicious madness going back generations.
If your "religious freedom" makes you a bigot, well, fuck you, and you will pay a price -- you will lose your power to say "I am religious, so I have the power to determine legitimate from illegitimate fuck-standards."
And if you thought Hobby Slobby was ever about "religious freedom," well, you probably weren't reading this blog for fun in the first place...
We all know this. Every person you shake hands with has (one trusts) wiped shit off their butt with that exact same hand. But nobody talks about this very fundamental existential true reality in any even vaguely sensible public forum.
Likewise, everyone has ideas about God, which one, the absence of same, etc.
If you want to talk about religion publicly you should be just as willing to talk about shit.
Which means, let's mostly never talk about it.
What I specifically want to happen is for people to talk about God as often as they talk about wiping up their own literal shit. I want the same linguistic taboo.
I covered New York politics for 15 years, and I saw some awfully tense moments between the police and Democratic politicians. But there has never been anything remotely like the war the cops are waging right now against Mayor Bill de Blasio for the thought crime of saying something that was completely unremarkable and so obviously true that in other contexts we don’t even bat an eye when someone says it. And for that, the mayor has blood on his hands, as Patrolmen’s Benevolent Association head Pat Lynch said Saturday evening after the hideous assassinations of two NYPD officers?....
Right around the time de Blasio spoke, Marist was in the field with a poll asking people whether they think police treat whites and blacks differently. Here are some answers. In each case, the “yes, differently” number comes first.
So two decades’ worth of statistics tell us that black men are killed by police at 21 times the rate white men are, and yet half the public has persuaded itself that police treat blacks and whites no differently. And it’s controversial for a mayor with a black 16-year-old son to say something so obvious—indeed, what every parent of a black son has to say.
Sure, that's fucked up, right there.
But it's even more fucked up right below the surface.
What black people are being denied here is not simply justice for certain victims of police violence in specific cases, but the right to publicly describe their own lived experience.
What was DeBlasio's great sin? He told his kid to be extremely careful around the police -- in other words, basically, to not give the police any reason whatsoever to overreact. If, say, he were stopped while walking down the middle of street at night or something, or if he were in the process of being arrested for an extremely trivial misdemeanor, he should immediately comply with all police orders, lest he be shot or strangled.
Are there any black Americans who wouldn't give similar advice to their sons? Sure! By the poll numbers above, a whole frickin' 14% of them wouldn't.
This is really the source of the white hysteria over these protests. Only black comedians and rappers are allowed to say to a mass audience that they distrust the police, and that consent is always deeply qualified -- laughed off, ignored, sometimes denounced, never taken seriously.
You can tell a lot about a society and culture by what kinds of speech it most desperately wants to suppress. In the case of 21st century America, the hypocritical and frankly lunatic attempts to tell an entire ethnic group that they are deluded traitors for talking about their experience of government law enforcement officials, as they see it, tells us that right here, right now, too many white folks want to watch the world fall back asleep into 19th century history.
MAS. This Politico thing is revolting, even for Politico. It's pretty damn close to "Martin Luther King Jr. should have had more political savvy if he really wanted his favorite candidates to win this season's 1965 Alabama by-elections." Fuck off.
No one was hurt and no stores were looted. Between 1,000 and 3,000 lawful gun owners showed up openly armed at the state capitol in Olympia, Wash., on Saturday to defy the newly passed gun control law, I-594.
Organizer Gavin Seim made the extraordinary nature of the rally very clear, "This isn’t just a protest. We are here to openly violate the law." Attendees publicly transferred their guns to each other in violation of I-591’s background check provisions, and some even bought and sold guns just a few feet away from law enforcement. A fire pit blazed throughout the rally, and at the conclusion, gun owners lined up to burn their concealed weapons permits. A petition was circulated affirming gun owners’ refusal to follow I-594, which ended with, “We pledge our blood. We will not comply.”
Good for them! Refusing to comply with the law, a contempt for democratic norms, the "blood" thing -- gosh.
Point is, you don't have to like this white dude to note that he had hammers wrapped in plastic in a closed backpack, and these Olympia white dudes were brandishing weapons and openly flouting the law.
Despite the fact that the participants in the putsch had shot dead four policemen and staged an armed (and in any reasonable terms) treasonable revolt against a legitimately constituted state government, the court sentenced Hitler to a mere five years in prison for high treason.
There are predictable consequences for nations determined to hate their own laws and governments, nations that make a majority fetish of the gun, nations whose minority citizens are deliberately kept simmering at a seething desire for vengeance.
Sell, sell to white folks that savory, deep-felt benign bigotry that always does so swell at the hustings in places like fucking Staten Island. Tell, tell the cops, hey, it's all cool.
Seems an easy enough prognostication: either we have a genuine democracy, or we have spilled blood. I advocate nothing here; it's just how it goes.
It all started in September, when Houston Mayor Annise Parker and City Attorney David Feldman issued an "overly broad" subpoena for the sermons of select ministers who opposed the city's equal rights ordinance. Because of intense national opposition from even Texas' attorney general, this past Wednesday, Parker and Feldman appeared to recant or at least reduce their flagrant overreach and disregard of the ministers' legal protections under the First Amendment.
By the weekend, however, the truth came out that they were only using political smoke and mirrors to try to simmer the patriotic fury; they were not changing course to constitutional compliance.
This is a great sentence.
It is very difficult to apply mirrors or smoke to the simmering process, in practice, I should imagine. Smoke may of course be employed in regards to barbecue, but I don't quite grasp how it might simmer anything, absent a Rube-Goldbergian apparatus. Likewise with mirrors. This is not even to broach the question of why the presumed malefactors in this scenario would even want to maintain furiously patriotic simmering. Maybe this is all to do with arcane Texas cuisine lingo to which I am not privy. Or else perhaps Chuck Norris is dumb. Who knows.
I'm a Texan, and it chaps my hide when some kibosh of the U.S. Constitution originates in the Lone Star State.
You're a Texan, and your mangled understanding of "kibosh" makes me extremely reluctant to inquire as to what you might mean by "chaps my hide."
What this all actually means is that authoritarian religious assholes want to (1) directly engage in electoral politics, and (2) not pay taxes.
It's not a mystery why your more savvy right-wing operatives would want to fling this bullshit. It's also obvious why Chuck Norris would also gleefully wallow in these poop-pools: