I haven't pulled a snap inspection of the Townhall inmates in a while. Poo everywhere! Let's get shipshape! This means you, person whose name I always forget seconds after reading it.
Not a neuron firing. What do you have for us?
Italian prodigy, Raphael, once painted two angels in the Sistine Chapel. One chubby cherub wears a mischievous expression as he rests his chin on his hand. The other looks wide-eyed and innocent. This angelic pair has celebrity status if you consider how often they have been reproduced.
Indefensible commas and an aesthetic derived from inspirational posters featuring kittens. Pray continue.
Political historians like myself surmise that these cherubs are also known as "Stupid Cupid" and "Smart Cupid."
Yes. That is exactly what "political historians" of your class would do. I have no doubts at all in this regard.
There follows prattle so debased it includes a "Michael Moore is fat" joke. It need not detain us.
Other Townhall entries are more sophisticated, in the sense that they're just as dumb. Like:
Someone recently remarked that Obama is a one man sleeper cell after hearing about his National Prayer Breakfast remarks and refusal to aid Jordan against ISIS. Sadly, his remark could not have been more accurate.
"Someone said" is a KAPOW! Subject + Verb start to a News Article. You know you are in Fine Hands. And the thesis is inarguable: "Obama, as a Muslim, knows full well that Islam means 'surrender' to Allah-- or death-- and is inherently violent." So if you were curious about why your hijab chafes, now you know.
In other exciting Townhall news, the Laws of Physics dictate that Charles Darwin was a dick and God's Indomitable Will gave us spirochetes, the US Senate, and who the fuck knows, malware.
With Valentine's Day upon us, female readers are again pummeling me with questions on how to woo the modern male.
This is a Townhall "joke."
Dear Tom: I appreciate that my boyfriend takes care of himself, in part because he wants to look good for me, but I wish he were a little bit more like my father's generation. When we went to a football tailgate recently, he refused to drink beer like the others - and whined the whole time that nobody brought a bottle of decent chardonnay. Also, his man bag - OK, it's a purse - is bigger than my purse and he doesn't even seem to be embarrassed about that. Am I being overly sensitive? - Overly Sensitive
Dear Overly Sensitive: If anyone is being overly sensitive, it is your boyfriend and millions of men from his generation. These sensitive New Age men are often so in touch with their own emotions and needs that they don't much notice anybody else's. If such a fellow drinks a beer, a rare thing, it will be an exotic brand from some remote part of the planet. He won't drink from a mug, either, but from a wine glass. At baby showers - yes, men are invited to those now - he'll get misty. If he ever becomes a father, he will clap the loudest the first time Junior uses the commode for "No. 2."
No, I don't get it either. But then the whole "heterosexual" thing seems to be going OK with me so far, even if I do get to drink wine on occasion, when I'm not beating the crap out of Dothraki or some such shittery.