Breathless. You are, aren't you? Waiting, drinking, pacing the floor, drinking again, your skin folding over to scratch its own itches as you wait for this moment... this, this orgasm of clarity and political chunderidity. The Iowa Fucking Caucus! Fuck, oh, fuck yes! Feel it consume your soul and your very genitals! Er... your very soul and your newspapers. (And your genitals - c'mon, you know what I mean.)
The nation - and perhaps the world - waits on all the CTR+X/C/V's to make something of this shitemunch we've got going on here today. (You know they've already written all their headlines and "shocked!"analyses and op-eds, right?)
Anyhoo - here's my take on how my little district votes. Sorry, caucuses. We don't vote here because Primaries are the devil's work or the queers or city slickers or something.
Santorum - dick fucking shit for caucus numbers. No one in my county has heard of him or gives a lame heifer's hoof about him. "Santorum? Isn't he the one who's always talking about abortion and the gays?" Guarantee, half of the people here think he's a Democrat. The Republicans around here who actually pay attention are too busy watching the corn/beef/pork belly futures to worry about a "social conservative". Rick brings nothing to the table for anyone in this area.
Rick Perry - Enh, might get a couple people in his corner of the gymnasium because people are pissed that Bush gave Obama the keys to the White House. You know, the people who affect a Southern accent because they're "gone Countryyyyyy" or still have a Viet Nam stick up their ass. If only McCain had been 90 years younger and Chuck Norris-ed his way out of that POW camp, if you know what I mean and I think you do.
Ron Paul - Former Democrats who didn't win a local Office and turned to the, ahem.. "Tea Party" will do handstands and handjobs to get you in their corner. Mostly disaffected wannabes who can't believe that no one - NO ONE! - is reading their street corner pamphlets about legalizing pot (NTTAWTT) and returning the barter system because... dude, have you ever really looked at a clock? Man, we could use so much lemon right now and immigration is wrong. Would you like to buy some banana art? I made it. It's real.
John Kerry - I'm just fucking with ya.
Jon Huntsman - Who? Mormon, I don't... what is that? One lonely kid in the gym with a handmade sign.
Michele Bachmann - This is an artistic community. We love our weirdos (deeply and strongly), but... no, you have to go away, crazy lady. If you want to run for a local office, you just might win. We love Minnesota, we don't like you. A few bug-fucked anti-abortion/quasi-"feminist" ladies screaming "what about HILLARY/PALIN (my husband made me stand here), assholes!"
Newt Gingrich - The one-eyed-king. I think Gringy will grab a very fair number of caucus-goers. He has years of media boot-licking behind him, he's fat and white, wife #3 is a local college alum with probably some fair connections, and he's fat and white. Look for Newt to pull somd good numbers.
Lois Griffin - Gotta break things up a little. So here's the basic Republican campaign rhetoric:
Wait - that was just a few short years ago. Of course, you'll notice there's not at lot of talk about National Security (that's a thing!) or Iraq or Afghanistan or Russia, lately. You know what? You don't like it, go on the internet and complain!
And finally, Clap Your Hands and Say Meh!
Mitt Romney - If they leave their wives at home, the farmers will stand in Mitt's corner. (Whoa, ladies - don't blame me, blame the farmers. Trust me.) These guys may be rubes, but they're not rubes. Take a gander at Federal subsidies for farmers in Iowa; take a look at what Iowa farm acreage sells for in the last decade, and you'll see that these flyover farmers are doing better than a lot of pharmicists, physicians and bankers out here.
All in all, I like Mitt's chances. Still, I'm going to go with Newt. He's the perfect blend of "he's smart like me!" and "he's from the government, but he's not the government!" and "he's fat and white... like you! but I can see your point, fellow white person."
I'll return with the results of my County. In the meantime, I hope you're all having a fantabulous 2012, and I wish you great fortune and much love. Here's to Life!