I can't even. Well I can. But I don't want to. But I must. Read on: though this will make you cry a sweater o' tears. And it will kill you.
Oh, no! Even beloved “SpongeBob SquarePants” isn’t safe from corporate downsizing.
The harsh economic climate has infiltrated the underwater community of Bikini Bottom when, after 14 loyal years of flipping krabby patties at the Krusty Krab, SpongeBob is unceremoniously bounced from his job in an upcoming episode of the iconic Nickelodeon ’toon.
The ebullient sea sponge very literally gets “canned,” “pink-slipped” and “axed” by the greedy Mr. Krabs when his boss discovers he can save a whole nickel by eliminating happy-go-lucky SpongeBob from the payroll.
Golly. Coming from the NY Post, this is a very sensitive reading of how a cartoon show depicts current economic realities.
You can put in many years at a crap job, and if your boss decides his nickel is worth more than your whole life, fuck you, sponge boy.
So that's very progressive! A realistic tale for our times!
A tearful SpongeBob offers to work for free, frying up Krabby Patties at the burger joint he loves — but Mr. Krabs concedes such labor would be illegal, and he would lose his license.
Wow! Thank goodness for Big Government -- in Bikini Bottom, slavery is against the law!
So what’s a hardworking sea sponge to do?
Try to get another job? Working class people want to work, right? So, you see --
WARNING. SKREE SKREE. HERE THE NY POST GOES WHERE YOU WERE THINKING THEY'D GO.
Lest he sit around idly, mooching off the social services of Bikini Bottom, a depressed SpongeBob sets out to return to gainful employment wherever he can find it.
No spoilers — but it’s safe to say that our hero doesn’t end up on food stamps, as his patty-making skills turn out to be in high demand.
Jesus fucking Christ.
Fucking Christ Jesus.
So, according to the NY Post, and their co-ideological shitheads, what America needs today are cartoons wherein children are taught the salutary lessons that you are lucky to have a horrible job, your boss is right to fire you to save a nickel, and you shouldn't ever for a moment think you have a right to not starve to death.
You can see, maybe, why these ghastly specimens prefer batty message hijacking of existing series to the hard work of producing original children's shows of their own.