Whiskey Fire

Chuck Norris's Mom Kinda Sounds Like a Frickin' Dumbass

Not much from our new favorite TownHaller this week, though this is piquant:

The only reason Obama is strolling through the Rose Garden, golfing with Tiger Woods and cracking jokes about Jay-Z is because the media is not holding him accountable.

If only the gosh-darned Em-ess-Em would do its job, Obama would be out there putting with Rory McIlroy* and name-dropping Madison Rising.

Hehdizzle indeed. Or hehdizzle. Or "shoot me."

When Veruca Salt's dad needs to hire a ghostwriter for his kid's private diary, here's his gal.

Nevertheless.

Let us instead cast asparagus upon Chuck Norris's most recent emanation, wherein he gives up trying to hawk the ghastly books he pretended to write, and instead attempts to persuade his demented, mush-gummed fanbase to waste their government checks on an anti-government book he forced his mother to pretend to write.

So, hello, Chuck Norris, pictured below.

You're looking fine!

What now with the your mother having Advice for America now?

"Back in the 1930s, any work was good work. We picked cotton, picked up cans, scrap metal, whatever it took to get by. The message from yesteryear is: Don't be too proud to do whatever it takes to meet the financial needs of your family.

"There's no shame in a hard day's work, whatever it may be. It seems today that people would go on unemployment before they would work in a field picking anything. That would not have been the case when I was growing up."

Clearly, your boy is following your Noble Example. In the 2000s, any work was good work. He picked up sentences, paragraphs, sometimes whole columns, whatever it took to make like he was "writing original material". The message from thisteryear is: don't be too proud to cash any damn check you can as long as it's scribbled by suckers.

Also too, clearly, our current Role Models are undocumented Mexican immigrants, who will work any damn job for any money, and who rarely apply for unemployment. Just like George Washington!

"We didn't have much. In fact, we had nothing at all, compared with people today, but we had one another. We were poor, but rich in love. We've lost the value of family and friends today, and we've got to gain it back if we're ever to get back on track. If we lose all our stuff and still have one another and our health, what have we lost? We don't really own anything anyway. Everything is ultimately on loan to us. The Bible says, 'The earth is the Lord and all it contains.'

Damn straight. Poor people nowadays are too materialistic.

Also dig the bit about how maybe, just maybe, Roosevelt had a better record than did Jesus in helping folks out during the Great Depression. And that communal action along the principles of An Injury to One Is an Injury to All ("We thought and worked in community. The way we saw it was: If one of us was chained, none of us was free") is All-American and Godly.

But this is the Fun Part:

"There was nothing easy during the Great Depression, but we endured and made it through, and we learned even more how to simplify, help one another and depend upon God. Children took on chores at an early age and by early teens were assisting in some ways with the provisions of the home. Yesteryears' kids often bore today's adult responsibilities. Back then, we grew up fast and often married young. In fact, by the time I was sixteen years old, five of the seven Scarberry children in our family were married, including me."

Child labor, child marriage, don't ever imagine a democratically elected government could ever represent your immediate interests or redress your material grievances...?

What a glorious time in American history! Everyone was poor and desperate and we had Jim Crow!

Happy sigh!

Fucking hell.

I'm sure in person Chuck Norris's mom is quite lovely, but this is the public arena, and hence, one must ask, is anyone actually paying for this horseshit?

Forget it, NewsMax and TownHall exist, so yeah, obviously.

Shit.

MAS. Whoops, forgot to follow up on the asterisk (*) up there next to the name "Rory McIlroy."

Just meant to point out that the douchiest web-site ever is the Official Rory McIlroy Homepage.

It's douchetastic. Did you know... he's an athlete?

"But then God, of course, is not cool, and never has been"

Noted hateful twerp Alan Sears has collected words and sentences and has presented these items to the internet.

For those who don't know, Sears is one of those people who realized decades ago that yelling shit about "the homosexual agenda" beat getting a real job all to hell, and who now smells the end of the end of the long con like a dachshund senses the final splat of a long-produced footlong turd.

But never forget that Sears is Cuturally Important -- after all, he has a Wikipedia entry, wherein it is duly noted with all appropriate fanfare that he is a Townhall Columnist. And as such, he says some gloriously weird shit.

A friend of mine, a teacher, has been telling me about her efforts to ready her third, fourth, and fifth grade students for a pint-size production of The Music Man. Things aren’t going well.

As enthusiastic as the children were to put on the musical—as excited as they were about trying out for featured parts, putting on costumes, and practicing the dances—the bloom is off the rose, now that it all comes down to actually memorizing lines, hitting marks, and, especially, emoting. Several of the parts call for outsized performances, and some players are feeling self-conscious.

Nothing so darkly portends the collapse of Traditional Heterosexual America as the unwillingness of Our Youth to fully commit to Musical Theater.

You remember.

I remember? I remember what?

What if I go big – step out – say the line – and: nothing? What if I’m standing there, flushing scarlet, as people look at each other and whisper, “Did he really say that? What a fool! Wayyy over the top.” Better to just say the line as quietly, non-commitally as possible, and let the show roll on. Being “okay,” even being “bad,” is better than being embarrassed.

So yes, American schoolchildren must be taught to give big, brassy performances whenever they are cast in musical theater productions. They must learn to be fabulous!

I am on board!

Excellent dramatic advice!

Wait, what?

That’s what my teacher friend’s plight makes me think of, as I watch the manufactured groundswell of public support for redefining marriage...

What?

But one thing everybody knows, whatever their political or religious persuasion: they want to blend in. They don’t want the “audience” – their family, their friends, their co-workers, even strangers – to look at each other and whisper, “Did he really say that? What a fool! Wayyy over the top.” No matter how old we get, no matter how secure or successful we become, for many of us, nothing ever takes the place of being “cool.”

Is same-sex marriage “cool?” That’s what the “cool kids” tell us.

So... if you don't like gays having equal rights, you should be Very Brave -- exactly like those bold 6th graders willing to Give Their All in an amateur musical?

The entire column is strewn with Wonderful Jewels; "But then God, of course, is not cool, and never has been."

But the joke is that the only people who sincerely confuse melodrama with real-world morality are people like Sears. Christ, never put him in charge of Hats Off to Hanukkah, he'd reduce more than one cast member to tears.

This One Is on the House, This One Is Better Than Ever

A debate about civil rights, the law, & terrorism is occuring. Everyone wants to hear from John Yoo!

It's all quite disgusting, but here is the weevil in the biscuit:

I agree that treating an American citizen as an enemy combatant is an extraordinary step. But it is an option. What is disturbing is that President Obama and Attorney General Holder are so in the grips of their ideological belief that terrorism is a law-enforcement, rather than military, problem that they made this decision with insufficient information.

If only they'd waterboarded him as a prudent first step, who knows what they would have discovered.

Nuts.

MAS. Surely these two had Professional Backing and Advanced Terrorist Training.

Ordinary criminal law cannot possibly cope with such sophisticated Armed Jihadist International Plotting.

Clown Princess of the Menthol Trailer

Where are the monstrous terrariums where they grow these specimens? And would it kill them to add more oxygen to the cerebral-nutrition mix?

I refer to this failed experiment, whom we have examined previously, much to our horror: for while we remain, my friends, now and forever, scientists, we are not monsters, and it is clear that something at Townhall Labs has gone abominably awry. Tor Johnson is ashamed of his involvement in this somehow.

GAZE UPON NIGHTMARE!

The Bates Motel has less vacancy.

Why, she could be, and I hope this is not too harsh -- an elected official in Oklahoma. (I know that's edgy and cruel, even for this blog. Pray forgive me.)

But still...

President Obama and Sandra Fluke both call themselves lawyers and “reproductive rights activists” without giving you any indication that they understand the Constitution or basic biology.

Well, Obama and Fluke both have law degrees, or at least Fluke was studying for one, I guess she'll get it. You have that and you pass the bar, and you get to "call yourself a lawyer." And has Obama called himself a "reproductive rights activist"? When?

Also, Sandra Fluke-baiting? Aren't we a year late for that?

I’m not a lawyer, but I understand the Constitution.

Uh... I'm not a lawyer either, but I'm putting money down now that you don't understand the constitution...

I’m not a reproductive rights activist, but Iaced Biology 101.

You did? Was the dead frog's corset untied?

What?

So I can tell you that Sandra and Barack are wrong when they classify women in combat and contraception as “women’s issues.”

Ohkay... letting the bad grammar "women in contraception" hanging curveball go by out of charity...

Military combat and contraception coverage are not women’s issues. They are freedom issues and freedom is just as important to men as it is to women.

Liberals love dismissing “freedom issues” as “women’s issues” because then it’s like WNBA games—guys check out.

Women don’t go to war by themselves; women fight alongside men. So the question of whether the government can draft men or women is a “freedom issue,” not a “chromosomal issue.”

Right... go on....

Here it gets fun:

When a guy turns 18, he must sign up with the Selective Service. The only purpose of the Selective Service is to prepare for a potential draft.

Currently, women are not required to sign up for the Selective Service, but Congress will likely change that now that the Pentagon lifted its ban on women in combat.

Drafts and the Selective Service violate your First Amendment rights of free speech and freedom of association. They also violate the Thirteenth Amendment, by making young people serfs of the government.

Holy shit. Someone alert the Federal Courts that the draft is unconstitutional.

Uh, it isn't? Unless there is some compelling legal precedent I'm not aware of?

Yes?

Philosopher Ayn Rand writes in the June 1966 edition of The Objectivist newsletter: “Statism needs war; a free country does not. Statism survives by looting; a free country survives by production. … Just as an individual has the right of self-defense, so has a free country if attacked. But this does not give its government [has] the right to draft men into military service—which is the most blatantly statist violation of a man’s right to his own life. …a volunteer army is the most efficient army, as many military authorities have testified. A free country has never lacked volunteers when attacked by a foreign aggressor.”

Well, take that, American jurisprudence.

Anyone who volunteers for a combat role and meets the qualifications should be able to fight.

And this contradicts Obama and Fluke how, precisely?

Right. Forget I asked.

Moving on...

Point number two is that forcing employers to cover contraception is also a freedom issue, not a women’s issue. Women don’t impregnate themselves. Plus, Obamacare’s contraception mandate violates both male and female free speech.

I have got to hear this.

Ironically, Obamacare is sexist because it teaches guys to be playboys. Now, if a guy pressures a girl to have sex and she gets pregnant, he’s off the hook because he can say: “Not my problem, you should have been using Obama’s free birth control.”

Wait, what...? That makes sense how...?

Oh, right. Forgot who I was dealing with.

I think liberals like Fluke are hurting women by pushing a one-sided message of sex that gives young women a false sense of security about jumping into bed with guys who have incurable diseases.

Like lepers, especially.

Hold on, weren't you supposed to explain how the contraception mandate interferes with men and womens' "free speech"?

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Kristol Shrew Persuasion

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Posted by ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© and cross-posted at my place. Mouse over pics for captions, and click them for larger versions.
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When You Add Up the Numbers

"Professional Blogger" John Hawkins is, most charitably put, something that exists on the Internet. His stuff may not be original, but to be fair, it is also tedious. Also he looks like a malignant potato.

So, uh, here is something emanated by John Hawkins, which I present to you because I love you all so very sincerely.

Many liberals have come to believe the rules of morality, decency, and good behavior don't apply to them. You see, since they're liberal they think that no matter how racist, sexist, violent, dehumanizing, evil or disgusting their behavior may be, they're still good people just by virtue of the fact that they're liberals.

Gosh.

Just as a member of the KKK would fear being cast out of the group for speaking out against doing evil to black Americans or a Crip would have similar fears about defending a Blood, liberals are not allowed to call for human decency in dealing with those who stand in their way.

Every word here is a Golden Sermon. If you are opposed to, say, voter ID laws, you are in all essentials A Grand High Dragon Poobah of the KKK, and also you likely are a fully paid-up member of the Crips, at least according to their elaborate bylaws.

Obscurity and Misery

I've been busy this week with the Real World, which lately has included two feverish and vomiting flu-ridden children aged 6 and 8. But here are a couple of hanging curveballs from The Corner. Punchlines not even necessary!

Jonah Goldberg laments the cruel double standard of the Main Stream Media, which consistently depicts The Right as dominated by "conspiracy-theory" obsessed loonballs, but neglects the exact same phenomenon as it exists on The Left:

It is hardly as if Democrats don’t have embarrassing characters in their midst. Indeed, as Weigel casually notes, Obama had a very severe nutjob problem in that he had ties to some very sketchy people, including a domestic terrorist named Bill Ayers.

Bill Ayers! The same guy who wrote Obama's memoirs!

Munch cud, emit methane, post to Corner.

And then there is this bit of Fun from Immigration Expert Mark Krikorian. He advocates that the GOP set up "community centers" which will offer social services but will also have propaganda elements, along the lines of the local outreach efforts pioneered by Sinn Féin and Hamas. As Krikorian observes,

It’s a long-term proposition, designed to facilitate (and shape) their Americanization, and not one that’s purely political. Sure, they’re still going to vote mostly Democrat for a long time, but it’s a way to speed them along the path to being part of a common American identity — which contributes to the common good regardless of politics, but also can lead in time to more balanced voting behavior more in line with the rest of the population.

I bolded the last part because it's fun!

By "the rest of the population" Krikorian means "old white men."

This is kind of a Very Special Moment here for Mr Krikorian. What an epiphany.

By all means, GOP -- listen to this fellow!

 

Maybe the Thing with the Shoe Was a Bit Much

I didn't watch the inagural, but I'm pretty sure I have the gist of it down from reading some of the smarter, more sober commentary on it, such as this from the Wall Street Journal: Obama's "main theme was that the people are fundamentally defined through government action, and his government is here to help you." Or, coming from a thoroughly different intellectual angle, is Fred Barnes:

President Obama wants more government. In his second inaugural address, he masked the message with phrases like "collective action" and doing "things together." But these were stand-ins—euphemisms, really—for a bigger and more ambitious federal government.

Various careful observers from across the ideological spectrum have come to similar conclusions. For instance, "When he says that we're all in this together, what he really means is a benovolent government will set the agenda and the rest of you rubes will fall in and obey. No more of this nonsense about individual liberty or individual achievement."

Other thoughtful reactions include this writer's unexpected perception that the speech was an "ode to big government and collectivism," or this calm conclusion that Obama "threw the Founding Fathers to the ground, butt-reamed them, especially Thomas Jefferson, to gratify his monstrous collectivist urges, to push his extremist collectivist agenda." Gracious. (By 'butt-reamed" he means "buttfucked," but is too civil to say so.)

Now, to be fair, it's hard to dispute these conclusions, when you look at the text of the speech these expert analysts apparently heard, which has been on more or less continual repeat for over a half century, give or take.

Right.

I'm always impressed by how dull reality is when compared to the Exciting World-Historical Drama that is the Wingnut Phantasmagoria. Christ, go get a fucking job.

Merry Christmas, Genius

Tired. Let's go for the slow one you don't even have to lead. (Metaphor!) Headline:

We Aren't Quite as Stupid as They Think

Bets?

Most politicians and many in the media truly believe we are stupid. We are the masses. We are those meant to receive a pat on the head, an empty promise and a warm feeling --- that leaves us empty. Trust me, I was in this business, and while those in it now think I am not on to them, I am. I know when I get the run-around or that pat on the head.

Yes, dear. Cocoa?

Let's start with the story of Secretary of State Hillary Clinton's stomach virus that led to massive dehydration that led to a fall at home and a failure to go to the hospital with a serious concussion. Now I have made it clear in the past that I consider former President Clinton a roaring conservative as compared to President Obama, and I am not accusing Secretary Clinton of lying. But the fact that hearings were to be held on the entire Benghazi debacle, the State Department was already set to be given blame by a White house appointed panel, and suddenly Hillary Clinton simply could not testify -- give me a break.

Vince Foster rose from the grave and hit her in the head with a lesbian, clearly.

Do they think we are stupid? Yes, they do.

Yes we do!

On the subject of tragic shooting at a Connecticut elementary school, I'm not a big on guns personally, and when I hear of these types of senseless murders, particularly of innocent young children, I am prone to ask questions about the sale of certain weapons and ammunition.

But as soon as I start seeing the Drudge Report carrying immediate talk of efforts toward gun control and later see a television news bulletin with President Obama naming Joe Biden to head up a special something or another to deal with gun control, then I realize that once again emotions of the moment are being manipulated by politicians.

When you want to know down to the last second who is doing unseemly politicizing, turn to the Drudge Report.

Do they think we are stupid? Yes, they do.

Fuck yes.

And then The Fiscal Cliff.

Hah, what a laugh. Make no mistake, a last-minute bill will be agreed to before the end of the year. Special treatment will be extended to the defense industry to avoid the dreadful cuts that would have occurred under the automatic sequestration that otherwise would have kicked in on Jan. 1. Unemployment benefits will be extended, and taxes for those earning over, say, $400,000 -- or perhaps a bit more or less -- will go up. Sounds OK, right? Again they think we are stupid.

Hee hee. You lot have just proved that you're stupid.

Whatta laugh.

Oh, and by the way, the world was set to end on Dec. 21, as well. Oh, that got plenty of media attention. And you know why? That's right, they think we are stupid. And if I've written another version of this in years past, blame it on stupidity!

Christ I hope the Mayan Calendar applies to wingnut idiots.

Simple Answers To Stupid Questions From Bigots

Back in my days with Truth Wins Out, we liked to kick around this one anti-gay bigot called "Porno Pete" (not his baptismal name), until, as Thers would put it, it sort of became "unsportsmanlike" to mess with him. He, who made a name for himself by photographing fetish sex festivals and posting said pictures on his Jesus blog, who had his last hurrah when he was named as a "hate website" by the SPLC, and has continued to fade into further obscurity...why mess with him? The SPLC could remove him from their list in the same vein that shopping malls don't tend to list those kiosks that sell cell phone koozies in their directories, but I digress.

Anyway, Porno Pete has a one-man hate group called Americans for Truth, and I am willing to answer one very simple, stupid question he is axing regarding Rick Warren, the mega-church pastor who recently expressed regret for lending his support to California's Prop 8. Here is what is troubling the Porno Pete guy (lots of words ahead because apparently this "Christian News Network" doesn't know how to edit long bullshit quotes):

“[Warren] regrets that the statement got out wider than his church. To me, that’s incredible because he should be happy that he had influence outside of his church to the whole body of Christ in California — indeed, to people all over the state voting on the issue who look to him for guidance,” he said. “And so, that troubles me that he even says now that he wouldn’t make that video. … That’s saying that he does not want to be a leader on the homosexual ‘marriage’ issue.”

LaBarbera stated that he believes many pastors are becoming inward and exclusive about their beliefs, when they should be using their influence outside of the four walls of the church.

“[Warren] used the world ‘pontificate.’ You’re not pontificating. You’re putting your voice out there as a spiritual and moral leader, and that’s what pastors need to do,” he said. “They need to get outside of this mindset that I’m only allowed to talk to my church.”

“The question is, are Christian leaders self-segregating on the moral issues because they’re under the gun of the pro-gay culture?” LaBarbera asked.

He stated that the fear of man should never be an excuse to run from the Christian responsibility of publicly standing for truth.

“The homosexual activist never agonizes and says, ‘Wow, I don’t think I should talk beyond my group of homosexual activists,’” LaBarbera explained. “They’re pontificating all the time. They’re telling us what to think. They’re telling us that we’re bigots if we are against homosexuality, or even if we’re against same-sex ‘marriage’ now, they call you a bigot or a hatemonger or a homophobe.”

“I get the fact that [Warren] is under the gun by the homosexual lobby. We all get it,” he continued. “The homosexual lobby is aggressive and loud and vocal, and they want him to shut up about homosexuality being a sin, and they want him to conform to their ideology, but he can’t.”

Ho-kay.

I will offer two answers to this stupid question, one cynical and one more forgiving to Rick Warren, as I do not know Rick Warren and do not have firsthand information on how much of an asshole he is. Cynical answer goes first:

1. Rick Warren is a mega-church pastor with a national voice who grasps the concept that the fatness of his bank account runs directly concomitant to how much his message resonates with The American People, and Rick Warren, seeing the writing on the wall and knowing that The American People increasingly do not give a shit about the insipidly racist, homophobic and hateful ramblings of a dying-off breed of bigot, has decided to try to slowly step away from that message, for the sake of his Evangelical empire.

OR

2. Same thing, but being nicer to Warren for whatever reason. Hi, former Christian here, one who knows The Book better than pretty much any Religious Right leader he's ever come across. There is this series of things in the Gospels, like "I will make you fishers of men" and "go, make disciples of all nations" and "For God so loved the world that ... whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life," and "DID I FUCKING STUTTER?", and if Rick Warren actually takes that shit seriously, he might, just maybe, be noticing that the only response normal educated human beings have to Religious Right homophobia and their other general bitterness, these days, is to recoil in horror and add their voices to the growing chorus of people who will never set foot in a church again. Maybe he actually wants to make disciples of "all nations" (yes I'm still being gracious toward him for a few more seconds), rather than preaching to the same choir of fearful dumbfuck bigots every Sunday. Maybe.

He's probably just an opportunistic dick, but ya know.

Anyway, simple answers to stupid questions from bigots, this has been.