Whiskey Fire

Towing the Bigot Missile

Chuck Norris has reached the end of another of his multi-installment opuses, so let's go examine the wreckage.

Nine years ago this week, we began to chant: "We never will forget 9/11."

Damn, Chuck, if by "we" there you mean right-wing crazies, you didn't just start chanting, you started doing the frickin' wave. 

Nine years later, I think too many of us have forgotten, especially those in the White House.

Islamic extremists murdered almost 3,000 innocent Americans on 9/11. Who would have believed that within a decade of that tragic event, we'd have a president who believes, according to his own 2009 Cairo confession and creed, that it is part of his "responsibility as president of the United States to fight against negative stereotypes of Islam wherever they appear"?

Oh, whatever. 

Not to mention his mission to fight for the new mosque near ground zero!

"Towing the bigot missile" is the new "waving the bloody shirt."

We then get Chuck offering his HELPFUL PRECIS of WHAT HAS GONE BEFORE for the BENEFIT of NEW READERS.

In Part 1 of this series, I began to demonstrate how President Barack Obama is using his special envoy to the Organization of the Islamic Conference, Rashad Hussain, to "deepen and expand the partnerships that the United States has pursued with Muslims around the world since President Obama's speech in Cairo."

Well, fair enough. When Bush said he wanted to reach out to the Muslim World, he sent them Karen Hughes, something that's pretty hard to square with the idea that he wanted them to like us.

Also he started a pretty stupid war against a country that had nothing to do with 9/11. I suppose if you buy the "logic" of the Ground Zero Mosque Is Wicked!!! argument, then the Iraq war makes sense too, though it's only a small step from there to the idea that the sensible next step is to send missiles into Lower Manhattan, and that's just crazy talk. Oh wait. Right. We're towing the bigot missile....

The rest of Chuck's tedious prattling is about how Obama hates the Jesus-lovers but loves the Musselmen. I lack the patience to go through it all, because, and this is what Chuck does, it's all recycled wingnut blog-standard drivel, and bleah. So just one crazy bit from his Electrifying Conclusion.

And just a few months ago, on June 23, that anti-First Amendment stand was reiterated. Hussain clearly explained the new leg of Obama's Muslim mission at the Woodrow Wilson International Center for Scholars -- information, by the way, that no mainstream news agency I could find even reported. Hussain said, "The OIC and the Obama administration will work together in the U.N. on the issue of defamation of religion, especially in Europe." (Please read that again.)

Could it get any clearer? "Especially in Europe," but not excluding America or wherever else Americans reside in the world!

And why should we not believe that Obama will overstep the Constitution again by handing over the administration of defamation of religion laws to global and international powers, when he recently reported Arizona immigration laws to the U.N. as an example of a human rights violation?

Gracious, what a tangle.

If you're not familiar with Rashad Hussain, that is because you're either a policy geek or you read a lot of wingnut blogs. This will get you up to speed if you care to get there, and I'll fully understand if you don't. As for the latest guff, it's more of the same (see here for the even crazier) all shriek, no light.

The thing about Obama wanting to destroy the First Amendment to make it illegal to not be nice to Muhammed comes from this Weekly Standard piece, which gives a sketchy account of Hussain's speech that you can view here in Part One (warning: it's a pretty tedious speech). The gist of the wingnut version is that Hussain is sympathetic to European laws about how you should get tossed in the clink for Insulting Islam.

The relevant bit for Chuck begins at about 36:30. And there isn't a lot of it. What Hussain says is unsurprisingly consistent with what he's said before:

We are also working on the issues of religious intolerance and discrimination at the UN. The United States would like to reach agreement with the OIC on an alternative to the defamation of religion resolution at the UN that addresses the problems of intolerance and discrimination. There is much that we agree on. The United States encourages respect for all religions and as a general matter discourages speech that is offensive. Moreover, we have seen first-hand the discrimination and violence that can be exacerbated by intolerance towards and fear of persons with different religious faiths. Measures taken by governments to unduly control religious dress or symbols like the hijab and minarets are offensive and wrong.

All he means is that the United States takes the view that it's wrong to make it illegal for anyone to express their religious beliefs:

On the issues of targeting religions, while we are also deeply concerned by hate speech that denigrates venerable figures such as the Prophet Muhammad, one area of negotiation that remains on the resolution is whether governments should place legal restrictions on speech. It has been my observation that doing so is counter-productive. The examples of the Satanic Verses and the Danish cartoons demonstrate that attempts to prohibit speech merely raise the profile of these depictions and make them more widespread. The cartoon ban led to the creation of a “Draw Muhammad” Facebook page. In the age of the Internet, governments cannot stop these pages from popping up. Attempting to shut down these pages will likely lead their authors to move their messages to other places such as MySpace or YouTube. Will governments shut down all these sites? And when they are unable or unwilling to do so, won’t they look weak for not being able enforce the speech restrictions they have put in place. This is why I believe that the resolution as it stands is actually bad for Muslims and Muslim-majority countries. An alternative approach which supports free speech and freedom of religion, while condemning negative racial and religious stereotyping and actions by individuals, provides a better way forward.

Which is some awfully innocuous opining. Or it would be, if Greater Wingnuttia cared about anything but its own lunatic dogma.

I mean, hell, to capture the utter inanity here, let's sample Chuck again:

(Please read that again.)

Could it get any clearer? "Especially in Europe," but not excluding America or wherever else Americans reside in the world!

Could Chuck Norris get any dumber? Hussain was keynoting at a conference called, astonishingly,

Beyond Cairo: Visions of a New Decade in EUROPEAN Islamic Relations

I've highlighted the crucial bit, the part that shows how Chuck Norris has no idea whatsoever what he's talking about, and doesn't remotely care.

Next we'll make fun of his stupid PSA.

Quite Possibly Not A Joke

M. Bouffant

Good Reason I Guess

Whenever I get bored and want to kick someone around awhile, I pick on Chuck Norris. Heh.

More than they have been at any other time in U.S. history, our First Amendment freedoms of speech and religion are in jeopardy.

That is all my balls, Chuck Norris, you great big salty bag of shithead man-gristle, you. 

Indeed, this is a perfectly potty thing to say. What the fuck is wrong with you, Mr. Know Jack Shit about the Alien N' Sedition acts, or Anthony Comstock?

As if recently passed "hate crime" laws and a politically correct culture weren't bad enough.

Oh. Well, but then, last I looked, Pam Geller (!) pedals the News Cycle...

Now our president is using international pressure and possibly law to establish a prohibition against insulting Islam or Muslims.

Allah is GAY! (Waits for it... all seems OK... Maybe later...)

Let me remind us how we got here.

You made shit up?

Speaking for most Founding Fathers in his day, John Jay, the first chief justice of the U.S. Supreme Court, appointed by George Washington himself, said, "Providence has given to our people the choice of their rulers, and it is the duty, as well as the privilege and interest, of a Christian nation to select and prefer Christians for their rulers."

Fair enough. And John Jay's profit on't is, I know how to tell him to fuck off. I mean, in this quote, he sounds like an absolute shit who deserves a punch in the Christmas presents.

Two hundred years later, President Barack Obama has denied America's rich Judeo-Christian heritage before the eyes and ears of other countries, as he publicly declared in Turkey on April 6, 2009, "We do not consider ourselves a Christian nation."

Wait, didn't I already mock this...? Yes. Jaysus, Chuck, just lame.

Beeble beeble... it goes on...

President Obama is not just rebooting America's image in the Muslim world. He's deepening and expanding Islamic belief, practice and culture around the world, like a Muslim missionary.

Well, whatever.

Obama is in point of fact doing nothing of the kind. I am fed up to my perky tits with the nonsense over whether or not he is, though. It's long past time for alleged grownups like Chuck Fucking Norris to just stop making up preposterous gibberish.

Because... aw, fuck it. Christ, we are so fucked.

The Boys Dreaming, Scheming

It appears Chuck Norris has said something stupid on the Internet. What are the odds I axe you. 

Last week, I discussed a series of evidences regarding how President Barack Obama is leading the White House pack in distancing his administration from the Boy Scouts of America.

To paraphrase C. T. Robot, gah, this is a sequel to something.

I'd wondered why last week seemed so unusually placid and dumb-free and sunshine glad. Guess I should have hit the Chuck-a-Snooze one more damn time....

Oh well what the hell, we're already in gear and suited up, so away we go. 

Last week, I discussed a series of evidences regarding how President Barack Obama is leading the White House pack in distancing his administration from the Boy Scouts of America.

"Evidences" only passed Chuck's spell check because he doesn't know you can only put the "s" there if "evidence" is a verb. Here is an amusing Chuck Norris Fact: that Chuck Norris knows karate doesn't mean he has a command of written English, and also, he has semi-literate editors. How comical.

And who put that Cleavon Little-looking specimen in charge of "the White House pack" anyhow?

As I pointed out, the White House has delayed Eagle Scout certificate signings, denied the invitation to go to the Boy Scouts of America's 100th anniversary gala, downplayed Obama's acceptance of BSA's honorary presidency, dodged official communications about the BSA, not defended the BSA against cultural attacks, and diminished Obama's all-around role as BSA's honorary president.

Maybe he's busy. Or else, who fucking cares?

Ah, but we lack that luxury. Now we're in The Shit, so we must backtrack, or perhaps more appropriately, flashback. ("Marines! We are leaving!" Explosions. Exeunt omnes, etc.)

And we discover that Chuck's sport panties are pulling his gristly pubes inwards because of this class of inanity:

Over the past few months, a widely circulated e-mail has reported that

A widely who the what?

Categorically, Internet watchdog sites, such as snopes.com, have classified the claims as "hogwash."

Wacky.

A new entry on snopes.com defends that

Speak English or Die! Mucking forward:

To be frank, I think Obama's delay in signing Eagle Scout certificates has more to do with White House political correctness and establishing an arm's-length relationship with the BSA than it has to do with any simple "administrative delay," especially when lawsuits have been levied against the BSA because of its stand against atheists, agnostics and homosexuals.

OK, Frank. Levy the lawsuits and damn the homos, full bullshit ahead! 

I'm sort of lost here; the precise pettiness of the grievance is becoming impossible to locate in the overall Chuckenfuckery.

Look, Obama likes the fucking Boy Scouts.

I myself hate the fucking Boy Scouts, because someone has to be enough of an asshole to dislike asinine ideological paramilitary formations based on 19th century nationalist nonsense. Note also how I am not running for president.

Also note how Chuck Norris is fucking weird:

Just as Pontius Pilate washed his hands of any buy-in to Jesus' execution, the White House continually is whitewashing its connection and responsibility to the BSA. And just as Pontius Pilate's actions prompted us to question what good came from his position, President Obama has caused us to wonder what good has come from his role as honorary president of BSA.

Perspective, Chuck. Perspective.

Look it up. Honestly, it's a word in English. Google it.

Rub Her Legs

Gloof. Shmuggalinmg.

Watching U.S. members of the House and Senate, and the president's Cabinet in a joint session of Congress stand and applaud Mexican President Felipe Calderon's slam of Arizona's new immigration enforcement law, I thought, "What a despicable act of disloyalty to one of their own states and a ludicrous leadership move to boot, especially when 71 percent of Arizonians agree with its new immigration law."

"Disloyalty"? Klexmer mitochondrion blap!

Of This We Are Proud

I bet you didn't know that Bill Clinton masterminded the fraud that got Barack Obama elected in order to nominate a Supreme Court justice who will cover up once and for all Clinton's role in training the Iraqi agent who brainwashed Tim McVeigh into the Oklahoma City bombing. Every day you learn something new! 

In this vein, hello, Chuck Norris, what wisdom have you for us today?

One day, we will wake up to discover that the U.S. has signed a global treaty that will prohibit any transfer of firearm ownership, force reductions in the number of firearms privately owned and eventually eradicate the planet of guns for law-abiding citizens. Of course, the criminals will still illegally have their guns. And on that day, if you do not comply with that global treaty, you will be fined and face imprisonment. 

As an inhabitant of the Planet of Guns, Chuck Norris fears eradication via the mechanism of a global treaty, a special kind of treaty that gets signed in the night.

Gosh, Chuck Norris, I gotta say, this sounds an awful lot like a fictitious story or a false warning...

This is not a fictitious story or false warning.

Holy shit! It's real!

As sure as government health care has been shoved down our throats, so will the barrels of our guns.

Always with the throat-shoving, these guys. But how will this antidemocratic global treaty gun-taking be accomplished...?

via the election and work of an antigun president

Via an election! Hitler was elected too, you know, and the first thing Hitler did? Ban guns! These are very true Internet facts! Ergo: Obama is worse than Hitler. Hitler lacked, as Chuck Norris points out, "the funding of an anti–Second Amendment movement by billionaire progressives like George Soros." And it's true! Everywhere you look, there's a well-funded agent of the Anti-Second Amendment Movement poised & ready to snatch away your gun, in the manner of a Rabbit continually attempting to leave you bereft of your Trix. It's all tied together. 

Anyhow we know Obama's coming after your guns, because it's scientifically proven by scientific statistics:

No wonder a Gallup poll in October 2009 revealed that 41 percent of all Americans and 52 percent of gun owners believe that Obama will try eventually to ban the sale of guns.

Holy shit! Gun nuts are overwhelmingly nuts about guns! They are cookoo for ammo puffs! As it were! Because you could never get an entire 41% of Americans to believe just any sort of crazy shit -- just, you know, right-wing crazy shit. Over on our side we have about the same percentage believing in evolution, so it all balances out pretty finely.

Chuck Norris then tells us about CIFTA, a proposed law so insidiously anti-American, it has a Spanish acronym. Heck, it's so awful, the NRA tells us that

The treaty does include language suggesting that it is not intended to restrict "lawful ownership and use" of firearms.

Of course the NRA opposes it anyway, because if they aren't making gun nuts paranoid, the people who run the NRA would need to go out and get a real job. It's a pretty good gig, if you can get it -- all you have to do is wind up people like Chuck Norris, who are pretty tightly wrapped anyhow, and not a little bit silly. Quoth Chuck Norris:

NRA might mean National Rifle Association, but it also means to me, "Never Remove (your) Arms."

So he's not very good with acronyms and won't put down his shotgun even while pooping. But that doesn't make him crazy! This makes him crazy:

In fact, by way of fair warning for any would-be burglars that break into my house, I hope they read the sign on my front porch first: "We don't dial 9-1-1 here."

I'm sure. I know I'd hate to be the law enforcement agent who comes to Chuck Norris's door to ask about all the dead bodies stacked up on his porch. Why, that maniac has a gun!

No Need for Further Questioning

Chuck Norris has up one of his typically head-in-raisiny-ass incoherent rants up at Townhall; the duly elected federal government might be so tyrannical and illogical as to contemplate a tax hike as a deficit reduction measure (!), shriek. Sifting through the otherwise standardly issued brown matter, though, one discovers an especially remarkable undigested (ahem) gem:

We all must fight (once and for all and across the board) to elect fiscally prudent politicians like our Founders, those like Thomas Jefferson, who brought down the national deficit though making the Louisiana Purchase and engaging the U.S. in a war with Tripoli.

Sometimes you encounter something so majestically and wonderfully stupid that you can only breathe deep, reveling in its marvelous fatuity.

But still, one sure does hope that, posthaste, we might be ever so fortunate as to discover ourselves at war with distant foreigners, and simultaneously in need of pouring cash into, er, Louisiana. Oh how lucky we would be here in the good old USA!

Market Your Failure

Chuck Norris continues his experiment about the feasibility of completely converting his already hideously desiccated flesh into some form of revolting jerky. He started this process with his brain. Zombies beware: Chuck Norris is not very delicious.

I am no pinnacle of humility, and I've learned my fair share of hard lessons from the camps of conceit.

Perhaps this makes sense in the original Stupid and has been badly translated. In English, humility builds no pinnacles, because you can't make something taller by digging. Also, the Camps of Conceit are bad places to send your children for the holidays because all they learn there is Preening. Which they could learn at home! On the Humility Pinnacles!

But I'm not sure the former Chicago politician occupying the White House ever has been schooled with a primer on the perils of pride.

Chuck Norris has discovered alliteration. Yay. On the whole, though, shut up, Iris. Also Chuck Norris shot that fat barkeep and is trying to moon you, man.

Starving for the Season

Here comes Chucky Norris, here comes Chucky Norris, right down Chucky Norris Lane.

I'm willing to bet that President Barack Obama's Christmas address this week will shine with a religious significance that's about as bright as what was in his unusually short Thanksgiving proclamation, which gave a token reference to God via a quote from George Washington.

I defy the Providers and wager a thousand quatloos!

Even in the Obamas' superstar Christmas interviews with Oprah Winfrey and Gloria Estefan, there were discussions about Santa Claus, Christmas trees, ornaments, gingerbread houses and even their dog's Christmas stocking. Obama even gave a Christmas shout-out to all Hispanics. But there was not one mention of religion or a hint of the real reason for the season.

Serious theologians be dismayed: Neither Oprah nor Gloria Estefan were troubled with complicated contemplation of profound religious matters by the leaders of the most powerful secular nation on Earth. 

Gone are the days when presidents and most politicians publicly rejoiced in the birth of Christ. Like many of you, I still remember a day -- even in Washington -- when Christ was central to Christmas. It was an America that was far less politically correct, an America that wasn't afraid to stand up for its belief in the babe who was born in Bethlehem.

Heh. As a commie, I liked how Joe Biden went and peed in the manger of the White House Nativity. Or something. What is Chuck on about...?

Besides Obama, even our modern Democratic presidents have stood up for America's Judeo-Christian heritage and the true meaning of Christmas.

Sure but... hey, wait. Christmas hasn't happened yet. Is Chuck really unloading on Obama for something he could not yet possibly have done? Or not done? No! Of course not! That would be stupid!

Oh wait yes Chuck is doing exactly that.

Will President Obama's Christmas address rival those Christian confessions of past presidents? Will it even reflect them at all? Or will his yuletide cheer be another politically correct concoction, adding to the ones that already have adorned the first year of his presidency?

Only time will tell, and only morons will care.

Unlike all preceding presidents, President Obama has denied America's rich Judeo-Christian heritage before the eyes and ears of other countries, as he publicly declared in Turkey on April 6 for the whole world to hear: "We do not consider ourselves a Christian nation."

Who are the "we" to whom Obama refers?

Beats me. Go ask Joe Lieberman, perhaps, though. He's enough of a douchebag to tell you want to hear on this subject, anyhow.

Consider how his statement smacks against the former presidents' statements above.

Go ask most of our former presidents if a black guy could ever have their job.

The truth is that every time President Obama has had an opportunity to stand up for Christianity in any way, he has not only denied it but also disdained it.

"Where Is Your Jesus Now, and also Hope and Change."

Even during his presidential campaign, Obama sarcastically belittled America's Judeo-Christian heritage, calling it "faggy," and degraded its adherents with trite remarks typical of any atheistic antagonist, like any sincere Muslim would. For example: "Whatever we once were, we are no longer a Christian nation"; "the dangers of sectarianism are greater than ever"; "religion doesn't allow for compromise"; "The Jesus followers want to skull-fuck your grandma"; "the Sermon on the Mount (is) a passage that is so radical that it's doubtful that our own Defense Department would survive its application"; "Fuck kickboxing and praise Allah,"; and "to base our policymaking on such commitments (as moral absolutes) would be a dangerous thing, like barebacking, that is, gay anal sex without condoms. 

And no I have not fucked with that quote, thanks for axing, any more egregiously than Chuck fucked with the originals.

And yet over the past year, President Obama has sympathized and supported Muslims and Islamic theology, practice and culture.

Muslims are of course the most insidious of all classes of atheists.

He even has defended domestic terrorism, by encouraging Americans "not to jump to conclusions" about the Fort Hood shooter's being a Muslim extremist.

Has Obama not learned the lessons of such wicked terrorists as Tim McVeighahummad?

And Obama refused to say anything against jihadist and Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad when, on Dec. 7, he publicly accused the U.S. of actively planning and plotting to stop mankind's real savior: "(The U.S. has) devised all these plans to prevent the coming of the Hidden Imam because they know that the Iranian nation is the one that will prepare the grounds for his coming and will be the supporters of his rule."

Well sure! Wait. What...? Oh. Now Norris' point is crystal clear. Obama should have stressed in public that he is hiding no Hidden Imams, so in the meantime, Iranians, please accept this Baby Jesus to tide you over. And please do not harbor any doubts as to our ulterior motives *cough regime change cough.*

Or something along those lines. I admit, I'm flummoxed.

What President Obama, like many other far-left politicians, needs is a paradigm shift -- a new way of seeing America, which is really an old way. It's the way our Founders viewed America, and it incorporates a good ol'-fashioned Christmas proclamation of Christ's birth. That America is the one I outline in the new (January 2010) paperback expansion of my New York Times best-seller "Black Belt Patriotism," which is ironically the same Christmas gift I'm sending to the president!

I'm sure he'll be thrilled. Anyway, how many Christmas Jesuses were there to a slave, you know, back in them good old days? Three fifths?

There is also one gift that I propose the president give this nation. Seeing as Obama prides himself on being the technological president, in lieu of his Christmas proclamation this year, I suggest that he just send out across the nation the online link to a YouTube video that I had posted under the title "Ronald Reagan Christmas address (12/23/81)."

I suggest that this Reagan shit is creepy. But more than that, I suggest that if Obama tried anything like Reagan's pious bullshit, Chuck Norris would be the first asshole over the side to screech about hypocrite ungodly Obama acting like a hypocrite panderer for Godly Christians.

Talking Points Memo, Providing You All the Snark Provided Two Days Ago By Whiskey Fire

Hey, nix!

Jeez, TPM guys, you're a little late to the party. And the same goes for the subSully. And you too, Comedy Central. Honestly...

Chuck debuts his idiocy at TownHall, for future reference. His Human Events viscera is days-old warmed-over Chuckery, like fish guts left out on the pier that even homeless seagulls wouldn't touch.

Grumble.

MORE. And Alan frickin' Colmes!

All of these blogs need to link me immediately and acknowledge my scoop or I will organize a boycott see if I don't.