Here is a FUN Mental Exercise CHALLENGE. Play along at home, or at work, or even while driving! It is not only fun, this fun mental exercise challenge, but also challenging, and exercisingly mental, plus fun. Also it involves orgasms. And Jesus.
STEP ONE. Imagine that you are a woman.
Note. If you actually are a woman, this part of the Mental Exercise Challenge ought to be relatively easy. But these are early days yet. Don't get cocky. As it were.
Note. If you are not sure whether you qualify as a woman according to Established Professional Standards, examine the picture below, which Top MIT Research Scientists agree constitutes a woman. Procure a mirror. Compare!
STEP TWO. Imagine that you are a woman who enjoys fantastic orgasms.
Note. "I got this covered!" you may be saying to yourself, be you an actual or imagined woman: "Categorically, NO! Fantastic Orgasms suck! As do fantastic orgasm sucking related activities!"
If, uh, if this is your response, you can, like, stop reading. The rest of the Fun Mental Exercise Challenge is sort of biased towards the debauched minority amongst us of fantastic-orgasm-enjoyers. Just thought you should know.
So, surely, most of youse don't much care for fantastic orgasms and have thus quit reading this post. However I shall soldier on. Such is my dedication to my craft.
Note. We hates fantastic orgasms, Precious.
STEP THREE. Imagine that right up there with fantastic orgasms, you enjoy Jesus. It's, like, a tie.
Note. Who doesn't enjoy a tasty Jesus every now and then? It's been a rough week. Come Friday night, all you want to do is go out for cheeseburgers and just unwind with a tall, cold, delicious Jesus.
Note. Sweet frosty Christ, yum.
STEP FOUR. Who is going to win, ladies -- your desire for a fantastic orgasm -- or your fear that IF YOU USE SOME SORT OF ORGASM MACHINE TO HAVE AN ORGASM, THAT MIGHT PISS OFF JESUS, WHO IS YOUR BOYFRIEND? IT IS A FIGHT!
Note. Uh, what....?
STEP FIVE. YOU FUCKING HEARD ME.
Note. No, you lost me.
STEP SIX. If you are a WOMAN, Jesus should be your boyfriend. ONLY HE SHOULD DELIGHT YOUR LADY BITS, and His Instrument is your Husband.
Note. Holy shit, you've been reading that crazy Canadian goof!
STEP SEVEN. YES. WE HAVE BEEN READING THAT CRAZY CANADIAN GOOF!
Note. Have you noticed the Amusing Contradictions here? Observe:
Yes, God designed us to be orgasmic
Note. And... interestingly...
And interestingly, studies have shown that the people who actually enjoy sex the most, and the women who are most likely to orgasm during sex, are those in committed, religious marriages.
Note. (STUDIES! Magical studies published by Sexy God Unicorn Press!) But...
Most guys aren’t that big. And they can’t vibrate like that. Do you really want to get reliant on something your husband can never be for an orgasm?
So, uh, the clear conclusion is, non-cited citations of "studies" aside...
STEP EIGHT. Exactly! Jesus wants women to get married so as to have orgasms inferior to those they can get through inexpensive sex toys.
Note. Jesus sounds like kind of a jealous, insecure asshole.
Note. But let us be charitable. Shorter Jesus: "I could totally make your pubes quake, Mary M, if I weren't NAILED TO THIS FUCKING TREE."
Note. "But actually that feels kinda nice, honey... er, yeah, it's, uh, part of My Plan...
A little more to the left...
Sweet... fucking... ME....!!!!!"
[I'm almost halfway 100% ashamed of this joke, but not quite. --Thers]
STEP NINE. Clearly, Jesus wants you to come, if you are a woman. Just only when hubby induces it. On the three or four occasions, lifetime, when you''re trying to make babies.
Note. Here is why, according to this Canadian loon, Christian women have orgasms:
Because they’re the least likely to feel divorce is an option, so they’re with this person for life. And commitment is the best aphrodisiac!
STEP TEN. Oh, baby, you are so the only choice for genital pleasure I have before Death's Sweet Carress.
Note. Uh... yeah... Lou Rawls ain't got shit on that...