This Deal for Everyone

I ordinarily have no time for Bill O'Reilly, but this... this is special.

With Americans busy celebrating the 233rd birthday of the USA this week, freedom of speech comes to mind. We Americans are big on speaking freely, but the words we use are quite another matter. In fact, we are becoming a nation of braying sheep, using the same words and phrases over and over again. Benjamin Franklin, a wordsmith if there ever was one, would have some issues with that.

Maybe Franklin just didn't know that sheep "bray." I didn't. I thought that was donkeys, and that sheep were the woolly gentlemen concerned primarily and in the initial res ipsa with "bleating." But then again, I am almost positive I am not the only person relieved, and surprised, that Bill O'Reilly is not intimately discerning in regards to barnyard noises. For myself it is by far the nicest thing I could ever imagine saying about the fellow.

"Issues." That is a drastically overused word that is being used to avoid the proper word: "problems." He has "issues" sounds a lot better than "the guy is dramatically screwed up." So, my friend, issues, not problems, is the new polite.

Bill O'Reilly will no doubt be thrilled to learn that at least one American is free of all weenie linguistic biases and is patriotically proud to call him an asshole.

"My friend." Is it just me, or does calling someone you just met "my friend" sound a bit condescending?

Fuck you and stop bothering me.

Friendship takes time and commitment. I don't want somebody telling me I'm his or her friend.

I think you're good.

Alexander Hamilton, who could be a mean guy, would understand, and if he were still alive, he would give me a shout out.

He'd shout out, "damn, you're even a worse asshole than Aaron Burr."

"Shout out." That cliche comes from the hip-hop world, which has done more to ruin the English language than Paris Hilton.

What? How the hell did we get from Alexander Hamilton to hip-hop and then to Paris Hilton? Are we high?

And while there may be things about Paris Hilton of which I fail to approve, what especial evil did she ever do to proper English usage? This is mysterious: how is Paris Hilton an insult incarnate to the language of Milton and Shakespear and the Bible? Just because your tits are out there on the Internet does not make you a bedraggled guttersnipe. Hence Bill O'Reilly ought to cease this detestable boo-hooing.

But the rappers have won this lexicon battle.

Hooray rappers!

Millions of Americans are now shouting out to their friends and neighbors.

Allahu Akbar!

What's next, Dick Cheney giving a "shout out" to Don Rumsfeld? Could happen, and if it does, it will be Cheney's "bad."

If Dick Cheney wants to shoot Donald Rumsfeld in the face, I'd have no problem with that.

"My bad." This may be the worst cliche to hit the country since "groovy." Again, it comes from the hip-hop industry, where "they be chillin'" over using actual phrases like "that was my fault."

You know what would actually be scary? Rappers saying "groovy." To be fair, I sincerely wish they would not do that, if they were planning to. MC No-No! Also, this is a very advanced algebra:

Why say four words when you can say two and rhyme at the same time? "My bad, I'm mad."

Perhaps this is even correct, if we are willing to argue over what the definition of "two" is. Also, last I heard, "they be chillin,'" in hip 1985 white people slang, translated to "those fellows are having a refreshing beverage." What a wacky demotic! Is "homeboy" a no longer an equivalent term in 1980s-white-guy talk for "can I rape your sister?" (Flipping frantically through current-edition phrasebook.) Bill should "help a brother out" and ask about this the next time he visits a Harlem restaurant. 

"Awesome." Why? Why not "splendid"? Or "excellent"? Or "super"? Sorry, we had "super" a few years ago, and it almost drove me to learn Farsi. But, really, why awesome? Why is everybody saying that? And don't tell me "it is what it is."

WHAT EVILS BESET LARRY KING!

I hate that. "It is what it is." What does that mean? Should we go around saying stuff like "hey, look at that alligator over there -- it is what it is." I know that. I know what I'm seeing and hearing. I don't need someone to tell me "that refrigerator is what it is." That is sooooo not cool.

Sooooo. Pleeeease. Stooooop.

Getttttt. Helppppp. Fasttttttt.

Boo! An alligator! Gah! In the refrigerator! Squawk!

And cool. When Brando said it in the 1950s, it sounded good. When Edd "Kookie" Byrnes said it on "77 Sunset Strip," it was in context. When President Obama says it, I want to turn in my passport. Grown ups should not be saying "cool" unless they are willing, like Brando, to ride big motorcycles very fast. Then it's OK. You go, girl!"

Snark fails. He really said that.

Yikes. "You go, girl!" Another expression from the hood made popular by Oprah and other TV people. Now all the girls are going. But where? Where are the ladies heading? I don't know.

As far away from you as they can get with or without a passport. In the room the ladies come and go, talking of how the court said keep a half mile away from me, creep. I must go and make my visit; Snoop Dogg mumbles "yah fo shiznit"; Bill O'Reilly, he's illit'rate.

Comments

[JB]

"My bad" is actually a condescending, ironic translation of "mea culpa."

But if you ask me, you didn't need an excuse to link to the PE video.They are in full effect.

[Caliph Garrett]

Sorry, Bill-O, Andy Rooney already has the language curmudgeon territory covered.

And it is objective, verifiable fact that the CB radio craze of the 1970s was far more inimical to the English language than hip-hop.

[ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®©]

That's a big 10-4 there, Caliph.
~

[my valuable hunting knife]

Hamilton and his longtime confidant John Laurens would both revile Billy O.

[Dr Dick]

I think Sarah Palin and Jonah Goldberg have far more damage to the English language just in the past few years than hip-hop has in the past few decades.

[Gummo]

O'Reilly's just auditioning to take over the William Safire language-maven spot in the Sunday Times magazine.

But Safire, while a far-right-wing asshole, (a) really did know the English language, and (b) knew enough to put politics aside when writing on language.

O'Reilly fulfills neither requirement. He's a blustering ignorant meathead. But maybe he thinks his gig isn't going to last much longer?

[Nom de Plume]

Very few people in the media today, least of all O'Reilly, have any business complaining about the degradation of the English language. Jesus, read a newspaper from just 100 years ago, and it's like reading fucking Shakespeare.

Go back and read the Lincoln/Douglas debates, and you'll want to kill yourself.

[P. Drano]

What Caliph said.
Oh, I guess that's some sort of pitiful phony web jargon.

[Lawnguylander]

O'Reilly's # 1 beef with rap is that it allowed LL Cool J to live in his neighborhood.

[darkblack]

Surely Mr. O'Reilly raised his healthy voice and cried out for some bold fresh piece of humanity like himself who, mayhap, had also experienced the carnal pleasures of the maternal figure to fetch a frosty flagon of Thé glacé upon penning this timely monologue disparaging the usage of such tribal jargon amongst the smart set.

;>)

[Fleas correct the era]

Maybe he's breaking the news of a hitherto-unknown hip-hop attempt to ruin Paris Hilton. Or the Paris Hilton.

Or just breaking the news. As usual. Bill -- it's broke. You can stop now.

[surf is fun]

We have the Academy Awards.
We have the American Music Awards.
We have the Pulitzer Prize.

Why can't we have a "Stupidest American Living Award?"

[Righteous Bubba]

Awesome.

[Fats Durston]

Shorter BillO: Andy Rooney died and left a niche, didn't he?

[Kevin J-M]

"My bad" came from the sports world, specifically basketball, not originally from hip hop, though rappers and the general hip hop community (of all races) picked up on the phrase and disseminated it widely. It's O'Reilly's racism that has caused him to conflate basketball players and hip hop artists.

[Bas-O-Matic]

We used "my bad" in my southern white-bread suburb 30 years ago well before any of us even knew there was such a thing as the 'hippity hoppity' all the kids go on about these days.

[Xecky Gilchrist]

People have been pissing and moaning about the decline of language since there was such a thing as language - IIRC, Swift himself bemoaned slang back in the day.

My 80-year-old dad has started saying "back in the day" all the time, which is charming as hell.

[Elliot]

This shit from a member of the party that takes pride in pushing Orwellian newspeak on us?

[zuzu]

Why can't we have a "Stupidest American Living Award?"

Has Doug Feith's jersey been retired?

[flory]

"It is what it is." What does that mean?

Ummm...Billo?

There's a latin version -- res ipsa loquiter. Been in use for quite a while.

Who knew you had such a problem with using the plain english version.
I bet you hate freedom and the fourth of july too.
.

[daphne]

How'd he pivot to Hilton? It's called a segueway, and he's spectacularly bad at it.

[daphne]

Also, they share a last initial. Seriously: the guy who adorns every commentary with "far left loons" (an inaccurate cliche invented by him) complains?

[The Kenosha Kid]

The first time I heard "My bad," it was from Alicia Silverstone in 'Clueless.' Silverstone is OG, mah peeps.

[whet moser]

I'd be more willing to take this shit from O'Reilly if his most prominent contribution to the American language wasn't riding "shut up" into the ground.

[Porlock Junior]

"It is what it is"?! Well, I guess we can't expect a guy who doesn't know(*) which side committed the Malmedy massacre to have heard of Cambridge philosophers and the sort of thing they were saying 70+ years ago. Like "A thing is what it is, and not something else."

(*) Actually, refuses to know. Months after his amazing assertion (used, in case anyone has forgotten, to prove that war crimes are OK), after everyone had laughed him out of the room, he repeated it.

Next up: Somebody gets caught saying that everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler. O'Reilly gets apoplectic at such stupidity.

And "cool" fit only for kids? Right. In fact, some of the kids agree. The mother of a friend of mine, a lady of an age verging on venerable, was among some young-type people a few years ago, and ventured to call something, in the argot of her early years, cool. They thought she was lamely trying to imitate their lingo. Really.

Here we need an item about those kids having no sense of history. Go for it, Andy.

[actor212]

I'm surprised he didn't go whole hog over "chillaxin' "

That dinner at Sylvia's seem to have left an impression and not a good one after all.

[Jay_B]

It's ironic that he's opened me up to the possibilities of Motherfucking Iced Tea.

[Mark D]

So a man who doesn't know the difference between a loofah and a falafel is lecturing everyone else about language?

Hey, Bill, here's something else you hear a lot in the hip hop world: Go fuck yourself, bitch.

Oh, IMHO, text messaging and Twitter is killing the English language faster than anything else in history, FWIW. ;-)