Better Yet Let's All Get Wet!

Congratulations are in order for Jonah Goldberg, who has discovered a way to be oppressed by a thesaurus. Maybe he can now apply for a grant to pioneer a method whereby "conservatives" might be enslaved by toasters.

MORE. Oh wait, I see this is actually a hereditary condition involving paranoid attitudes in regards to reference works. Well, if I were their phone book, I wouldn't have liked them, either.

Comments

[El Gato Negro!]

I was going to say something to the effect of "Don't make me read the damn thingy!" but holy crrrap that's funny.

There's nothing liberal blogueros could do to torture Jonah Goldberg that could be worse than what his own brain does to him, already.

[Righteous Bubba]

Doubleplusfunny.

[LOL]

I hate giving them clicks, so I'm copypasting for those who feel likewise.

What the Dictionary Says [Jonah Goldberg]

Jonah -

I am a DC based television writer and earlier today I turned to a thesaurus. I was looking for a good synonym for the word "advanced." (I am writing about dinosaurs.) I went to one of my usual sources, Thesaurus.com - - the on-line version of the esteemed Roget's Thesaurus.

So just what words are listed as synonyms for "advanced?" - - how about "liberal" or "progressive."

Main Entry: advanced
Part of Speech: adjective
Definition: ahead in position, time, manner
Synonyms: avant-garde, breakthrough, excellent, exceptional, extreme, first, foremost, forward, higher, late, leading, liberal, precocious, progressive, radical, state-of-the-art*, unconventional, cutting-edge, leading-edge

Then, just for fun, I clicked on the word "liberal" - - and got such hits as "enlightened," "humanitarian," "intelligent," "rational," "unbiased," unprejudiced" and "unbigoted" - - as for antonyms try "conservative" and "narrow-minded."

Main Entry: liberal
Part of Speech: adjective
Definition: progressive
Synonyms: advanced, avant-garde, broad, broad-minded, catholic, enlightened, flexible, free, general, high-minded, humanitarian, indulgent, intelligent, interested, left, lenient, loose, magnanimous, permissive, radical, rational, reasonable, receiving, receptive, tolerant, unbiased, unconventional, understanding, unorthodox, unprejudiced, humanistic, latitudinarian, libertarian, reformist, unbigoted
Antonyms: conservative, narrow, narrow-minded

I am a great fan of your columns - - and maybe somewhere in the creeping leftism of something as supposedly benign as a thesaurus will give you some fodder for some future writings...

While annoying, none of this surprises me. I can't tell you how many people have told me that my book is idiotic on its face because the dictionary says so. By the way, my dad wrote about the deep-seated bias of dictionaries for the Wall Street Journal a few years ago.

Oh and the kind words are appreciated and *not* annoying.

[commie atheist]

Best thing is that he links to an article by his father, Sidney Greenstreet...er, Goldstein:

In Merriam-Webster's Collegiate Dictionary (2001 edition) the right, among other things, opposes "change in the established order" and favors "traditional attitudes and practices." Fine. The left, meanwhile, advocates "change in the name of freedom or well-being of the common man." Again, noble motives are assigned to one side and not the other.

Essentially, what papa Goldberg is saying is that opposing "change in the established order" and favoring "traditional attitudes and practice" are not inherently noble pursuits. I'm in total agreement.

[Travis]

Jesus fuck, he is stupid. I can't believe I've had to work -- hard! -- all these years when all he did was to be born to a semi-famous, nasty woman. And now he phones in gibberish, every fucking day. Unfair, life is.

[herr doktor bimler]

Humpty-Dumpty made words mean what he wanted -- no more and no less -- but Jonah has lost control of the lexicon. Words beat him up and steal his lunch money.

Don't show fear, Jonah! The words can smell when you're scared of them!

[Ripley]

Reality proves me wrong. This is central to my point.

[M. Bouffant]

a method whereby "conservatives" might be enslaved by toasters

'Zat a Battle Star Whatever reference, for extra laffs?

[rev.paperboy]

Holy antidisestablishmentarianism Batman! That really is the epitome of modern movement conservatism isn't it? "words mean what we want them to mean I want "shit" to mean "chocolate ice cream" and so it does! It does! Yum yum!"
Jebus Q Christmas, are Doughbob Loadpants and his merry marching society of knuckledraggers even smart enough to come in out of the rain?

[Repack Rider]

I wonder whether he looked up "Dumbshit" to see how his picture came out.

[LittlePig]

Jonah Goldberg knows who his dad is?!!

[Gummo]

Initially I was cursing you for making me click over to The Corner but hot damn, that had to be one of the funniest, stupidest drippings of spoiled brain goo I've read in a long time.

I assume Jonah's working on The New Standard Conservative Dictionary even as we speak....

[SFAW]

I am a DC based television writer and earlier today I turned to a thesaurus.

I thought Breitbart was on the Left Coast? Oh, wait, he said "writer". Never mind.

Maybe he can now apply for a grant to pioneer a method whereby "conservatives" might be enslaved by toasters.

I doubt that Calling All Toasters wants to enslave "conservatives". Waterboarded, perhaps, but not enslaved.

Reality proves me wrong. This is central to my point.

Which is to say. Also.

[Davis]

Liberal bias; it's everywhere! Man, that's a world I'm glad I don't inhabit.

His book is indeed is idiotic on its face. I don't need Jonah to tell me what "liberal" and "fascism" mean.

[Dr Dick]

Further proof that stupid and inane is hereditary. Will no one rid me of this loon?

[Righteous Bubba]

Lucianne should prepare for a weepy phone call when Jonah finds out what "big-boned" means.

[actor212]

Facts are biased.

Words are facts.

Ergo, words are biased, even out of context.

Someone watched the movie "Malcolm X" and that scene in the prison library and suddenly decided they were fucking idiots for not playing that card.

[stickler]

Jackanapes at the expense of DoughBob LoadPants is all to the good, of course. But would someone please explain to me why he appears in national syndication? Why does his paunchy visage appear on the opinion page of my Oregonian, for example? That's the mystery.

[pd]

I think this is progress (there's that word again). Formerly, Jonah was blissfully unaware that some words don't mean what he wants them to mean. He even wrote a book about it.

Now, Jonah has progressed (oops, said it again)
and acknowledged his inability to change definitions because they are central to his point.

[SFAW]

Why does his paunchy visage appear on the opinion page of my Oregonian, for example?

Some possibilities:
1) K-Lo wasn't available. (Well, for publication, that is. She's desperately "available" in the traditional sense.)
2) One of the compositors screwed up with the placement of the Weight Watchers ad
3) Because the publishers thought that when people see his pic, they'll say to themselves "Well, at least I don't look like that!"
4) People get him confused with that other shit-for-brains Doughy Pantload, Jeff Jacoby.
5) He pays them a ton of $$$ to let him "write" in their papers. (Well, actually, Lucianne pays, but you know what I mean.)
6) The publishers are running a "Name The Clown" contest.
7) One of the setup people misunderstood when the publisher said something about "what a train wreck that Glodberg is", and thought people wanted to see blood and gore, so ...
8) Them Jews control the media, so they're watching out for their own

Doubtless there are other possibilities, but these make the most sense to me.

[Bitter Scribe]

Well, what do you want. "Conservative" is a word that had to have the chocolate coating of "compassionate" placed in front of it to make Chimpy palatable to the electorate.

I prefer Ambrose Bierce's definition of conservative: Someone enamored of existing evils, as opposed to the Liberal, who wishes to replace them with others.

[Interrobang]

8) Them Jews Episcopalians control the media, so they're watching out for their own

FYT. Goldberg may have one of those kind of names, but he isn't Jewish...

[Righteous Bubba]

Jonah sez he's Jewish.

Thanks to Susan for setting me straight on the same point.

[SFAW]

Interrobang -
Yes, I know. Just my little joke.

Of course, then Righteous Bubba comes along, and everything I thought I knew has gone out the window.

Oh, well, gotta find a new way to snark on the Pantload. Fortunately, he's a "target-rich environment" for ridicule.