A Contest Featuring Human Beings

Or, the Decay of Football. 

Or.

If there is one thing Americans from every region, income bracket, ethnic group and political persuasion have done in unison in recent days, it is watch football -- a true common denominator of our culture.

My wife disagrees.

More than any other game, football illustrates our virtues as a people, reflecting our national identity and values. That is why so many young men in this country grow up learning more on the football field than they ever do in the classroom -- and to point this out is not to say something shameful about our national priorities or indict either football or classroom learning. It is simply to acknowledge that football's unique combination of physical strife and tactical maneuvering challenges both the character and the intellect in a way few classrooms can.

Oy. Look, I like football. Love football. Fun to watch. Never played in an organized way, but played lots of touch/street/field-grass-kill football, in younger years. And you know what's funny? When Jon Vilma hit Chris Rix and Rix flew like 5 yards straight up in the air... hahahahaha.... what were we talking about?

Perhaps the most important value football can remind Americans of today is justice.

And how great it is to see footage of someone running top speed at someone else and colliding so hard, helmets go flying. Because that is a lot of fun. Wait. ... Justice?

Americans love football because it rewards those who deserve to be rewarded.

Bullshit pass interference calls in overtime determining national championships notwithstanding, I suppose. You fucker.

It does this because its rules are well known, commonsensical, and unchanging during any particular game and season, and also because what it takes to win in football transcends the natural physical talents of those who play it.

Um. The rules of football are so intuitive, there are ways to score in it that nobody remembers exactly how they happen. The rules of football in America have been called many things, but "commonsensical" rarely breaks the top 10.

Just as the kid who never graduates from high school can end up being the largest employer in town, so the kid who is too slow to run track and too short to play basketball can became the fullback who is too hard to tackle -- especially when it is fourth and one and the game is on the line.

Perhaps this explains the strategy of the Detroit Lions coaching staff. "In this critical game situation, let's give the ball to the immobile idiot midget." Otherwise, bet on the big tall fast kid who can read, as a rule.

Just as a partnership of neighborhood plumbers can make millions through hard work and thrift while Wall Street hedge funds go bankrupt through negligence and greed, so, too, a team of lesser athletes that fights harder and devises a better game plan can defeat a faster and bigger yet undisciplined team when they meet face-to-face on the gridiron.

It happens all the time.

Often, football teams that are big and strong but raw squash well-disciplined tiny teams into jelly. Indeed, that is the usual result. That's why the better teams schedule the crappier teams. Also, I am not turning my retirement accounts over to plumbers, who almost always make shitty bankers, as you'd fucking expect. 

I'm starting to wonder if football might be very amusing but perhaps not up to par with, say, the Constitution or established law as far as running a country goes. Then I remember how funny it was when Vilma laid out Rix. Legally! No flag!

It is why Americans are always ready to bet on their own team even when their team is the underdog -- maybe especially when their team is the underdog.

Americans sure do root for America in the "Best Healthcare Olympics." Woot and so forth.

It [football] is why Americans are perennially optimistic. We believe in ourselves. We believe in the efficacy of our own hard work and determination. We believe that if we don't let up and keep playing by the rules, we will eventually win -- perhaps not in this particular game or this particular season, but certainly over the course of an honorable career.

We have learned this from our national history and from our personal histories. This is the way America works. This is why America works

I'm beginning to want Jon Vilma to hit someone else. America cares for its citizens who worked hard all their lives? Really?

And this is what politicians must never change -- the rules of the American dream.

What if we elect them to do certain things we want them to do? Like, to give money to us and not Citicorp? Can politicians do that if they like football?

Some politicians, of course, are tempted to do just that. Some would have government pick the winners and losers in America life, and some -- seeing our free society as too rough and risky -- think they can create a better nation where no one ever loses.

The former are like referees who take it upon themselves to determine the outcome of the game -- regardless of the score. These politicians would arrange it so certain Americans would never be allowed to fail in their businesses while all other Americans would be forced to downsize or forego their dreams to cover the favored ones' losses.

Lookin' good for the individual but bad for Citicorp... BUT WAIT THERE'S A FLAG!

The former are like referees who take it upon themselves to determine the outcome of the game -- regardless of the score. These politicians would arrange it so certain Americans would never be allowed to fail in their businesses while all other Americans would be forced to downsize or forego their dreams to cover the favored ones' losses.

So they're SEC refs -- what could you expect?...

The latter would put America in a prevent defense. They do not believe the role of government is to protect liberty while letting individuals freely pursue whatever opportunities inspire them. They believe the role of government is to prevent people from lacking food, housing and health care by having government guarantee food, housing and health care. In football, the prevent defense leads to surrendered yardage. In government, it leads to surrendered freedom.

There is only one way a football-loving people can deal with politicians who would rather fix the game than enforce old rules that are tried and true: Boo them off the field.

OH MY GOD. PREVENTING STARVATION, EXPOSURE, AND DISEASE is totally AGAINST THE FOOTBALL RULES of the AMERICAN CONSTITUTION.

Whenever you give an old homeless guy a bagel, YOU LOSE FIVE YARDS AND IT IS STILL SECOND DOWN.

(Wait -- a ref can't make a team go to a prevent defense. That's weird you'd even say that. Hold on, maybe this politics/football thing is even more nonsensical than it seemed...)

FINIS. NOTA:

I like Lou Holtz much better than Chris Matthews.

The prevent defense totally sucks.

Comments

[geneo]

Gold Star for you!

Thanks especially for calling bullshit on that Horatio Alger crap about 1/3 of the way thru.

[my valuable hunting knife]

For people who fetishize sports, any permutation on the idea of "fast, strong, big but undisciplined" pretty much always equals "black".

Also, it's funny how people who try to argue for some nonsensical meritocracy always bring up some variation on "average joes who make it good" vs "evil hedge fund managers" and pretend that a plumber whose business is worth a million bucks on paper is doing better than a hedge fund manager whose fund goes kaplooey. too bad for some investors, yeah, but the managers are still doing just fine.

i played lacrosse in school, and i think a society based on lacrosse would be way better than one based on football. it's more/less cool to be stoned during games. it's important to have awesome hair. if some dude from the other team is talking to your girlfriend or something you can always "accidentally" nail him with a stick right where it counts. what's not to like.

[Ripley]

I was copying and ready to paste, with some righteous smack downs (that's football talk, ladies), and then...

Fuckin' Christ...

FOOTBALL WOULD BE BETTER WITHOUT REFS and MY TEAM SHOULD ALWAYS WIN and NACHOS! AND OUR CHEERLEADERS HAVE BIGGER TITS! WHOOO, DOG!!!!

Your broham,

Rip -

[Ripley]

That was actually a sports analogy of the sports analogy that Thers was commenting upon. Such as.

A rebuttal analogy, if you will. Also.

[Attaturk]

Like football, the REVOLUTION will be better televised and in High Definition.

[Bathrobespierre]

Before I click the link, I will guess this was written by David Brooks (grand wazoo of the non-sequitur). if not, this person could fill in for David in a pinch. IMO USA-football(misnomer)addresses our desire for violent entertainment(bloodsport). Soccer is football, USA-football would more correctly named 'smear the queer'. BTW & FWIW Johnny Unitas spoke of the harm many players suffer from their participation in the sport.

[DrDick]

Yet another reason for me to hate football. Can we just lock all these idiots in a basement closet?

[Michael]

Alan Page and Jack Kemp (get well you old crook) in the news, and now this.

And HOLY SHIT you must hate Matthews even more that I thought.

[Bitter Scribe]

You take the government of football players. I'll take the ones who did well in class.

[Bitter Scribe]

Clarification: By "you" I meant, of course, Terence Jeffrey.

[steve simels]

As funny/appalling as that piece is, the fact is its author is a poster boy for the kind of asswipes Obama will be dealing with in Congress.

If he thinks they're going to be acting in good faith....

[spence-bob]

You can have my freedom to let poor people starve or freeze to death on the streets when you pry it out of my cold dead hands.

Also, Chris Rix needed hitting. Lots of it. And I say that as an FSU alum.

[DiTurno]

Of course, the NFL includes both revenue sharing and salary caps, not to mention the fact that the Packers are owned by the city of Green Bay.

But yeah, it's a tribute to the free market. Or something.

[actor212]

Football is the great American game of homosexual tag.

Watch Barclay's Premier League soccer. THAT'S football.

Or hockey, if you want to watch guys beating the crap out of other guys.

[Mark S.]

It does this because its rules are well known, commonsensical, and unchanging during any particular game and season

Are there any sports that change their rules during the course of a game?

Compared to other sports, the rules of football have changed a ton in the course of its history. Also, Theodore Roosevelt threatened to ban it if they didn't change the rules (because so many people were getting killed).

[Jake T. Snake]

Huh? Sorry you startled me. I was still thinking about Ripley's comment.

[Caliph Garrett]

What's The Natural Law Fallacy doing on the field?

Illegal substitution! *TWEEEEET*

[Bob]

“Bullshit pass interference calls in overtime determining national championships notwithstanding, I suppose.”
The best response to that came from legendary right tackle Eric Cartman: “Yes! Yes! Oh let me taste your tears! Oh, the tears of unfathomable sadness! My-yummy! My-yummy, you guys!”

[Jay_B]

He's right that football can be a metaphor for american society, but in completely the opposite way.

As a lifelong viewer and one-time recreational participant, I've always found football's rules to be amazingly and often times needlessly complex (two players can't be in motion at the same time if the line is set -- why not? Who cares?) and their enforcement utterly arbitrary (holding, for example). Just like life!

The ones who are rewarded the most are the ones who can gain the slightest advantage through cheating and/or being the smartest AND most talented group (go PATS!), again, just like life.

Women are treated as nothing more than useless accessories (sideline reporters) or eye candy. Just like life!

The NFL treats its veterans with criminal distain (see the Mike Webster story for one horrifying example. There are dozens upon dozens of other examples) — just like life!

Most of the leadership in the league (coaches, GMs, etc.) are tremendously incompetent. Just like life!

[Peter]

I confess, at first I skimmed this post. I saw the opening, read "football", skimmed to the end, read "government spending leads to SURRENDERED FREEDOM OH NOES" and then there was this sound effect like a needle skipping off a record player in my brain.

Re-reading to try and figure out how the crazy train got from A to B didn't help. I think Mr. Jeffrey took one too many hits to the helmet on the football fields of his youth.

[karen marie]

what peter said.

actually, i super-speed-skimmed the quotes (even at that my brain threatened to seize) but read every word of the takedown.

it's funny.

[Hecate, Runnymead Conspirator]

In the patriarchy, football is king.

[Spokane Moderate]

Most of the leadership in the league (coaches, GMs, etc.) are tremendously incompetent.

And white!

[SFAW]

You take the government of football players. I'll take the ones who did well in class.
.
.
Clarification: By "you" I meant, of course, Terence Jeffrey.

I may be going out on a limb here, but I'm guessing he'd prefer a government of former cheerleaders. (Who also deserted their Air National Guard duties and wear codpieces under their flight suits when Accomplerishing a Mission, etc.)

[SFAW]

I may be going out on a limb here, ...

I probably should have said "I may be off base here", but I was a-skeered that using a baseball term in a football discussion would cause Thers to sic Jon Vilma on me.

[LA Confidential Pantload]

I can't click the link. Just the amount of stupid transcribed in this post is way, way beyond the recommended daily maximum.

[flory]

It [football] is why Americans are perennially optimistic. We believe in ourselves.

Which means that baseball is why Americans are doped to the gills and require 9 do-overs to get anything right?

[SFAW]

Which means that baseball is why Americans are doped to the gills and require 9 do-overs to get anything right?

That's pretty harsh. I mean, after all, it only took Bush one or two tries to fuck up the country royally. (I don't count separate fuck-ups - Iraq, Katrina, Teh Economy, trashing environmental regs, trashing civil liberties - as separate tries. But, as they say, YMMV.)

[Professor Fate]

Just a few comments
I have touble with an Industry that routinely uses public dollars to build their stadiums being somehow examples of free enterpirse.
George Will (of all people) once said that football combines the two worst aspects of America - Violence and committe mettings.
And re the underdog thing. I think it was Granland Rice who said "The battle is not always to the strong nor the race to the swift- but that's the way to bet."

[actor212]

As a lifelong viewer and one-time recreational participant, I've always found football's rules to be amazingly and often times needlessly complex (two players can't be in motion at the same time if the line is set -- why not? Who cares?) and their enforcement utterly arbitrary (holding, for example). Just like life!

You've pinpointed precisely the reason I stopped watching the game shortly before I stopped playing it.

When the refs can determine the outcome of the game on a fairly regular basis, it is not a game I particularly care to play or watch.

I like hockey, where when the score is tight and the game is on the line, players are rarely penalized (this is changing, but not to the extent it did in football).

The game is played. The refs are not the center of attention. The whistle goes in the pocket and life happens.

[SteveB]

The game is played. The refs are not the center of attention. The whistle goes in the pocket and life happens.

You know, if you could work that into a thousand words of stupid about how we should just let the poor starve, there might be a job at Townhall waiting for you.

[Ali]

ROFL! Most of their bullshit could apply to any sport. The key thing about football is how militaristic it all seems. Uniquely american.

[evagrius]

I like sumo wrestling better than football.

Much more entertaining.