A Contest Featuring Human Beings

Or, the Decay of Football. 

Or.

If there is one thing Americans from every region, income bracket, ethnic group and political persuasion have done in unison in recent days, it is watch football -- a true common denominator of our culture.

My wife disagrees.

More than any other game, football illustrates our virtues as a people, reflecting our national identity and values. That is why so many young men in this country grow up learning more on the football field than they ever do in the classroom -- and to point this out is not to say something shameful about our national priorities or indict either football or classroom learning. It is simply to acknowledge that football's unique combination of physical strife and tactical maneuvering challenges both the character and the intellect in a way few classrooms can.

Oy. Look, I like football. Love football. Fun to watch. Never played in an organized way, but played lots of touch/street/field-grass-kill football, in younger years. And you know what's funny? When Jon Vilma hit Chris Rix and Rix flew like 5 yards straight up in the air... hahahahaha.... what were we talking about?

Perhaps the most important value football can remind Americans of today is justice.

And how great it is to see footage of someone running top speed at someone else and colliding so hard, helmets go flying. Because that is a lot of fun. Wait. ... Justice?

Americans love football because it rewards those who deserve to be rewarded.

Bullshit pass interference calls in overtime determining national championships notwithstanding, I suppose. You fucker.

It does this because its rules are well known, commonsensical, and unchanging during any particular game and season, and also because what it takes to win in football transcends the natural physical talents of those who play it.

Um. The rules of football are so intuitive, there are ways to score in it that nobody remembers exactly how they happen. The rules of football in America have been called many things, but "commonsensical" rarely breaks the top 10.

Just as the kid who never graduates from high school can end up being the largest employer in town, so the kid who is too slow to run track and too short to play basketball can became the fullback who is too hard to tackle -- especially when it is fourth and one and the game is on the line.

Perhaps this explains the strategy of the Detroit Lions coaching staff. "In this critical game situation, let's give the ball to the immobile idiot midget." Otherwise, bet on the big tall fast kid who can read, as a rule.

Just as a partnership of neighborhood plumbers can make millions through hard work and thrift while Wall Street hedge funds go bankrupt through negligence and greed, so, too, a team of lesser athletes that fights harder and devises a better game plan can defeat a faster and bigger yet undisciplined team when they meet face-to-face on the gridiron.

It happens all the time.

Often, football teams that are big and strong but raw squash well-disciplined tiny teams into jelly. Indeed, that is the usual result. That's why the better teams schedule the crappier teams. Also, I am not turning my retirement accounts over to plumbers, who almost always make shitty bankers, as you'd fucking expect. 

I'm starting to wonder if football might be very amusing but perhaps not up to par with, say, the Constitution or established law as far as running a country goes. Then I remember how funny it was when Vilma laid out Rix. Legally! No flag!

It is why Americans are always ready to bet on their own team even when their team is the underdog -- maybe especially when their team is the underdog.

Americans sure do root for America in the "Best Healthcare Olympics." Woot and so forth.

It [football] is why Americans are perennially optimistic. We believe in ourselves. We believe in the efficacy of our own hard work and determination. We believe that if we don't let up and keep playing by the rules, we will eventually win -- perhaps not in this particular game or this particular season, but certainly over the course of an honorable career.

We have learned this from our national history and from our personal histories. This is the way America works. This is why America works

I'm beginning to want Jon Vilma to hit someone else. America cares for its citizens who worked hard all their lives? Really?

And this is what politicians must never change -- the rules of the American dream.

What if we elect them to do certain things we want them to do? Like, to give money to us and not Citicorp? Can politicians do that if they like football?

Some politicians, of course, are tempted to do just that. Some would have government pick the winners and losers in America life, and some -- seeing our free society as too rough and risky -- think they can create a better nation where no one ever loses.

The former are like referees who take it upon themselves to determine the outcome of the game -- regardless of the score. These politicians would arrange it so certain Americans would never be allowed to fail in their businesses while all other Americans would be forced to downsize or forego their dreams to cover the favored ones' losses.

Lookin' good for the individual but bad for Citicorp... BUT WAIT THERE'S A FLAG!

The former are like referees who take it upon themselves to determine the outcome of the game -- regardless of the score. These politicians would arrange it so certain Americans would never be allowed to fail in their businesses while all other Americans would be forced to downsize or forego their dreams to cover the favored ones' losses.

So they're SEC refs -- what could you expect?...

The latter would put America in a prevent defense. They do not believe the role of government is to protect liberty while letting individuals freely pursue whatever opportunities inspire them. They believe the role of government is to prevent people from lacking food, housing and health care by having government guarantee food, housing and health care. In football, the prevent defense leads to surrendered yardage. In government, it leads to surrendered freedom.

There is only one way a football-loving people can deal with politicians who would rather fix the game than enforce old rules that are tried and true: Boo them off the field.

OH MY GOD. PREVENTING STARVATION, EXPOSURE, AND DISEASE is totally AGAINST THE FOOTBALL RULES of the AMERICAN CONSTITUTION.

Whenever you give an old homeless guy a bagel, YOU LOSE FIVE YARDS AND IT IS STILL SECOND DOWN.

(Wait -- a ref can't make a team go to a prevent defense. That's weird you'd even say that. Hold on, maybe this politics/football thing is even more nonsensical than it seemed...)

FINIS. NOTA:

I like Lou Holtz much better than Chris Matthews.

The prevent defense totally sucks.