As Amanda noted the other day, the always Very Serious Caitlin Flanagan recently suggested that anyone truly committed to ending the Scourge of Teen Pregnancy has a lot to learn from books about vampires.
Amanda seems to think this is kind of silly, but has apparently not realized that Flanagan is not alone in finally realizing that vampires are excellent role models for our nation's female-pubescent youth. For example, here is Medical Professional Doctor Miriam Grossman, a Professional Medical Doctor, who recommends that more teenagers should emulate vampires when they contemplate fucking.
When standards are lowered to these abysmal levels, teens get a green light for behavior they’ll regret. Instead, a girl should be encouraged to wait until her own Edward Cullen comes along, a man who has waited for her as she has for him; who will stay at her side, fight battles for her, and prove himself. “Your scent is a drug to me,” Edward tells Bella, while eyeing her neck with hunger. But he doesn’t give in. As Tanya pointed out, he fights the toughest battle – the struggle against himself – in order to keep her safe and whole. This is what our girls are dreaming about, and this is what they deserve.
Now that’s something you can sink your teeth into.
It's true -- most young women are very much attracted to young men who think they smell nice but won't really chomp out their aortas. This is not even controversial. But it is also a lesson that needs to be reinforced:
The problem is that girls pay a very high price for sexual behavior, much higher than guys, and that must be acknowledged. Guys usually have silent infections; girls suffer the symptoms. Even with “protection,” she’s likely to be infected with a genital virus from one of her first partners. Even with contraception, pregnancies occur. And even with a truckload of every type of pharmaceutical or latex device, empty relationships cause casualties.
Exactly. A guy gets "Silent Syphilis," or, as it is advertised in the catalogue, "Whisper-Clean Wintermint-Fresh Syphilis."
A chick, though, gets "Ding-a-Ling Yuck Syphilis," where big giant bells, bottle-rockets, and WWII-era "whooga-whooga" alarms go off over her crotch, and fireworks burst up spelling out "SLUT" at inappropriate times, like holiday meals with The Pope, Your Boss, and Grandma. And condoms? HA! Mostly those are just like those big giant comedy cans where, like, when you open them, big giant spotted comedy snakes burst out (!), with an amusing big giant comedy SPROING noise. Big giant comedy fun!
Wait, got distracted... Oh right. Now, as a Dad of a 4-year-old girl myself, I am absolutely convinced that I should tell my daughter that her ideal mate is A VAMPIRE, someone who totally wants to rip out her throat and drink her blood, but won't for a long time, at least until she finally gives in after 1600+-pages and agrees it's a good idea as the goddamn thing has to stop somewhere, and why not end with her getting slammed and exsanguinated. My little princess. Sob.
But I really do have to wonder: are Vampires truly better role models for my tiny angel than, say, Zombies? If she really is just to be hapless prey to the Undead, why should she wait? Because it must be admitted that all the foreplay just eventually ends in her getting devoured and then going "ooga-ooga" a lot. Why not have her just rip out some random punter's thigh and have a nice little chew right from the get-go?
Of course, I don't have a column at Townhall or compost rights at the New York Times, so these are maybe too deep waters for me. Or else, if it's not too wacky, Molly I & I will try to see if maybe our kid can perhaps grow up as a human being.
UPDATE: This sentence:
"Your scent is a drug to me," Edward tells Bella, while eyeing her neck with hunger.
That is, as they say, The Shit.
