Chuck Norris Has the Fighting Prowess of 10 Ordinary Homophobic Bigots!

The question has been batted about as to what the "mission" of liberal blogs is supposed to be now that we've (pretty much singlehandedly) elected a Godless Communist to the White House and (also singlehandedly) delivered the national legislature into the hands of Howling Amoral Maoists.

As for Whiskey Fire, I think we'll be satisfied if in two years or so it is generally acknowledged that gristly dumbass Chuck Norris is a hateful fucking bigot.

I'm not kidding. Chuck Norris has acquired over the past few years a sort of kitschy Internets cachet, which was all very amusing until the fun & games quite literally resurrected his silly career and gave him a platform at Townhall and other right-wing online armpits.

This is in some ways hilarious, because Chuck Norris is, beyond question, incredibly stupid. But he played an activist role in passing Prop 8 and really, really, really, shamefully believes that homosexuals do not deserve equal treatment under the law. Hark to his bullshit justifications for hating on his fellow Americans:

The truth is that the great majority of Prop. 8 advocates are not bigots or hatemongers. They are American citizens who are following 5,000 years of human history and the belief of every major people and religion: Marriage is a sacred union between a man and a woman. Their pro-Prop. 8 votes weren't intended to deprive any group of its rights; they were safeguarding their honest convictions regarding the boundaries of marriage.

It's like talking to a chimpanzee... a Chimpanzee of Hate! Or at least its Simian Stunt Double of Oppression.

Dear Chuck: In a secular state -- like ours is, theoretically -- all that "sacred union" and "major religion" shit is all my balls. And yes, actual legal rights are involved, and actual human beings, Chuck, you fucking idiot hatemongering bigot.

So let's play! Enough of this non-humorous crap -- here's the Real Chuck Norris Homophobe Facts! Holy shit are these amusing!

Chuck Norris hates gays so much, when he saw the Boogeyman in his closet, he called him a fag!

Chuck Norris thinks anyone you love who is gay is going to hell and he's cool with that!

Chuck Norris posters have been masturbated to by many gay men, and he hates all of them!

Chuck Norris is so tough, he will kick the ass of any gay person so gay as to try to assert any gay legal rights when their gay lover is in medical trouble!

Chuck Norris is good at kicking people, and he thinks that any child with gay parents is fucked because of how gay the kid's parents are!

Chuck Norris's religion is so butch, he thinks it gives him the right to impose his own cramped and inhumane morality on people he doesn't know!

Chuck Norris is so strong, he thinks the will of the majority should absolutely prevail over the rights of the minority, even when the minority loses by like a 4 percent margin!

Chuck Norris reads his own press, and apparently also the nonsense on the internet about how cool he is, and this has led him to believe that he is something else besides a halfway intelligent bigoted fucknobble!

Chuck Norris, in short, can bite me. Bigot.