Chuck Norris Has the Fighting Prowess of 10 Ordinary Homophobic Bigots!

The question has been batted about as to what the "mission" of liberal blogs is supposed to be now that we've (pretty much singlehandedly) elected a Godless Communist to the White House and (also singlehandedly) delivered the national legislature into the hands of Howling Amoral Maoists.

As for Whiskey Fire, I think we'll be satisfied if in two years or so it is generally acknowledged that gristly dumbass Chuck Norris is a hateful fucking bigot.

I'm not kidding. Chuck Norris has acquired over the past few years a sort of kitschy Internets cachet, which was all very amusing until the fun & games quite literally resurrected his silly career and gave him a platform at Townhall and other right-wing online armpits.

This is in some ways hilarious, because Chuck Norris is, beyond question, incredibly stupid. But he played an activist role in passing Prop 8 and really, really, really, shamefully believes that homosexuals do not deserve equal treatment under the law. Hark to his bullshit justifications for hating on his fellow Americans:

The truth is that the great majority of Prop. 8 advocates are not bigots or hatemongers. They are American citizens who are following 5,000 years of human history and the belief of every major people and religion: Marriage is a sacred union between a man and a woman. Their pro-Prop. 8 votes weren't intended to deprive any group of its rights; they were safeguarding their honest convictions regarding the boundaries of marriage.

It's like talking to a chimpanzee... a Chimpanzee of Hate! Or at least its Simian Stunt Double of Oppression.

Dear Chuck: In a secular state -- like ours is, theoretically -- all that "sacred union" and "major religion" shit is all my balls. And yes, actual legal rights are involved, and actual human beings, Chuck, you fucking idiot hatemongering bigot.

So let's play! Enough of this non-humorous crap -- here's the Real Chuck Norris Homophobe Facts! Holy shit are these amusing!

Chuck Norris hates gays so much, when he saw the Boogeyman in his closet, he called him a fag!

Chuck Norris thinks anyone you love who is gay is going to hell and he's cool with that!

Chuck Norris posters have been masturbated to by many gay men, and he hates all of them!

Chuck Norris is so tough, he will kick the ass of any gay person so gay as to try to assert any gay legal rights when their gay lover is in medical trouble!

Chuck Norris is good at kicking people, and he thinks that any child with gay parents is fucked because of how gay the kid's parents are!

Chuck Norris's religion is so butch, he thinks it gives him the right to impose his own cramped and inhumane morality on people he doesn't know!

Chuck Norris is so strong, he thinks the will of the majority should absolutely prevail over the rights of the minority, even when the minority loses by like a 4 percent margin!

Chuck Norris reads his own press, and apparently also the nonsense on the internet about how cool he is, and this has led him to believe that he is something else besides a halfway intelligent bigoted fucknobble!

Chuck Norris, in short, can bite me. Bigot.

Comments

[Jeremy]

Fucknobble. That's a nice one.

Chuck Norris is so far in the closet, it will take the Texas Rangers to find him.

[julia]

5,000 years of human history

Presumably this means that for the first 769 years the God of the Hebrews allowed gay marriage?

[Jemand von Niemand]

I'm with Julia: If there's been a more pronounced case of being buried in Fibber McGee's Closet than Norris, I'd be surprised -- though Larry Craig does get close, in an SNL-skit sort of way.

[Jemand von Niemand]

I'm sorry, Julia; that was someone else's comment.

[Auntie Claire's Hand]

Chuck Norris is such a homophobe, Sarah Palin's imaginary gay friend won't even talk to him.

[DrDick]

Chuck Norris is, beyond question, incredibly stupid.

The master of understatement as always.

And quit insulting chimpanzees, who are both smarter and far more tolerant than the brain dead Mr. Norris.

[actor212]

Their pro-Prop. 8 votes weren't intended to deprive any group of its rights; they were safeguarding their honest convictions regarding the boundaries of marriage.

Isn't this kind of like saying you should only have a detached garage since the neighbors drive Yugos?

And the technical term is "fucknozzle" after the end of the douche hose.

And Chuck Norris is so tough, he uses Mr T as a sex toy.

[Lesserdevil]

Don't sugar coat it. Tell us what you really think about Chuck Norris.

If there was some way to prove it one way or another, then I would bet a large sum of money that Chuck has experimented. "Methinks thou doth protest too much."

[Jay_B]

Norris is so not gay he lets other men fuck him up the ass just to prove how little it affects him.

[actor212]

Norris is so not gay that he purposely got a bad toupee so you wouldn't think he was.

[Bitter Scribe]

Their pro-Prop. 8 votes weren't intended to deprive any group of its rights; they were safeguarding their honest convictions regarding the boundaries of marriage.

Of course, Prop. 8 had the effect of depriving a group of its rights, but as we all know, intention trumps everything.

[Jemand von Niemand]

Norris is so not gay that he spends a fair amount on extended bukkake weeknds in Bangkok.

[coozledad]

Just don't sniff his glove.

[steve simels]

Chuck Norris, in short, can bite me. Bigot.

It is perhaps one of the nicest fallouts of Obama's election that for the first time since Reagan you can say this stuff secure in the knowledge that most sane people agree with you.

Seriously, the raving batshit insane wingers are at last becoming the figures of scorn and fun that nature intended them to be.

[actor212]

Chuck Norris is so not gay, he wears one glove so everyone thinks he's as butch as Michael Jackson.

[theperilouspea]

If Nature had intended for wing nuts to be bat shit gay , they would have given norrissholes .
Talking about certain individuals brings the simplest things a certain mystery .

[Jemand von Niemand]

Chuck Norris is so not gay that he goes to busy leather bars just to give them a hand. You know, with the trade.

Bonus Pop Quiz! What does wearing a Bandanna with a picture of Chuck, tucked into your right back pocket, signify?

[seventwentyfour]

What does wearing a Bandanna with a picture of Chuck, tucked into your right back pocket, signify?

Dunno. You just came from the release party for Bradcock: Pissing 'n Action III?

[Jake T. Snake]

Ironically enough, in the above picture he looks a little like a leather-bear.

Or maybe like Ryan O'Neal circa "Partners".

[anonymous37]

I can't believe no one linked to Fuck Norris Facts.

[Me]

Chuck Norris is so far in the closet, it will take the Texas Rangers to find him.

The Texas Rangers, you say? Didn't George Bush used to run them? How'd they do?

[flory]

Seriously, the raving batshit insane wingers are at last becoming the figures of scorn and fun that nature intended them to be.

And as we all know, there was intelligent design in nature's plan -- which means jeebus intended for Chucknozzle Norris to become a figure of scorn.

I'm sure that's in the bible somewhere.....

[R Keller]

You and the comments on this site reveal the deep rage and intolerance you all have towards anyone who disagrees with your view that the recorded history of culture and societal norms should be thrown out because you want to call your cohabitation marriage. If you cannot see the sociological value and benefit of maintaining the definition of marriage as between a man and a woman, it is not because the benefit isn't there and is not extremely important for the survival of humanity.

Get over your compulsion to make everyone else affirm your lifestyle as being on the same level as theirs. I am fully convinced that the issue is not marriage, but the desire to establish and promote homosexuality and multiple other fringe lifestyles as equally acceptable and even beneficial to present to children as just one of their choices.

If our society and culture do take that fateful step, it won't be long before we will be losing more than the value of our 401k's.

[coozledad]

"Get over your compulsion to make everyone else affirm your lifestyle as being on the same level as theirs."

I laugh.

[::matthew]

teh gay guns carry chuck norris for protection...oh wait

[actor212]

I am fully convinced that the issue is not marriage, but the desire to establish and promote homosexuality and multiple other fringe lifestyles as equally acceptable and even beneficial to present to children as just one of their choices.

Nonsense.

Putting aside your rage at us (projecting a little there, Keller), in many states where homosexual marriage is banned, two heterosexual people "living in sin" is eventually considered a "common law marriage".

So clearly this isn't about the sanctity of an institution, as you infer. And it's not about rolling back divorce laws to demand that people honor a promise made to God Himself.

No, this, like miscegenation a generation ago, is about what you perceive as a scary arrangement that makes you uncomfortable.

Do you shun your divorced friends?

No. I bet you even have relatives who've been divorced and send them Christmas cards every year instead of railing "Matthew 19:9" and damning them.

Do you shun those in common law marriages?

No. I bet you even have relatives who live in them.

But damn, two people who live in love who want to demonstrate that love with a faithful commitment to each other under God's heaven...who are ye to judge, son?

Damn you to hell, sir. Damn you and your ilk!

And I say that wearing my collar, as an ordained Christian minister.

[Captain Goto]

"R Keller" can be as "firmly convinced" as he wants, of whatever the fuck he wants.

It won't become one iota more true, and he won't become one iota less of an asshole for being "firmly convinced" of it. Nor will it make him one iota less "intolerant" than he asserts that *we* are.

Fucking scared-shitless, pathetic moron. I hope he rots in whatever hell he believes that gay people are consigned to.

Oh, and anonymous37--that "Fuck Norris Facts" site is pure gold.

[Jay_B]

If you cannot see the sociological value and benefit of maintaining the definition of marriage as between a man and a woman, it is not because the benefit isn't there and is not extremely important for the survival of humanity.

What? So marriage is why we procreate? Who knew?

Look pal, get over your compulsion to make everyone else affirm your lifestyle as being on the same level as theirs. Because we don't cotton to bigots who are afraid of civil rights for people who are asking for nothing more than to enjoy the delights of marriage that so many of us straights have endured over the years.

[Thers]

You and the comments on this site reveal the deep rage and intolerance you all have towards anyone who disagrees with your view that the recorded history of culture and societal norms should be thrown out because you want to call your cohabitation marriage.

I do call my cohabitation marriage. I'm straight. And married. But I'm not a bigot, so I support equal rights for homosexuals.

And you got me! Yes, I do want homosexual relationships to no longer be called "fringe" or whatever the hell you want to call them. And yes, I am angry, and yes, I am completely intolerant of people like you and your nonsensical, paranoid "ideas."

My wife and I have even allowed openly gay people in our house and let them interact with our children. More than once! Booga booga!

[Good Old Julius Streicher (Ret.)]

If our society and culture do take that fateful step, it won't be long before we will be losing more than the value of our 401k's.

Ja; Purity! Purity of the Volk!

This of the impurity among us must not be allowed -- and all who say different are the traitors and not of the godly!

We must slowly disenfranchise them, shun them, make the laws which say they cannot be among us; and one wonderful day, we will find the leaders which will give permission to remove them once and their wickedness and for all!

Or else, we will lose the one thing we hold most dear -- our precious rage against all things not us!

We must not be sleeping! We must be awake; awake to the danger! We -- we must... mustzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzz (snuck) zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz (nrf) zzzz...

[SpankingBeaArthur]

Priceless Post! My new catch phrase: Fucknobble of Hate!