If Hillary Rodham Clinton is named Secretary of State by Barack Obama, I confidently predict that she will "go rogue," rampaging through Foggy Bottom like a savage, drunken elephant, stomping mid-level diplomats to jelly, dashing out the brains of beareaucrats with one flick of her mighty trunk. Then she will barrel furiously down the avenues of the nation's capital, mind inflamed with the feral lust to destroy, by savage instinct alone seeking the White House, where a trembling Joe Biden struggles frantically to fit a dart envenomed with powerful drugs into the barrel of a tranquilizer rifle in time. Too late! Several tons of frenzied former New York junior senator are upon him with an earth-shattering trumpet blast of fury primeval! The man from Scranton is pulverized! His entrails splatter, defiling the alabaster columns of the beloved Shrine to Democracy with crimson gore! In the Oval Office, a quivering President Obama weeps softly behind his desk as the venerable structure shudders and crumbles with the ferocious violence of her inexorable advance, her unquenchable thirst for pachydermal vengeance! Even at the last possible moment, when the enraged Clinton bursts the Oval Office door into matchsticks and bears down on him, unstoppable, elephantine, slavering, one last thought, pure and true, rings in his brain like an orison: "Well, I guess she's still more of a 'team player' than Lieberman."
Anyway I bet that's what's probably going to happen. And I mean this quite literally.
MORE. The likelihood -- even the practical inevitability -- of such scenarios coming to pass makes me wonder at the blase attitude of some progressive bloggers about this sort of personnel decision on Obama's part. Get active, people! You know what to do!
FURTHER. Meditating on what Mithras says here. Sure, it's unlikely that we're going to get prosecutions of the Bushite junta as a practical matter, though this does not necessarily mean someone is naive or foolish for calling for such prosecutions -- it's not like there is not a good case to be made for such investigations, morally and probably even legally. Put it this way; I was perfectly aware in 2002 that no matter what I thought or said or did, Bush was going to attack Iraq, and that this was a mistake. Do I regret going to marches against the war, though? No, not really. If the case is to be made, make the case. Even if it goes nowhere politically, that doesn't mean it's useless -- even politically.
Here's what I mean. If I were Obama (and who is to say I'm not?), I would be looking back at the record of the Bush years as a kind of treasure chest stuffed with "get out of jail free" cards. Look how much mileage the wingnuts still get even today out of the Clinton "scandals" -- the usually silly nature of their complaints aside, there's no question that one of the standard plays in the Bush playbook was, everytime they got in some sort of trouble, throw out some sort of cockamamie Clinton reference and boom! A Distraction!
Now, even without a formal investigation or special prosecutor, there are tons of resources for ferreting out secrets available to the executive branch, especially with a legislature of the same party, and loads of journalists thirsty of "access" and leaks. Obama is no fool, and his people are hardnosed. If they're smart, they'll be able to unveil or move along or leak a Bushite scandal maybe even once a week for eight solid years. It's not like there's any shortage of ammo lying around, you know. And when this stuff comes out -- and it is in the nature of stuff like this to come out, especially when there is so much political advantage to be gained from it -- among the people yelling about it will be those who feel vindicated by having called for it years in advance. It's not really to anyone's disadvantage or discredit that they want to exert this kind of pressure now, as it could pay off later.
So I for one think Obama is smart in not pressing this kind of investigation/reprisal stuff now. It's not the annoying "keeping the powder dry" meme; in this particular case, that actually makes sense, and I'm not really that worried that the most damaging information won't ever appear.
As for the now-infamous "one Senate Democratic aide" quote, shit, that sounds a lot like noted asshole Marshall Wittman, who frankly has less influence now than The Left, on blogs or elsewhere. Lieberman is on his way to becoming as beloved a figure as, say, Al D'Amato, so screw him anyhow.
Thank you for being a very funny voice of sanity in Blogger Bizarro World!
Posted by: Susie from Philly | November 18, 2008 at 01:14 PM
(sigh) Yeah... well, kids -- didn't we all know it would end in the usual rioting and bad press?
Poor Obama. There was such promise. And everybody knew Teh Hillary was Hotter than hot/ newer than new/ meaner than mean/ bluer than blue -- but who could have predicted this?
(P.S.: Why an Elephant? Isn't that, like -- Republican? How about Godzilla? I hear he needs the work after that fiasco with Matthew Broderick; plus, he's really pissed about that Cloverfield thing.)
Posted by: Jemand von Niemand | November 18, 2008 at 01:26 PM
PUMA HAKA!
and shit...
Posted by: Ripley | November 18, 2008 at 01:34 PM
Biden is of course from Scranton, not Scanton, and by pointing this out I have completely undermined your otherwise compelling scenario.
Posted by: Warren Terra | November 18, 2008 at 01:39 PM
This is your brain.
This is your brain on Clinton Derangement Syndrome. *picture of huge steaming pile of elephant poop*
Posted by: DrDick | November 18, 2008 at 02:01 PM
Puma Haka? Isn't it "Amok Puma?"
aimai
Posted by: aimai | November 18, 2008 at 02:12 PM
Why an Elephant?
Obscure Mystery Science Theater line -- when I heard the thing about HRC "going rogue," I heard Tom Servo in my head saying "and a rogue elephant snaps his tether and kills a coolie!" Which is in turn an Orwell reference (I think). Anyhow, that's where it comes from. I hope that makes it more confusing...
Posted by: Thers | November 18, 2008 at 02:14 PM
Biden is of course from Scranton, not Scanton
It says Scranton. It has always said Scranton. Whooooooo-oooo-ooo... scarrrry.... (uh, fixed).
Posted by: Thers | November 18, 2008 at 02:15 PM
Even I, whose lack of enthusiasm for both Clintons is not exactly a closely guarded secret, knows this kind of bullshit is exactly that.
Have I mentioned I think she'd make a pretty good Secy of State?
Posted by: steve simels | November 18, 2008 at 02:19 PM
...I heard Tom Servo in my head saying "and a rogue elephant snaps his tether and kills a coolie!"
I KNEW it!! I was thinking exactly the same thing! I'm trying to remember what Codforsaken reprobate two-reeler that comment was connected with.
Boy, that's eerie -- even more eerie than my apparent love of italics. Where I live, we generally refer to that as a "Get out of my head" moment.
Eerie.
Posted by: Jemand von Niemand | November 18, 2008 at 02:28 PM
Help! My comment fell into moderation and can't get up.
Posted by: Mithras | November 18, 2008 at 03:13 PM
If you really believe that, I'm disappointed. I'm not a close friend, or even a fan, but I've been reading this site for six or seven months now. Up until now I haven't thought you particularly bat-shit crazy, but as of this posting, I'm not nearly as sure. Good luck on your next career. I'm out of here.
Posted by: Houston | November 18, 2008 at 05:53 PM
It'll all make for an entertaining 4 years at least.
Posted by: flory | November 18, 2008 at 05:55 PM
... does anyone have any notion what Houston is talking about? Or is Houston just unable to detect satire? Darnit, it's supposed to be the people in outer space talking to a Houston firmly grounded on planet Earth, not the other way around.
Posted by: Warren Terra | November 18, 2008 at 06:27 PM
Thers, after reading your updates, I have to say No.
No, this is not the time to string it out. This is the time to draw and quarter Bush and Cheney; to drag them down the streets of Smalltown, USA behind dark horses with much flair and triumph; to flay their backs in the public square and warn our children, "Never, ever behave as those men did!"
Dark cells and wormy food are too good for these people. America, and the World, demands justice.
Posted by: Ripley | November 18, 2008 at 07:09 PM
In all honesty, Thers, my attitude is "fuck it, let them think they got away with it", get to work on fixing the problem and preventing it from happening the next time around.
Posted by: actor212 | November 18, 2008 at 07:33 PM
I would be looking back at the record of the Bush years as a kind of treasure chest stuffed with "get out of jail free" cards
I've been carrying this thought around for a while. A slow trickle of like 5 pages a week from The Cheney Files should really be enough to keep wingnuts nice and quiet for eight years. I mean, I'd like to see Bush et al thrown in Azkaban on January 21 for the sake of justice and morality, but justice & morality don't advance your political agenda. The Bushies can only get convicted on so many charges anyway & then any atrocities revealed afterward won't count against them. Let Sy Hersh cap off his career by erasing Bush conservatism from the pages of time article by article over the next few years, is my feeling.
Posted by: va | November 18, 2008 at 08:36 PM
Undoubtedly Hilary could be an excellent Secretary of State, but more importantly, when she goes to negotiate a peace accord with the Israelis and the Palestinians will she be wearing pants or a skirt? Should we start a pool?
Posted by: Jake T. Snake | November 18, 2008 at 08:40 PM
Totally OT, THERS MUST READ:
http://www.grasstopsusa.com/tt091808.html
Posted by: Righteous Bubba | November 18, 2008 at 11:26 PM
Totally OT, THERS MUST READ
Gracious...
What did I do to love the love of Houston? I am forlorn.
when she goes to negotiate a peace accord with the Israelis and the Palestinians will she be wearing pants or a skirt?
Or a headscarf!
Posted by: Thers | November 19, 2008 at 12:17 AM
HOUSTON:
FOLLOW THE LINKS. THAT'S AN INTEGRAL PART OF BLOG READING.
Posted by: Auguste | November 19, 2008 at 01:59 AM
Not Orwell, I think.
"It was not, of course, a wild elephant, but a tame one which had gone "must." It had been chained up, as tame elephants always are when their attack of "must" is due, but on the previous night it had broken its chain and escaped. Its mahout, the only person who could manage it when it was in that state, had set out in pursuit, but had taken the wrong direction and was now twelve hours' journey away, and in the morning the elephant had suddenly reappeared in the town. The Burmese population had no weapons and were quite helpless against it. It had already destroyed somebody's bamboo hut, killed a cow and raided some fruit-stalls and devoured the stock; also it had met the municipal rubbish van and, when the driver jumped out and took to his heels, had turned the van over and inflicted violences upon it."
http://www.online-literature.com/orwell/887/
Posted by: Porlock Junior | November 19, 2008 at 04:36 AM
The campaign to release one snippet a week for four years sounds brilliant and unprecedented, even if va thought of it first (and therefore ought to be working for the President-elect).
How do you get the media to cover a story and show just how awful it is? And not, like shrug it off? As Prexy you're supposed to have that power, but I'm not sure. But a steady drumbeat, month after month, year after year? And there will be no problem finding a mere 416 items. No shouting, no pushing, let the idiots discover what you're saying. Impressive.
Crazy enought that it could work.
Posted by: Porlock Junior | November 19, 2008 at 04:42 AM
For some reason, I thought this would harder to find.
Posted by: Jemand von Niemand | November 19, 2008 at 03:11 PM
For some reason, I thought this would harder to find.
Excellent. Odd that it was Joel, could have sworn it was Tom...
Not Orwell, I think.
I'd always thought it was Joel channeling Orwell, but he may have had another source in mind...
Posted by: Thers | November 19, 2008 at 03:50 PM
Odd that it was Joel, could have sworn it was Tom...
Yep; I heard that distinctive voice as clear as day.
Posted by: Jemand von Niemand | November 20, 2008 at 05:53 PM