This Film Is Not for You

Is comment necessary? No. It is not.

In other movie news, MGM is thinking about remaking Red Dawn. Um, how can you improve upon cinematic perfection? (Hat tip: Dirty Harry.)

UPDATE: Whoops, clicked that Dirty Harry link. Gracious.

As with any remake we could spend days talking about how they will screw this up (and they will), but think about how great it could be – it won’t be great because that might help Bush — but having an army of Iranian backed Islamo-Nazis occupy a part of the United States would not only be a rip-roaring action yarn but also an important reminder of the evil ideology we’re fighting.

The whole movie should be an allegory about the hell Obama has promised to unleash on the Iraqi people should he win the election. Great stories ask and answer what if…? What if we abandoned millions of innocents to Iranian backed jihadists? What if we abandoned them because it was just too hard to liberate them? What if, thanks to weak-kneed liberal politicians, those millions of innocents fed into a meat grinder were Americans?

In my hands it would be set in Manhattan because an island’s easier for the terrorists to defend and chock-full of appeasers in desperate need of a wake-up call. The scene with a herd of Greenwich Village liberals being shoved into burqas writes itself.

Is war the answer now, punk? Oh, it is? Good. Then why isn’t it when the people are  brown-skinned foreigners?

Mr. Harry seems more than a little confused as to just who's shouting "Wolverines!" or the local equivalent over there in Iraq nowadays.

Apart from that, you have to enjoy how Mr. Harry singles out Manhattan as a place where the inhabitants just don't get terrorism. Now that's being an asshole!

Comments

[CKR]

When I first saw Red Dawn, I was impressed by the movie's justification of boobytrapping bodies.

Seemed to me they were showing some sympathy for those who were doing it in Vietnam. (Hint: not the Americans.)

And it was kind of fun to see a war being fought just north of where I live. I was in one of the areas of filming just yesterday.

[travis]

reading the comments there, I'm struck by how much conservativism is based on angry misunderstandings or misinterpretations of history. maybe that's why they like cornball movies like Red Dawn or Rambo: II, where they can have simple victimization/revenge dramas that illustrate and justify their own beliefs.

Red Dawn was a fun popcorn movie, though. No idea why they're remaking it. Wolverines!

[DrDick]

I think this delves new depths of cultural and historical incoherence. Then again that is the hallmark of the American wrongwing.

[spinoza]

A better remake would be a super power invading Iraq.

[K. Ron Silkwood]

The remake should take place in California. Trojans!

[Bitter Scribe]

"Red Dawn" proved conclusively to me that I was not meant to review movies for a living.

(When I slammed it in the paper, it was the only review I ever wrote that actually got some feedback. IIRC, it was released about the time Ronnie Alzheimer's made that "joke" about bombing the Russians into a live mike. That was my first introduction to wingnut sensitivity.)

[trifecta]

it had to be about the dumbest movie ever. Just in the sense of logistics. The Russians and the Cubans are massing together such an awesome force that they go take over the Dakotas with land troops, yet nobody notices. They are too busy in school that day.

[Tom3]

Yeah, right. As if Iran could invade the US. Bullcrap.

A GOOD "Red Dawn" remake would have the "Reds" be REPUKES.

Local kids fight a guerilla war against US troops after Chimpy declares martial law and suspends the Constitution.

THAT I would go see.

Patrick Swayze could come back as the heroic shop teacher who leads our kids to victory against the evil Repuke fascists.

[Dave]

I think the Manhattan comment is the most odious thing about that tripe.

Also, notice the glee these conservatives get when they talk about us liberals coming to bodily harm at the hands of the jihadists. I've seen that sick happiness they get from these scenarios in many places and it never fails to make me shudder. Remember that these are people that think we should be hung for treason.

[navi]

wow. I had to reread it. At first I thought he was being sarcastic... But a second look and its omg he's serious...

[Bob]

I want the Islamo-fascists to take over Southern Illinois University (aka the Harvard of the Midwest) so the rugged partisans fighting them would use the battle cry "Salukis!"

[Bob]

“but having an army of Iranian backed Islamo-Nazis occupy a part of the United States would not only be a rip-roaring action yarn but also an important reminder of the evil ideology we’re fighting.”
Ok, now that I’ve had my fun (Salukis!!!) just what does the above statement mean? Is it possible Mr. Harry is really so stupid as to believe an “army” comprised of bin Ladenists could in any conceivable way take over and control a part of the United States?
Wash down 20 tabs of microdot, a dozen hits of ecstasy, and 100 pot brownies with a fifth of scotch while smoking crack, crystal meth and unfiltered Camels and I guarantee you nothing you will see over the next 36 hours will be as implausible as that statement I quoted.
Salukis!!!!

[¡El Gato Negro!]

¿Just a fifth of scotch?

[dr.hypercube]

"Yeah, right. As if Iran could invade the US. Bullcrap.

A GOOD "Red Dawn" remake would have the "Reds" be REPUKES.

Local kids fight a guerilla war against US troops after Chimpy declares martial law and suspends the Constitution."

You may want to check out Little Brother (http://craphound.com/littlebrother/) - it's YA, whatever that is, but damn good.

[dr.hypercube]

"Yeah, right. As if Iran could invade the US. Bullcrap.

A GOOD "Red Dawn" remake would have the "Reds" be REPUKES.

Local kids fight a guerilla war against US troops after Chimpy declares martial law and suspends the Constitution."

You may want to check out Little Brother (http://craphound.com/littlebrother/) - it's YA, whatever that is, but damn good.

[Bob]

El Gato Negro: My doctor thinks I drink too much so I'm trying to cut down.

[Gundamhead]

Good God these people are pitiful. Hmm, super power launches an unprovoked invasion and occupation of a weakened nation, and a rag tag group of under armed young people take to the streets to fight the invaders using any and all means necessary.

And Dirty Harry thinks the UNITED STATES would be the invaded country in this scenario? WTF? They really do create their own reality.

[Gundamhead]

Aso, just who the fuck says "rip-roaring action yarn?" I mean really.

[KC45s]

Let's be honest: the Red Dawn remake that guys like Mr. Harry really want to see--and sit in the dark pretending they could live out--is the one where "real" Americans slaughter liberals, feminists, and all the various other allies of same. That desire is at the foundation of Mr. Harry's fantasy here and all the fantasies like it on a thousand other right-wing blogs.

[Susan of Texas]

We're fighting the Nazis? I had no idea. I'd better plant a victory garden and find some Andrews Sisters records.

They dearly want invasion and bloody death, as long as it happens in fiction or to someone else.

[El Cid]

Clearly, they should invade us by nonchalantly driving up from Nicaragua all the way through Mexico, without being noticed, until they invade Harlingen, Texas, and there we make our last, desperate stand against the Muslimo-Mexico-Haitian forces.

[calling all toasters]

They love "Red Dawn" because it symbolizes the defeat of menstruation.

[julia]

Me, bringing stuff to my dad, who lives in SoHo, after 9/11: You'll have to meet me. They're not letting anyone below Houston without ID

Dad: It's about time.

Less humorously, he still has violent coughing spasms from breathing cremains mixed with asbestos.

[Jemand von Niemand]

Even worse was the 1987 ABC teevee miniseries, "Amerika", starring Kris Kristofferson, Sam Neill and Mariel Hemingway. Awful, interminable: It was as if Maureen Dowd had crawled into the body of Tim LaHaye and written a teleplay.

Not much less cartoonlike than Red Dawn, but it didn't have that wonderful scene where Patrick Swayze tells his fellow Wolverines to swallow their grief, and allow it to fester into anger and hatred of Teh Enemy.

[The Oracle]

Why don't they do a two-fer, and call it "Red Dawn in 24 Hours"?

I'm certain this would be a hit among right-wingers, especially with Jack Bauer leading the insurgency against the occupiers, and torturing information out of captives.

But, then, we have to think about sequels. No problem. There're so many colors to choose from. Pink Dawn? Yellow Dawn? Brown Dawn? Green Dawn? Black Dawn? Rae Dawn Chong Dawn? (The last one is one in which clones of Rae Dawn Chong take over the country).

[spero]

it's strange how up is down these days. thanks for that link. maybe what our bizarre buddies need is a strong dose of bleeding knuckles liberal.

really. as in, just kick their asses up and down the block here, for their crimes, so they're too sore to kick brown people's asses over there. or to vote us into more crap, for that matter.

&, if one were a concern troll, the upside could be that it might actually stop their nightmares.

i don't know about any other feminazis, but if it came to burqa-stuffing, i'd be ready to load up the old s&w and take a stand. maybe some of these jags need to know it.

too bad we have to rely on the likes of tristero and pinky reid to tell 'em.

[TheDeadlyShoe]

World in Conflict (game) at least presented a semi-plausible Soviet invasion. But any semi-plausible Soviet invasion involves liberal coastal cities, and that just wouldn't work for Red Dawn. ;)

[Dominion]

I remember when Red Dawn came out. My dad is a war movie fan (and by fan I mean fanatic) and took me to see it. Or rather forced me to see it. What strikes me as funny is how difficult to believe it is to think that an Islamic country could actually invade the US. That was exactly MY problem with the original. I can still remember my dad pitching it to me.

"It's about an invasion of the US by the USSR and Cuba".

"Are you joking"?

"No"

"The USSR and Cuba invading"?

"Yes".

"Here"?

"Yes"?

"Are you joking"?

As unrealistic then as now.

[Southern Beale]

Great, I just blogged about something similar today: A hero ain’t nothing but a sandwich.

We can no longer afford to indulge in this national fantasy life, people. It's how we got stuck with George W. Bush to begin with.

[Ragout]

Hey, if the Russians in Red Dawn can march an army 2000 miles from Alaska to the Dakotas without anyone noticing, I'm sure the Iranians can do something equally devious in Red Dawn II.

[spud]

I do believe the Iraqis are going through their own version of Red Dawn.

[g]

having an army of Iranian backed Islamo-Nazis occupy a part of the United States would not only be a rip-roaring action yarn but also an important reminder of the evil ideology we’re fighting

what'd the treaccherous rag-heads do, storm Battery Park in a fleet of pontoon boats?

[RP]

The best comment from the Dirty Harry link:

There was a scene in Red Dawn - I can barely remember the movie because I was like 7 or 8 when I saw it on VHS - where a Russian soldier gets the drop on one of the wolverine kids. He has his gun trained on them and is about to kill them when he realizes that they’re just kids and his *humanity* boils over and spares the kid. (Do you guys recall that scene? Am I mistaken?)

Well, if Red Dawn does get remade, trust me, you; the movie will have that scene as the heart of its message.

“One person’s terrorist is another person’s freedom fighter” will be the sickening theme. Count me out.

Um, wasn't that the theme of the original?

[pbg]

"A GOOD "Red Dawn" remake would have the "Reds" be REPUKES."

And they could attack a city in, say, Oklahoma, and blow up a huge building there.

[Thomas Allen]

Red Dawn was the awesomest movie ever!!! when I was twelve.

[Yankee]

Aren't these the same people who are deathly afraid of urban "hellholes" like NYC? And yet they think a few goatherders with AK47s could take over Manhattan? Half the invasion force would be taken out just by delivery bikes riding the wrong way down the street. The rest, you'd just steal their ammunition while they were busy walking 4 abreast down the sidewalk, then stopped suddenly to stare upwards, openmouthed. Please. It's like listening to the ramblings of a not-very-bright 10 year old.

[Taylor]

Do you suppose "Dirty Harry" is a nom de plum for John Milius?

For those that missed the cultural peaks of the 70s: Milius co-wrote Dirty Harry, and wrote and directed Red Dawn (as well as Conan the Barbarian).

Great flicks, but Milius is definitely out there in G Gordon Liddy territory.

[Laffer]

Well, you're going to have to hurry if you want to help St. McCain, assuming that's the reason. Election's only a few months away you know. Financing, director, stars, all those islamic looking extras.
Maybe a made for TV quickie, to be shown on Fox, would be better?

[DoktorN]

"Wash down 20 tabs of microdot, a dozen hits of ecstasy, and 100 pot brownies with a fifth of scotch while smoking crack, crystal meth and unfiltered Camels and I guarantee you nothing you will see over the next 36 hours will be as implausible as that statement I quoted."

Maybe Fearless Flightsuit would have done this in his glory days, if someone had put him up to it. Would have saved us a lot of trouble.

"Rae Dawn Chong Dawn? (The last one is one in which clones of Rae Dawn Chong take over the country)."

And we'd resist this because...?

[Mnemosyne]

Is it possible Mr. Harry is really so stupid as to believe an “army” comprised of bin Ladenists could in any conceivable way take over and control a part of the United States?

Yes, they do actually believe this.

If you don't stop laughing so hard, we're going to have to sedate you. You can break a rib that way, ya know.

[Nemoudeis]

A movie about Islamofacistas attacking Manhattan? Sorry, dudes, but Bruce Willis already MADE that movie ten years ago. Although, come to think of it, the whole shebang didn't really fall out in exactly the same way modern "Red Dawn"-loving right wing douchebags would expect it to.

I blame Tony Shalhoub. The dude just doesn't play a very convincing Arab.

[coldH2Owi]

The Oracle:

Thanks.

[JGabriel]

Tom3: "Local kids fight a guerilla war against US troops after Chimpy declares martial law and suspends the Constitution."

Isn't that the plot of 'Footloose'?

.

[W. Kiernan]

Um, how can you improve upon cinematic perfection?

Red Dawn? You could improve the "Wolverines!!!1!" scene by replacing it with a ten minute tracking shot of a couple in a convertible honking their way through a traffic jam on a French country road. That would make it a whole lot better. For that matter, you could also vastly improve that movie, at least a copy on DVD, by 15 seconds in the microwave.

[LittlePig]

It was as if Maureen Dowd had crawled into the body of Tim LaHaye and written a teleplay

"And I thought he smelled bad on the outside..."

The last one is one in which clones of Rae Dawn Chong take over the country

I for one welcome our new hot-bodied overlords.

[Halloween Jack]

I think that the "Red" would stand for Red States. President Obama announces a fresh wave of indictments, starting at the top, so Chimpy and the Mumbler get together with Erik Prince and say, well fuck it, we know our way around Washington anyway, let's go for it. The war ends six months later when the South, deprived of aid from the blue states, sues for peace.

[carsick]

I'm up for a remake. Will they do funny voices? Who's going to play the Alan Arkin character?
Oh wait, that was "The Russians are coming! The Russians are coming!"

[Luther Brixton]

I forget, on whose watch was America attacked and who has maintained a hands-off policy on bin Laden for the last 7 years? I could have sworn it was the "weak-kneed" draft-dodging, spineless cowards in the Republican Party who allowed the USA to be defeated both by Osama bin Laden AND in Iraq. I guess I need to listen to Rush Limbaugh and watch FOX News to understand how Osama bin Laden's victory over the United States on George W Bush's watch was a good thing.

[michael d]

Shorter Dirty Harry: Death to America!

[ajay]

Aren't these the same people who are deathly afraid of urban "hellholes" like NYC? And yet they think a few goatherders with AK47s could take over Manhattan? Half the invasion force would be taken out just by delivery bikes riding the wrong way down the street.

As Bogey said - "Major, there are some areas of New York I wouldn't advise you to try invading."