Unbated Vicar of Scorched Earth

by Molly Ivors

I used to be a Catholic. Until surprisingly recently, I guess, I retained a residual affection for the bells and whistles of the religion I was born into, and in which I spent many, many years. If you're an aesthete, for example, the Quakers and the Baptists and the Methodists don't really have too much to offer (well, I guess the Baptists have music....)--nothing that matches the colored light pouring in through stained glass, the interwoven narratives in the paintings, the surge of organ music, the heady smell of incense, the tang of cheap wine on the tongue. Catholics realized long ago that if you want to fill the seats, you have to put on a good show, and that show is deeply interwoven into my consciousness, regardless of any epistemological implications. It's like the taste of Mallomars.

Of course, it doesn't take much reflection to realize that Mallomars are filled with corn syrup and horses' hooves, and while you can bracket off that information temporarily, you probably will have to face it eventually.

And so Catholicism and I had a horses' hooves moment, almost exactly three years ago now. Pope Benedict was the breaker for me. Catholics had a chance to turn away from hatred, to rediscover their moral compass (and by moral I mean worrying more about whether someone is fed than who they're fucking), to make a real difference. They could have cast aside William Donohue in favor of Dorothy Day, but they didn't.

My late mother hated Cardinal Ratzinger, who headed an enforcer's office we used to call The Inquisition, hated him with all the passion of someone who spent their life obeying their church only to see the church betray them when they actually went to put their beliefs into practice. My folks were (and my dad still is) Catholics of the Pax Christi/Catholic Worker mold, rather than the Opus Dei/If Only We Were Fundies mold. But honestly, my big break came when the depth and breadth of the fireblanket of silence over the molester priest scandal broke, and Ratzinger's answer was not to apologize for collusion or take responsibility or admit that the whole lifelong celibacy thing is probably not a decision one can make at 18. No, for him, the real problem was that some priests were--gasp!--homosexuals, and you know what they're like, what with their proselytizing and recruiting and fabulous art and pedophilia. Yep, Benny the Rat said, we should have known better than to let those gay people into the church--what were we thinking?

Benny's coming to America this month, and though he has apparently decided to stay home and trim his nose and ear hair rather than meet with Little Boots, his visit is nonetheless having a chilling effect on the American Catholic Church, and particularly the colleges which operate under its auspices. One other reason Catholicism held me far longer than it might have otherwise done is that, whatever else you say about it, Catholicism does have a long and often respectable intellectual and educational tradition. Which is what makes stuff like this so discouraging:

Corvino's presentation "What's Morally Wrong with Homosexuality?" was scheduled last week at the college, but administrators postponed it until April 22 after receiving complaints.

Aquinas President Ed Balog canceled the event Thursday, saying the Catholic school cannot endorse a program that directly opposes church teachings.

"I'm not trying to keep people from seeing him. I'm trying to prevent the college from sponsoring an event that displays an attack on Catholic teaching values," Balog said.

The cancellation came a week before Pope Benedict XVI's scheduled meeting with more than 200 Catholic school officials from across the country. The gathering Thursday, at Catholic University in Washington, D.C., is being called a lecture, but Vatican watchers predict it will be an admonishment that teaching and activities at U.S. Catholic colleges and universities more closely adhere to church orthodoxy.

Church officials won't give details about the content of the speech, but conservative Catholics are predicting -- and hoping for -- shock waves from Benedict, who before becoming pope was associated with public reprimands of Catholic theologians and blocked appointments of university faculty members he thought were too liberal.

Now, as noted, Ratzinger has long had a bug (or possibly a comely young page) up his butt about homosexuality. He's published some truly hateful shit about it over the years. And maybe back in his Hitler Youth days, that kind of authoritarianism had legs, but this is America in 2008, dood. Back the fuck off and let the grownups talk.

I've never much gotten the whole anti-gay religion thing: even a cursory view tells you that there's not much about homosexuality in the Bible. Besides, 150 years ago, the same book was used to defend slavery, 100 years ago, the denial of women the vote, and so on. You may believe that the book's eternal, but our interpretations of it certainly are bounded by history and experience, so forgive me if I just don't take the Leviticus crap too seriously. (Where're my crabcakes?)

I was thinking about all this while reading through the gay blogosphere's varied analyses of Obama's tepid interview with The Advocate (primarily Pam's House Blend and Shakesville). These folks are rightly pissed off that no viable presidential candidate has even made a gesture toward marital equality for them, something supported by the vast majority of the young voters Obama, at least, is supposed to bring to the table. And they haven't forgotten the name Donnie McClurkin. But in the Obama interview there's also a lot more subtle stuff going on: his argument that his relative lack of contact with the gay press is just people complaining that he's "not giving them enough love" (hint: "issues" aren't "love"), for example, or his odd Tom-Hanks-Accepting-the-Oscar-for-Philadelphia moment in which he tries to namecheck a gay prof, except that he can't quite remember the guy's name. (But at least "he wasn't proselytizing all the time.")

Obama's argument is that he's addressing gay issues in a broader context, to people who need to hear them, rather than just preaching to the choir (He uses that phrase, actually.) And I can see that, to some extent. But Jeff at Shakesville has a point too: "it's not asking too much to say that you need to demonstrate that you understand the LGBT community is not some annoying interest group that you need to minimally placate. You need to demonstrate that you know that you're trying to become the person who is fighting for them, and women, and the downtrodden, and the poor, and the irreligious, and everyone else here in the progressive movement." I'm not sure Obama can say that, however. He, too, is a triangulator, only he's triagulating with religion rather than politics.

I'm trying to tie these two threads together, and I'm not sure I've managed it. All I know is that, as someone who walked away from my tradition when it elevated someone abhorrent to my principles, I'm not going to get too enthusiastic by people who want to make nice with that gang.

Comments

[Ruth]

Sad that something as lovely as the christ's message of love and tolerance was twisted into the base for a whole bunch of hating. My methodist church isn't any better, but it's one of so many that no one takes it seriously anyway.

[Pat Johnson]

Right on target with this analysis. I tuned out the church when the "altar boy" scandal became a national headline and only demonstrated how willing church leaders were to excuse that conduct that pervaded parishes across the country. They elevated Cardinal Law for God's sake and sent him to Rome where he is now pictured standing next to the pope! I too loved the pomp and circumstance but the church has now left me with a feeling that it lacks a soul.

[julia]

The sad part is that it all appears to stem from academic infighting. He was a liberal until somebody pissed him off.

Of course, a man who can simultaneously believe that seropositive married couples shouldn't use condoms in case conception is accidentally prevented and that he was forced to join the Hitler Youth and stand over slave laborers with a gun because otherwise he wouldn't have been eligible for academic scholarships isn't all that likely to put his own little feuds into perspective.

[Mychal's Prayer]

The Pope will be greeted by protestors when he visits Ground Zero, where the first official casualty of the 9/11 attacks was Father Mychal Judge, the openly gay FDNY chaplain known as “the Saint of 9/11”.

Mychal, whom many considered a living saint even prior to his heroic death, often asked, “Is there so much love in the world that we can afford to discriminate against any kind of love ?!”

We have no illusions that this pope is going to change. Rather, we are bearing witness to two truths -- that God created and loves gay people, and that the pope does not speak for the whole Church, the Ecclesia, all the people of God.

These truths are being increasingly embraced by Catholics in-the-pews. Fully two-thirds of U.S. Catholics reject the pope’s homophobic views and support either civil unions or full marriage rights, according to numerous surveys.

Like Fr. Mychal also said, "Don't let the (institutional) church get in the way of your relationship with God."

Please visit
http://SaintMychalJudge.blogspot.com

[DrDick]

"I just don't take the Leviticus crap too seriously."

As the good Rabbi Yeshua al Nazarat once observed, you either observe ALL of the law or you do not observe any of it. So you either keep kosher, abandon your fiber blends, and stone adulterers or you just ignore that whole Leviticus thing altogether. He also said that he had come to replace all that had come before, which most theologians have interpreted as meaning that only the ten commandments and his personal teachings needed to be observed. While not observant, I kind of think that interpretation is rather more in keeping with 2000 years of Christian tradition than the kill teh gays (whom al Nazarat never mentions (though he does say, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.")

[Molly Ivors]

Dr Dick,
When I point this out to my students, and the logical conclusion that they must descend upon the Red Lobster with pitchforks, they generally see the light.

More likely cattle hooves, but you've ruined malomars for me nonetheless.

I remember Michael Kaluta saying in an interview how appealing the unfathomable rituals and elaborate mysticism of the Catholic church were to him as a child.

Good prep for a fantasy illustrator.

[the Rev Jerry Gloryhole]

No wonder so many priests are gay; all that stained glass and drapey robes and candles...yuck.
Give me brimstone and tongues, snakehandling and barbed wire any day.
Are we not men?

Wonder how His Holeyness will treat that Senate candidate in CO who came out for the Marianas approach to immigration; slave labor, forced abortions after forced prostitution:
The Republican Way.

[Bitter Scribe]

I don't have any empirical evidence for this, but it's always been my theory that the high incidence of pederasts in the Catholic priesthood is a matter of self-selection:

1) Good Catholic Boy reaches puberty and is horrified to find himself sexually attracted to other boys;

2) GCB decides to become a priest, reasoning that God will take away his sexual desires;

3) GCB, now a Good Catholic Priest, finds out it doesn't quite work that way;

4) GCP remains sexually fixated on boys about the same age he was when he first felt his "shameful" desires.

And Molly, may I say, great post.

[flory]

but this is America in 2008, dood. Back the fuck off and let the grownups talk.

Somehow I don't see Benny the Rat winning this one. I'd say the Vatican needs Notre Dame and Loyola and CU a lot damn more than they need Benny. If he tries to push them too far, I could see one or all of them just severing the official ties and walking away.

I can't actually time my departure from the Catholicism of my childhood. It was one step in the journey from pretty damn observant catholic girl to unapologetic atheist.
But I do miss the ritual sometimes. And the music.

As for Obama, I'd hope he's being strategic here. Coming out strongly for LGBT issues during the primary campaign would be just asking for Hillary and McStain and the corporate media to focus on nothing else. The rest of his message would be completely lost. Remember Bill and gays in the military? I'm willing to give Obama a pass now but hold him accountable after he's moved into the White House.

[Joe Lisboa]

I -- lapsed Catholic too -- had the distinct pleasure of teaching in Prof. Corvino's department here in Detroit and can report that he's both a genuinely nice person and an adroit, level-headed ethical thinker.

I can only hope that this latest scuffle will direct more traffic to the text of his presentation (versions are available online, google away) as it's one of the most clearly argued rebuttals of some of the dumbest claims re: homosexuality that just refuse to die and pass out of (what passes for) our discourse. Check it out.

Corvino: 1
Rome: 0

[dadanarchist]

What about the Anglicans/Episcopalians?

They are like the Catholics, in a way - aesthetics without the religion.

[The Oracle]

The Catholic Church lost me when its message shifted from "Jesus loves everyone" (liberally repeated often when I was a child) to "Jesus loves everyone, except for...(fill in the blank)" (the orthodox teaching taught at confirmation...and the beginning of puberty...and sex...and making babies for the purpose of increasing the number of Catholics under Vatican control).

But don't get me wrong. The Catholic Church is no different than any other orthodox religion or conservative group. Making babies is a defense mechanism, with more of "us" versus "them" being the goal. Thus, conservatives abhor homosexuality, just as they abhor any other sexual activity that detracts from making babies, that is outside their rigid right-wing "baby-making" control.

Anyway, I've spent a lifetime studying this ideological tension between conservative control and liberal freedom, reaching some startling conclusions in the process.

1) It had to have been conservatives who crucified Jesus Christ, not liberals. Based on my reading of the New Testament, Jesus Christ was a very liberal Jew, open-minded and welcoming everyone with open arms, which is why the conservatives reacted the way they did to him.

2) The early Christian movement was very liberal, in the sense that there were many Christian groups with diverse beliefs and practices, from some blowing off the Old Testament entirely while keeping solely focused on Jesus and his teachings to those early orthodox Christians who tried to incorporate the liberal teachings of Jesus into the ultra-orthodox teachings of the Old Testament. We all know how this ended...the Catholi (members of the early Christian sect that became the Catholic Church) gained the imperial support of Emperor Constantine and proceeded to crush all the other Christian groups (especially any liberal ones), going so far as to hunt down and kill these liberal Christian "heretics" and burn any writings or sacred texts of these early Christian liberal groups.

This orthodox versus liberal pattern continues to this day, with Benny the Rat choosing himself to be the next pope (just like Cheney choosing himself to be Bush's running mate) being the latest conservative incarnation in the ongoing attempt by conservatives to eradicate anything liberal from existence if they can...just like nearly two thousand years ago some conservatives called for Jesus Christ to be crucified because he wasn't orthodox or conservative enough.

And I just bet that some of the followers of Jesus Christ back then were homosexual, primarily because Jesus would have accepted them unconditionally, in the spirit of God loves everyone, unlike the ultra-orthodox Jewish leaders in the temple who would have enforced Leviticus "religiously," just as Benny the Rat seems hell-bent on doing.

[Margaret]

If that's honestly, truly, all you can come away with from reading and listening to Pope Benedict, then you have my deepest sympathy. Veni Sancte Spiritus.

[Thers]

If that's honestly, truly, all you can come away with from reading and listening to Pope Benedict, then you have my deepest sympathy. Veni Sancte Spiritus.

Well, Ratzinger's no Archbishop McQuaid, that's for sure. But then again, who is?

Thanks for sharing, Margaret. I mean, you're no Anchoress, but once more, who is? Anyway you're still pretty funny.

[Molly Ivors]

Wow, a Catholic troll!

I know it must be shocking for you to realize that among the posters here we have more baptized children and more years of parochial education (many of them under the Jebbies!) Than you can shake a stick at. And I'm with The Oracle: religion is only as useful as the people it helps. Once your religion becomes focused on identifying the hellbound rather than serving those on earth, you're a fucking hypocrite. Save your crappy Latin for yourself.

[coozledad]

The only thing I'd add to the Oracle's post would be that an authoritarian system tends to keep people at or slightly below a subsistence level.
People who are fed, clothed and secure aren't nearly as likely to swallow that pompous garbage.
The Romans just managed to co-opt Christianity into their own phallic cult.

[Redtown]

Great thread and comments.

Mychals Prayer : great quote by Fr. Mychal Judge, "Don't let the (institutional) church get in the way of your relationship with God." The good news is that most American priests are pastoral, and they advise their people to follow their consciences in sexual matters (conscience trumps Rome). Indeed, St. Thomas Aquinas said, “Better to be excommunicated than to violate your conscience.”

DrDick : Yes, isn’t it hypocritical how the Bible Fundies “pick and choose” which OT laws to follow and which to disregard. While condemning gays, they flagrantly wear poly-cotton blend shirts!

Bitter Scribe : I’ve read some psychologists articulate this same theory -- some gay Catholic boys accept and internalize Rome’s homophobia and sexual repression; they enter the priesthood and become psycho-sexually stuck in their early adolescent attraction to other 12-14 year olds. The problem is not homosexual orientation per se, but rather Rome’s own repression of natural psycho-sexual development which would enable the priest-candidate to mature to age appropriate attractions. Thus Rome’s own homophobia and sexual dystonia, not homosexuality, led to pedophilia.

Flory : Don’t you distinguish between the institutional church and the spirit of Jesus? Do you really believe there is no God, or are you just pissed off at the abuses of the church hierarchy?

The Oracle & Coozledad: Great points, historically true. When the revelations started that some priests had abused children, I talked with a wonderful Poor Clare nun who told me, “Now, Liz, Jesus is asking you, Are you going to abandon me too?” She wasn’t telling me to get in line with church hierarchy; she was urging me not to abandon my own faith and love in Christ. Which brings us back to Father Mychal Judge, "Don't let the institutional church get in the way of your relationship with God."

The message of Jesus Christ is just as radically challenging to our lives and to religious authority today as it was 2000 years ago.

[Gummo]

Nothing to add here, except thanks Molly for a wonderful post, and thanks to all the thoughtful commenters who followed.

So much more refreshing than the two opposing poles of, "Religion, yuck!" (my default position usually) and the "Agree with me 100% or burn in everlasting fire while I look down from my cloud and laugh HAHAHAHAHAHA!" position all too often taken by the modern fundies of any of the monotheistic religions...

[Prior Aelred]

Molly --

Sorry your local Episcopal Church is wingnutty (& just because we're sane doesn't make us atheists -- we'd more sleep on Sundays mornings if that were so -- or get in more golf) -- reposted from Atrios: sad -- I found even sadder the recent report that 80% of US Catholics are happy with the church's teachings & the leadership of the bishops -- apparently the leadership has weather the pedophile priest scandal through (unfulfilled) promises & prayer (never underestimate the power of prayer)

[Roxanne]

As for Obama, I think his folks look at Clinton '93 and the "gays in the military" deal that ensured Clinton's honeymoon lasted about 15 minutes and ...well, you know.

[flory]

Flory : Don’t you distinguish between the institutional church and the spirit of Jesus? Do you really believe there is no God, or are you just pissed off at the abuses of the church hierarchy?

Does the 'spirit of Jesus' require a monotheistic godhead?
Isn't a moral life sufficient?

To answer your question, I'm pissed as hell at the institution and a nonbeliever to boot.

[Jake T. Snake]

I too remember a Jesus from my catholic school youth who was in the scornful words of a fundamentalist preacher I heard recently, "wimpy and loving". The last time I was compelled to attend a family baptism at a catholic church the priest was rhapsodizing gleefully about the murder of madelaine murray o'hara. Somewhere along the way things have turned vindictive and mean spirited and I for one cannot believe in that god or church. I have been able to be true to my catholic roots through my profession (social work), but feel that the church has strayed far afield from its own values. The clergy has become meglomaniacal9if they were ever anything else), the sexual scandals being just the latest piece of evidence. Like yourself Molly, I would love to return to the church and know the ritual would comfort me, but I can no longer participate in something so blatantly corrupt and evil. If nothing else, I will never place my own daughters in harm's way by allowing them to come into regular contact with anyone who identifies themselves as clergy of any stripe.

[Jay B.]

Don’t you distinguish between the institutional church and the spirit of Jesus? Do you really believe there is no God, or are you just pissed off at the abuses of the church hierarchy?

Flory gave her answer, but as someone who followed a similar path as she, I don't even get the question here.

Once the institution of God, Inc. fails -- whether it's the Catholic, Baptist or Islamic brand of crazy -- shouldn't that seal the deal about God Himself?

We're told about what God hates, and yet, in the midst of such total hypocrisy about God/Jesus/Allah wants, or is hypothesized to want -- all under the imprint of an Official God(tm) Organization -- God sits mute. Speaking through these people.

In other words, the institutions themselves blaspheme and corrupt the idea of "spirituality" (as Jesus himself did, by the way, if you are a Jew) and nothing happens.

So, really, what's the point? What succor does one get from a God who doesn't interfere with what is said in His name?

Since in the Catholic tradition, the institution represents the Holy Trinity on this plane, its failure is the failure of its client.

[themann1086]

Somehow I don't see Benny the Rat winning this one. I'd say the Vatican needs Notre Dame and Loyola and CU a lot damn more than they need Benny. If he tries to push them too far, I could see one or all of them just severing the official ties and walking away.

Maybe not ND... the other Catholic institutions, possibly.

We've just finished the annual "OMG Vagina Monologues on campus!!!1!" freak-out. Always a fun time. And the cop-out "the Catholic school cannot endorse a program that directly opposes church teachings" is used for that dust-up, too. Our University president actually stood up to the local bishop and the powerful conservative activists and allowed the play to continue on campus, for the 9th (?) yeah in a row. And he seems to be getting better about it, too: this year he let it go forward on campus, sponsored by a University department.

Still, there's room for improvement. Amnesty International doesn't have an officially-sponsored group on campus because they support abortion rights for victims of rape in war, and that's a deal-breaker for any student group. Seriously.

[Andrew]

I had a kind of "trifecta" that led to my leaving the Catholic Church.

First, Benny was elected pope.

Then, here in the Diocese of Kansas City-Saint Joseph, Bishop Boland retired, leaving Bishop Finn in place. Bishop Finn is a hardcore conservative, and not terribly bright to boot.

Finally, my priest, who was also a friend, was transferred. As a side note, I was criticized for talking about Benny's election to the kids of the youth group I worked with. I was told we had to present a "united front" for these Catholic youth. I replied that if they were growing up Catholic, they had better get used to disappointment. Needless to say, the youth minister was not too happy with me.

My family and I are now happily worshiping at First Christian Church in St. Joseph, a congregation of the Christian Church (Disciples of Christ). Kind of like the United Church of Christ (with whom they are in full communion) with a few more bells and smells!

[flory]

Amnesty International doesn't have an officially-sponsored group on campus because they support abortion rights for victims of rape in war, and that's a deal-breaker for any student group. Seriously.

One thing u gotta give catlicks is points for consistency. Life begins at conception and, in their view, excepting pregnancies resulting from rape would be compounding one crime -- rape -- with another -- abortion/murder.

You don't say which school you're at, but what's their position on in-vitro fertilization and stem cell research?
Serious catlicks oppose both.

[themann1086]

It's Notre Dame... and I have no idea on IV, though they do oppose stem cells (and contraceptions... hopefully they don't look in my dorm room!)

The wingnuttery on campus is infuriating, but I actually chose ND over other schools because of, not in spite of, that. How can you make a difference by preaching to the choir? Anyway, here's a recent ACTUAL letter to the editor... 'V' Word Usage. A sample:

Don't worry, I won't resuscitate the Monologues debate; I'm only chiming in regarding that Absurder disagreement - namely, the other half of the play's title. And yes, I'm afraid I'm among the ranks of those "several people" who minimize naming in public what seemed to be the protagonist of said play.

Sigh. 2 steps forward...

[Jay B.]

How can you make a difference by preaching to the choir?

Well, there are big State Universities that don't have choirs.

You'd be surprised how many converts to secular humanity I made at the University of Texas.

[themann1086]

Jay,

Fair point. I was only thinking of the other schools I got into, not the full range.

The biggest thing I've done, or at least have tried to do, is show people there are other ways... I don't expect "converts", but I've shown people that atheists and liberals [or, gasp, quasi-socialists!] aren't Bad People. That in my view is the door to a liberal outlook, in life if not in politics. Small victories.

[Bob]

The Bible contains - at most - a little over a dozen references to homosexuality (some ambiguous language makes it possible to argue about a few); Jesus Christ never mentions it.
The Bible also contains over 3,000 seperate references to poverty; Jesus Christ never shut up about it.
So today, the people who scream his name loudest do so to give tax cuts to the rich, slash social spending for the poor, deny all medical care except in life threatening emergencies to 1/3 of our population, and deny basic rights to homosexuals.
Try writing a work of fiction based on that and you'd be dismissed out of hand by the critics - too over the top; real people don't live like that, etc.
Yet, strangely, here we are in a country where that happens every damned day. Go figure.
Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me.

[low-tech cyclist]

And they haven't forgotten the name Donnie McClurkin.

Bullshit! Very few of them ever learned it in the first place.

If many of them had, it whould've sunk his campaign with the college students and twentysomethings while it was still 2007, Edwards would have finished first rather than second in Iowa, and we'd have had a vastly different first quarter of 2008.

[Molly Ivors]

Bullshit! Very few of them ever learned it in the first place.

Well, you can read around for yourself.

[Jake T. Snake]

Bob,

I disagree, some of my favorite bible passages are the ones where Jesus lisped, minced, made fun of and advocated the stoning of homosexuals...or perhaps I am just tuning into a broadly held cultural delusion. Isn't it about time that we admitted that the bible is a blank slate upon which every crazy wingnut projects his/her own narrow agenda. What if we all just said no to using the bible to verify anything...period.

Let's also not forget as a friend of mine used to remind me, allegedly Jesus was not married at 33, lived with his mother until age 30 and hung out with twelve dudes. I mean come on, you don't need a degree in astrophysics to do that math. It could only have been more obvious if he owned a cat and had a killer collection of Joan Crawford and Bette Davis movies.

[Bob]

Jake T. Snake: Actually I'm a rather militant atheist - I am in no way saying follow the Bible. All I'm saying is those who profess the loudest to be following it sure are selective about what parts they follow. If you're gonna call yourself a Christian and claim to be following the Bible then maybe, just maybe poverty eradication would make your short list of things to do.
And persecting teh gays? It might still make the list but no way in hell it cracks the top 100.

[Bob]

Oh, and Jesus and the Bible on tax cuts: "Render unto Caesar that which is Caesar's."

[flory]

I've shown people that atheists and liberals [or, gasp, quasi-socialists!] aren't Bad People. That in my view is the door to a liberal outlook, in life if not in politics. Small victories.

Were I to believe in such things, I'd say you were doing Dog's work.

Good for you.

[Jemand von Niemand]

BUSH: Howya doin', yer popemaster; As the President of the United States, let me welcome you to the United States Of America. We're happy to have ya.

You know, you're a lot shorter than I figured you'd be. And, hey -- where's the wife? Leave her at home? Ha ha ha ha; I'm just kiddin'... Say -- is it true you shot down four B-17's?

[The Oracle]

Some popes bend a knee...supplicating themselves before their earthly ego's opinion about God, Jesus and words written down long ago in a book.

Other popes bend an ear...listening to the suffering of humanity and the Christ within all humans, as Jesus taught.

But one pope bends a dick, reportedly sixteen times at last count.

All hail Pope Bend-a-Dick. Maybe he'll go visit Cheney while while he's visiting Washington D.C., bending Dick's ear, while Dick bends a knee sixteen times in supplication to Pope Bend-a-Dick?

[Molly Ivors]

Jake,

Saint John called himself "the apostle Jesus loved."

Just saying.