The Nurses Hate Them

LA Conf. Ptld. directs our attention to Red State, where Paul J. Cella, the worst writer on this or any other Internet, ponders the question of patriotism. M. Cella, you will be amazed to learn, is in favor of patriotism, and believes that Barack Obama does not display patriotism in a satisfactory fashion. Or so I surmise; it is no easy task to discern what M. Cella actually thinks about anything, because the motherfucker just can't write worth for shit.

He at least has the sense to begin by apologizing for his abject incompetence:

Unfortunately, I don’t have time enough right now to give these thoughts the treatment I think they deserve. The importunate urgency in our age is very strong: it militates against my inclination to let them marinate for awhile, in the hopes that a structured essay may issue from the marinade.

In short, I’m going to just throw these two thoughts out there, and affix a French word to the title to make them look grand and important.

Right. A good marinade can save many an inferior cut, sure, but there are limits. A turd well soaked in sauces and spices is still excrement, and someone capable of the phrase "importunate urgency" is never, ever going to say anything that isn't retarded. So it's good luck for him that I have the time to give his thoughts "the treatment they deserve." I am very good at clearing accumulated blockage from my nasal passages for the duration of red lights, for instance, so I'm in practice. (Do metaphors hate Paul J. Cella as much as Paul J. Cella hates metaphors? Discuss.)

Also, he always says "in short" before saying something that is not short at all. Why this is not a capital offense entirely escapes me. Kill... kill... I teach English... kill... die... die... you fucker... (I lose it a bit here. But then, you know, if I were the young Chosen One Jedi, like Anakin Skywalker, you know how I would have Fallen to the Dark Side? If the motherfucking Sith promised me I could jam a sideways slithery lightsaber up the freakin' furry Muppet butthole of any motherfucker who put "in short" before a fucking big ass big long multiclause motherfucking sentence. FUCK! KILLLLL!)

Comments

[herr doktor bimler]

The urgency in our age is importuning me right now. It militates against my urge to remain sober. Should I eschew the beer? Should I gainsay it? Another two pints will render Cella's prose nugatory and obviate the usual response of vomiting blood.

[LA Confidential Pantload]

Shit, I didn't read it right. I was sure he said "micturate," not "marinate."

[SteveB]

Cella emits prissiness rays so powerful they affect even the people in his comment thread:

Now, I do not flatter myself your equal in argument, logic, or persuasion, but perhaps you may answer some questions your post raises in my feeble understanding of these matters:

What the fuck. Throw in a "prithee" or "pray tell" while you're at it, dude.

[Keith]

Nothing says respect for tradition and the culture of our ancestors like imitating long winded Victorians at their most obstreperous.

See? Anyone can do it! You just have to forget a century of modern language development.

In short: More words = intelligence. Duh.

[julia]

The prissiness doesn't bother me. The lack of basic agreement and poor verb choices that snuck in because actually saying something is secondary to affecting a patrician eighteenth century class freezeout is kind of annoying.

Why is it that two or three generations away from the old patria conservatives all seem to think they've evolved into whatever they imagine british aristocrats are? It's like the sociological version of thinking you're the reincarnation of Cleopatra. Statistically, onion-eating slave is far more likely, and one of the defining characteristics of the kind of aristocrat you're pretending to be is that they had some very rude names for people like you.

[rea]

Well, it's difficult to figure out what the heck he's trying to say under all that purple prose, but I think he's saying that patriotism, which he seems to regard as a good thing, ought to be based on attachment to American mud, not any attachment to freedom or democracy. In other words, Oleg Penkovsky and Claus von Stauffenberg were vile traitors who deserved their fate, while Judas was a good patriot.

[Nim, ham hock of liberty]

You know, I was about 16 when I realized that using big words and unnecessarily complicated sentence structure didn't improve the quality of the ideas being expressed.

Or as Anthony Lane put it, talking about The Bridges of Madison County: "This brand of overwriting is a sure sign of an author who believes himself to be in command of the language but is in fact utterly at its mercy."

I love that quote more than I can say.

[DrDick]

I sympathise. If you think their writng and abuse of the English language is bad, their social science is even worse (aided and abetted by the former). I teach anthropology. 8-)

[Phila]

Indeed, this is an age that too-impetuously esteems celerity, and thus retards the coming of thought, properly so-called, to its full fruition in the Womb of Time.

And those who deny this, why, they show a want of sense.

[Phila]

Indeed, this is an age that too-impetuously esteems celerity, and thus retards the coming of thought, properly so-called, to its full fruition in the Womb of Time.

And those who deny this, why, they show a want of sense.

[Phila]

Simels regrets the error.

[albany layman]

a structured essay may issue from the marinade

Remind me not to eat anything that this dude has prepared and/or cooked. When I put marinade on meat, the only things that "issue from" the combination is marinade and meat.

[Righteous Bubba]

Did you notice the method by which Senator Obama sought to dodge the blow aimed for him with the appearance of all those sermon tapes — tapes which, mind you, implicated him in a preacher who teaches the bloodguilt of America?

Good lord Obama's been implicated in a preacher! Get the jaws of life!

[Gerald Curl]

I was going to make fun of his writing -- the spelling errors ("too be sure") and the Rube Goldbergian sentence construction -- but I then read this shocking passage.

I walked out of the house yesterday afternoon into the exhilarating warmth and brilliance of the April sun, peaking through the drab gray of clouds that had hung around for days.

It was then I realized this man was a giant and could crush me without even knowing about it. For if he was "peaking" through the clouds, it must logically follow that he is several thousand feet tall. He doth bestride the narrow world like a Colossus.

[LA Confidential Pantload]

Yeah, it usually took at least a 1000 mics of acid to have me peaking through the clouds.

[Righteous Bubba]

Following up on SteveB, that stupid comment is by Socrates. Yes, THAT SOCRAT - oh wait not that one after all.

[four legs good]

Let me get this straight- if I marinade an inferior cut of meat, eventually a full blown essay will pop out of the marinade?

Sheesh. And all this time I bin trying to write words and stuff.

They didn't teach us SHIT in business school. I want a refund. Fuckers.

[Ugh]

Cella also happens to be their resident religious bigot.

[Kathleen]

pensees on patriotism

I'm thinking more like "dicks on parade".

[Pat J]

They are just revving up. If Obama gets the nomination, this crapola will be the daily fare. McCain will will be the poster boy for his "heroics" and praised as a true blue patriot. Fasten your seatbelts, the deluge is about to begin.

[Righteous Bubba]

this crapola will be the daily fare

Isn't this the daily fare?

[herr doktor bimler]

conservatives all seem to think they've evolved into whatever they imagine british aristocrats are?

In short...
Sorry, just pulling your chain.
It's more that he's trying to write like Thorstein Veblen. This only works if you actually are Thorstein Veblen (or J. K. Galbraith).

[greennotGreen]

Very slightly off topic, but I've been wanting to vent about this for days:
I'm re-reading the first part of *The One Percent Solution" which I started when it first came out but didn't finish because damn! does Ron Suskind not have an editor? There are, I believe, way too many - perhaps an exorbitant amount - of parenthetical phrases and, totally unnecessary, commas. It makes the book a slog when I have to mentally pause five times a sentence. I want to read it with a red pen.

Perhaps I could market a plastic sheet and red dry erase marker. A reader could stick the plastic to his and her monitor and edit blog posts whenever necessary for the reader's sanity.

[racymind]

Speaking for nurses, we deal in enough shit without having to read that shit.

Three sentences into it and I could not care less what the idiot said...jeebus.

[Me]

You seem a trifle edgy, Mr. Thers. I suggest that you take a stress pill and think things over.

[herr doktor bimler]

if I marinade an inferior cut of meat, eventually a full blown essay will pop out of the marinade?
Speaking as someone who regularly needs marinating in order to write, I prefer to think of myself as "a prime piece of steak".

[dms]

God,

I, being 53, really am old school. I love commas. I hate that we, that is, the American English community, have sacrificed the final comma in a series.

Oftentimes, without aid of proper punctuation, I have to read a sentence twice or thrice to comprehend its meaning. I'd rather just read it once and understand immediately.

But, being 53, that's just me.

[hamletta]

It's more that he's trying to write like Thorstein Veblen. This only works if you actually are Thorstein Veblen (or J. K. Galbraith).

When you're a Lute
You're a Lute all the way
From your first lutefisk
Till your last dying day....

[rev..paperboy]

In short, I’m going to just throw these two thoughts out there, and affix a French word to the title to make them look grand and important.

That French word should have been "merde"

[SteveB]

that stupid comment is by Socrates...

What's the point of Uriah-Heep-like modesty - "Now, I do not flatter myself your equal in argument, logic..." - if you're going to call yourself Socrates?

"Socrates younger, stupider brother" would be more appropriate.

[bekabot]

The importunate urgency in our age is very strong: it militates against my inclination to let them marinate for awhile, in the hopes that a structured essay may issue from the marinade.

Here's something inquiring minds want to know: when was the last time you saw a structured essay emerging from marinade? Dunno about you, but with me it's been quite a while.