Ain't No Angels in this Part of Town

by Molly Ivors

I must admit, I've been waiting with bated breath to hear what Ariel would have to say about Iowa. As une femme d'un certain age, with Hillary-hate refined to a diamond point at this juncture, she was bound to leap all over the Obama-Edwards-Clinton results with her spike heels carefully aimed at the heart of the one she clearly fears so desperately.

And she did not disappoint.

The Hillary forces at the Plymouth Church caucus in Des Moines weren’t averse to bribes.

They were passing out See’s chocolates to Richardson supporters.

And they weren’t averse to threats. “My wife told me I’d have to join them or I’d be sleeping on the couch tonight,” said Ed Truslow, a compact 68-year-old manufacturing representative. He was still wearing his Chris Dodd sticker when he lumbered over to his wife’s side. A Clinton organizer slapped a Hillary sticker over the offending Dodd sticker, and with a frantic cheeriness told him: “Hillary now, right? God bless!”

They weren’t averse to bending the rules. When they realized that they might not have enough people to get even one Hillary delegate, they sneaked out of their assigned room to Red-Rover their neighbors over, before they’d been officially counted themselves.

It was understandable that Hillary’s “Golden Girls” acolytes would freak out when they saw the throngs of young Obama hopemongers swarming the caucuses. As one Dodd supporter said, looking for her little Dodd corner, “I’m lost in the Obamas.”

Get it? Get it? Hillary supporters are elderly, desperate females, bullying their husbands and playing children's games to worship their goddess. What Dowd doesn't realize is that she herself is a "Golden Girl" lost in a fantasy of herself as a "Girl in Gold Boots."  But, desperate to be young and hip, she's now a full-scale convert to what the kids are doing. Next stop: piercing parlor!

I admit, I didn't see this coming (and how could I, given last week's outing?): the full-tilt crush she has developed on the good Senator from Illinois. All is forgiven: the sense of entitlement, the sharp-tongued wife, the "talk[ing] too much." Nope, now that he's a winner, he's a well-dressed JFK, he has "vague optimism and smooth-jazz modernity," he's a "cool, smart, elegant, reasonable, literary, witty, decent 'West Wing' sort of president who won’t bankrupt us or endanger us or co-opt our rights or put a black hood on the Constitution." Get over it, MoDo: he's not going to put on the Johnny Mathis albums and ask you to neck.

(Senator Edwards, unfortunately but not unexpectedly, has reverted to his invisibility. You'd think a candidate outspent 100 to 1, who garnered a good 5 percentage points over what he'd been polling, would be worth a notice. You'd be wrong.)

As Hillary poached voters in Iowa, she also poached Obama's lines in NH, according to Dowd.  Because Obama, according to the pundittery, owns the words hope™ and change™, so anyone using those words must by definition be stealing from him. Whatever. It's retarded on the face of it, and, as noted in last night's debate by all three front-runners, any of them would provide a reasonable and positive  hope™  for change™ from the current administration.

The first rule of pundittery is simple: never, ever admit collusion.  Maureen Dowd won a Pulitzer for her work on the Lewinsky scandal, but adherence to this  rule means that the blame for the whole impeachment theater of a decade ago must be placed not on the wingnut wurlitzer or the pundits who begged to be their waterboys (and girls), but on the Clintons who, in short skirts and wearing too much makeup, asked to be attacked by it. To Hillary's quite reasonable assertion that none of the other candidates has the experience dealing with the "Repubican attack machine" as she--a claim I'd have thought would be relatively uncontroversial--Dowd replies: "What she doesn’t mention is that she knows how to fight off the Republican attack machine because she and her husband were so adept at revving it up." Huh. I guess it was all their fault all along. My mistake.

Anyone who honestly believes that the attack machine will stand down if the Democratic candidate is someone not named Clinton, or over talk of bipartisanship, or if there's a Republican in the Cabinet needs to have their head examined. The machine hasn't yet figured out how to attack Obama without revealing its racist underpinnings, but it will. They aren't even bothering to attack my candidate, but the media blackout surrounding his candidacy is attack enough. And should that fail, they've always got his hair. I worry about both Obama and Edwards, because they may have things in their lives that the press hasn't been masticating for 17 years, and that's a potential problem.

But I'm far more worried that the Obama supporters Dowd mentions in her column are Republicans who assure her that they are "ready for the red state, blue state merger. They said they didn’t want Hill and Bill back in the White House, and that John McCain was too much of a yes man for W., who had betrayed Republicans with his handling of the Iraq war and his fiscal irresponsibility."

I know it's considered strident and un-coral to point this out, but they're fucking Republicans. I don't care that they're disappointed in the sociopath they've given us for eight years. Clearly, their hatred of the Clintons burns as strong as Maureen's (which is undoubtedly why she chose them). Why do these people get to choose my candidate? It's bullshit. It may make MoDo feel better about seducing William Kristol, but these people are fucking scorched-earth lunatics who have destroyed the economy and the planet and landed us in a war in which there are no good options. Fuck them, and fuck polite bipartisanship. Maureen's new crush on the erstwhile "Prince Barack" may make her cocktail parties more pleasant, but it's not going to do one goddamn thing for ordinary Americans.

I just hope™ she remembers to change™ her underwear after the party.

UODATE: It has been pointed out to me that evoking Johnny Mathis is a "slur," presumably racial. Many apologies. I was just trying to identify what music a fellow might have to produce to get the World's Most Obnoxious Feminist Concern Troll onto the couch. For a woman of her generation, I assumed Johnny Mathis was he sine qua non. Any racial overtones were purely unintentional. Besides, Rick Astley just isn't sexy at all,.

Comments

[Arabella]

I love your take on this, Molly. MoDo never lets us down.

gop:scrod

[steve simels]

I just hope™ she remembers to change™ her underwear after the party.

I love you.
:-)

[Ramona Quimby]

Remind me again why MoDo still wastes space in the NYT? She must have the goods on Andrew Rosenthal and Bill Keller. No other possible reason for it.

[mrstrailerco]

"I just hope™ she remembers to change™ her underwear after the party"

At her age, she better write herself a note.

[HoneyBearKelly]

For the record I hate smooth jazz.

Just sayin'.

[Philly Boy]

Nice piece.

The one thing I disagree with is the argument that Hillary's experience with the right-wing attack machine, and the amplification it receives from the so-called liberal media, makes her effective at fighting it.

I think she and her husband were terrible at fighting it. In fact, they didn't fight it. They endured it.

If the Clintons had actively taken on the right-wing loons and their media enablers, instead of bending over backwards not to be seen as liberals, this country might be in a lot better shape today.

One thing I like about Edwards is that he seems the most likely of all the Democratic candidates to actually fight the Mighty Wurlitzer.

I'm afraid Hillary would continue to try to prove she's not a liberal while the right wing continued to make her out to be a Communist and Obama would bring to the table a lot of people who aren't interested in negotiating and accomplish little as a result.

[Molly Ivors]

Philly Boy,
A fair point. But nor is MoDo correct that it's the Clintons fault that the wurlitzer exists. I was just noting that there's little they have left to throw at her that hasn't already been thrown.

And I agree that Edwards is the best fighter, completely.

[low-tech cyclist]

From the WaPo's Joel Achenbach:
"Since the Iowa caucuses, the news has been filled with the names Obama and Clinton, Clinton and Obama."

And this differs from before, how??

The game hasn't changed at all. Like with Bush's tax cuts, the only thing that's changed is the justification.

[Molly Ivors]

"Since the Iowa caucuses, the news has been filled with the names Obama and Clinton, Clinton and Obama."

And this differs from before, how??

They hate him so much they've made him invisible. It's a fucking crime.

[actor212]

Oh, good! The trainwreck that is Dowd is nearly over...it took too long. I can go back to reading serious material.

[bsonder]

Glad I found this post. It was excellent.
Did anyone hear George Will call John Edwards this election's Trotsky on George Stephanopolous this morning?
And the overbearing Mitt called him dismissively, that "trial lawyer"? John is my candidate and suddenly many of my friends are now saying that he is the best choice
even though they may like Obama too. If John Edwards were to win the nomination, it would be up to all of his supporters to fight the right wing every day on his hehalf because what they did to Bill Clinton would be paltry compared to what they would try to do to him. They fear John Edwards the most and that's why the MSM is downplaying his support.

[Molly Ivors]

bsonder,
I was quite heartened to see Obama and Edwards working together last night: it strikes me as potentially a very powerful team. My critiques of Dowd (going back over several months now) are about the relentless triviality of her columns and her focus on what matters least. That she's now crushing on Obama says little about him, volumes about her, just as her fierce hatred of Senator Clinton has done.

As Ramona pointed out upthread, why she gets valuable NYTimes real estate for these blatherings is the real mystery.

[myiq2xu]

The GOP attacks on Obama will come from the mouths of black Republicans, so therefore they won't be "racist."

If you want to know the main thrust of the attacks, watch "Rising Sun." Wesley Snipes is accused of racism.

We'll hear about Obama the racist. Sound farfetched? They accused Kerry of being a coward and a phony. Two chickenhawks slimed a war hero as a coward.

That's the Turdblossom theory - "attack their strength."

[SteveB]

why she gets valuable NYTimes real estate for these blatherings is the real mystery.

Well, Occam's razor and all that, so I'll go with the simplest possible explanation: Maureen Dowd will have a column in your paper next week because she has a column in your paper this week. And so on, ad infinitum/ad nauseum.

When did the Times last "fire" an opinion columnist? The only example I can recall is Tierny's horizontal shift over the Science secton. So even if Dowd got the Tierny treatment, it just means she'd be writing her crap for the Style section, which probably gets more readers than the op-ed page, anyway.

[flory]

I worry about both Obama and Edwards, because they may have things in their lives that the press hasn't been masticating for 17 years, and that's a potential problem.

I don't. If they can't find something in the candidate's pasts, they'll just make it up. It's a given they'll set the flying monkey's to work.

What matters is how the candidates respond.
One can only hope all three of them have learned something from past history.

[Gabe]

Don't apologize for the Johnny Mathis reference! If someone's offended by that, they're looking to be offended or they're the type who whispers the word "black" because they believe it's somehow always offensive unless you're having a debate on race relations.

I got it when I read it -- that's makin' out music for a certain generation. His race didn't even occur to me. Interesting that someone lecturing about racist "slurs" apparently sees Mathis as black first and a popular, talented singer second or third or whatever.

Seriously, there are a lot of black people in the world. Sometimes more than one will come up in the same discussion and it doesn't have a fucking thing to do with the fact that they're both black. Sheesh.

And now I'll shut up and resume lurking status.

[ql]

Oh, fer crying out loud.

What Gabe said

[smitty werbenmanjensen]

By the way, smooth jazz still sucks. Almost as much as MoDo.

[Halloween Jack]

Well, at least you didn't say "Barry White"...

[actor212]

One can only hope all three of them have learned something from past history.

Posted by: flory

Based on Obama's ruffled feathers abot the cocaine thing, I wouldn't hold my breath.

[Emily]

Exactly right about that petulant princess MoDo. But I think even she is a tad too young for Johnny Mathis as romance music -- I'm in my 60s and he's great for candlelit background in my age group.

'Sokay. You youngsters aren't expected to know everything about codger music. You've got your own stuff turned up way too loud...

[Batocchio]

Why do these people get to choose my candidate? It's bullshit. It may make MoDo feel better about seducing William Kristol, but these people are fucking scorched-earth lunatics who have destroyed the economy and the planet and landed us in a war in which there are no good options. Fuck them, and fuck polite bipartisanship.

My favorite section. It reminds me of David Brooks' column excoriating Democrats for backing Lamont in the CT primary - how dare the Democrats not pick a Republican's favorite candidate!

I liked the Obama-Edwards tag team, too.

Keep 'em coming, Molly!

[Ref]

They're going to finish Edwards off by ginning up a "racism" accusation when the campaign goes to the South. The Southern Strategy Rethuglicans will clutch their pearls and gasp with dismay at the "racism" and their housepets in the media will blow it all out of proportion, with nary a reference to the Rethug tactics for the last forty plus years. It will be a short step to attacking Obama for being insufficiently black, and they'll have played the race card without getting any slime on themselves.

[Twisted_Colour]

Forgive my ignorance, but how is invoking Johhny Mathis and his oh-so-smooth, chocolate coated velvet sound a racist act?

[Chasm]

Julio. Women of her generation love Julio.

[julia]

I dunno - I remember Chances Are coming out, and she's enough older than I am for it to have been the soundtrack to her Tigerbeat dreams (which is how I took it, btw)

[Mo MoDo]

I've been saying it and this column proves it. Dowd is in L-O-V-E. And I went with Herbie Hancock as the funky smooth jazz fusion artist of choice.

[kenoshaMarge]

Would you consider being my new best friend? I may be old and cranky and not at all cool but I know someone with guts, wit and class when I read them. And you qualify on every count!

[cotyledons'nbeanstown]

Oliver Nelson , Stolen Moments . Smooth jazz I dare you not to like . I want to see a clean fight . None of this , oof *, and certainly none of that * . Johnny Mathis is only properly recommended in safely measured dozes . Otherwise chances are ...

[may]

This most is so right!

Now I'm off to vote for EDWARDS!

[Gus]

The Johnny Mathis thing? Not racist.

[Davis]

I remember an old SNL skit where Dan Ackroyd played Nixon, and he put on Johnny Mathis before receiving a visit from Maureen Dean (remember her?). The person who saw something racist in the reference must be too young to know much about Mathis. Think Barry white.

[Johnny Mathis' Feet]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=51a3qt9ty0k

[Li'l Innocent]

I'm also female and over 60. I thought Mathis sounded dorky when I was 14 or so, and never changed my mind. Maureen's 55, almost 10 years my junior, and I'm sure our musical tastes don't gibe at ALL. She's old for Barry White, if you're thinking of her early-mid adolescence. College (Catholic University in DC) would be right chronologically - but can you picture it? I can't!

[Waspman]

Holy crap, that was funny - and dead on. Why does the Times run a back-biting gossip columnist in the editorial section? I've been wondering for years.

This was the first thing I've read of yours, Molly. I'll be back.

Oh, one little thing - I'm pretty confident that MoDo is a Michael Bolton fan.

[Molly Ivors]

Oh, one little thing - I'm pretty confident that MoDo is a Michael Bolton fan.

Oh, ouch.

[Peter, The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Satire, Jokes Commentary and Videos]

Hillary also has experience dealing with jokes such as this which my crack team made up last night:

Top 10 Secrets of the Hillary Clinton Presidential Campaign

10 - Does Hillary get really annoyed when the staff gets punchy and can't help start singing "The Name Game" when they get tired, because they slip and sing 'Hillary, Hillary, bo bama' way too many times for her comfort?

9 - Is Bill Clinton the one who most often slips and then starts in with 'Obama, bamma, bo, bama, fi, fi, yo, mama' and Hillary doesn't think Bill is referring to Obama's Mama?

8 - Have some of the girls/boys on the campaign staff have been sliding 'First Gentleman' outfit pictures (skirts, dresses, pants suits, blue dresses, and village people attire) under Bill's office door while he has been out on the trail?

For more see:
The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Satire and Commentary

Http://ThePeterFiles.blogspot.com

Remember, this is political satire, it would be very, very, very, very naughty to send this around like these were true facts even if you really, really wish they were.