Tick Tac: In the Belly of Love
A game, inspired by this comment from TBogg over at Roy's. The game is called TICK VS. TAC. Here are the rules. They are simple.
Below, I offer paired sets of quotes. One set comes from the mighty cartoon superhero, The Tick. The other comes from the mighty cartoon superhero Tacitus, whose humble alter ego is called Josh Trevino. Please decide which superhero is more Profounder. The winner receives a Vaulable Prize.
THE TICK: You know, evil comes in many forms, be it a man-eating cow or Joseph Stalin. But you can't let the package hide the pudding. Evil is just plain bad. You don't cotton to it. You gotta smack it on the nose with the rolled up newspaper of goodness. Bad dog! Bad dog!
THE TAC: When the conflagration comes, it will burn as surely as night follows day. The puerile predator in Pyongyang will do no less. We have failed to prevent: now it falls to us to deter, and in time, avenge.
THE TICK: You know, Arthur, when evil is afoot, and you don't have any arms, you've gotta use your head. And when evil is ahead and you're behind, you've gotta do the legwork. But when you can't get a leg up, you gotta be hip.
THE TAC: Victory brings its own reward, and defeat brings more of the same.
THE TICK: You don't have to be a genius to know that evil is bad. And good isn't.
THE TAC: If their iniquities will not have the same manner of resolution, they are nonetheless the same stripe of evil.
THE TICK: You know, though today was the worst day of my life, I learned many things. First, the world looks a lot different when you're six inches tall and covered with feathers. Second, two heads are definitely not better than one. And finally, you can lay eggs and still feel like a man.
THE TAC: But plagiarism is not a crime of hate; it is not a black mark on the soul; and it is not, one suspects, foremost among the crimes for which God will demand an accounting on the last day.
THE TICK: But what really pursued us? Where were we really trapped? C'mon, Arthur. Get meta with me. What pursued us were our own obsessions. I'm good, you're evil. I'm a superhero, you're a sidekick. I'm a woman, you're a man. What does it all mean? Nothing. And where were we all trapped? I'll tell you where, Arthur. In the belly of Love - Love, Chum, Love.
THE TAC: Logical consequences of a thing somehow strip away the association with that thing.
THE TICK: Yes, my slimy friend, once again slime does not pay. You can't just coat yourself with artificial mucous and slip through the long fingers of the law. It's wrong and it's gross.
THE TAC: How risible would it be in a sane world for the likes of the President to repeatedly pronounce upon the very nature of a faith — or for the endlessly slick Tony Blair to utter theological verities with the certitude of a legitimate scholar or a cleric?
THE TICK: When a nice clean brain tumbles into the dirty street to lay among the discarded wrappers and spat-out gum wads of wickedness, you can't just pick it up and wash it off with soap and water; you have to think it clean from the inside out.
THE TAC: Thou reporters, thou journalists, thou who actually work in the White House, Dan Froomkin shall bear witness to thy very deeds. Is he Victor Klemperer or Christ? Which would be more tolerable to the journalists who groan under the oppression of his rectitude?
THE TICK: Well, once again we find that clowning and anarchy don't mix.
THE TAC: You cannot fear death and fully love life. You cannot fear death and fully love America.
THE TICK: Thank you for teaching us all that love is thicker than most bodily membranes. But not quite as sticky. And that a heart full of love is better than a body full of people. Merrily, the feet that carried us on the heart's path today will be the feet that soak in the steaming brew of happiness tomorrow.
THE TAC: There was a time when these titans of the battlefield would be celebrated and feted, their names inscribed in the book of renown. That time is past.
THE TICK: Mucal invader, is there no end to your oozing?
THE TAC: We neither rush to danger nor senselessly flee. We do not form mobs. We do not declaim to one another. We do not make new friends of strangers in shared sorrow. We do not fly to hate, which many point to as a sign of our superiority. I am not so sure: a well-directed anger is a good thing, and that we do not see it as often as we might strikes me as a sign of un-self-confidence rather than civilization.
Brilliant.
Posted by: Thomas Allen | October 10, 2006 at 01:04 PM
*clap* *clap* *clap*
Posted by: cleek | October 10, 2006 at 01:06 PM
That was great, but you owe me a new keyboard!
Posted by: St Paul E Wog | October 10, 2006 at 01:09 PM
oh my.
Posted by: geoduck2 | October 10, 2006 at 01:23 PM
Wow.
Just... wow.
I've known that JT was a world-class wanker since the old days at Kos and Billmon's, but hacktacular barely scratches the surface.
Posted by: prof fate | October 10, 2006 at 01:41 PM
THE TAC: How risible would it be in a sane world for the likes of the President to repeatedly pronounce upon the very nature of a faith — or for the endlessly slick Tony Blair to utter theological verities with the certitude of a legitimate scholar or a cleric?
How risible? Better yet to ask how fatal. For indeed, to mock at this emblematic instance of political perversity were, in the judicious analysis of sober men, to ignobly jettison a foundational moral seriousness that in this world is rarer than platinum, and infinitely more needful.
Posted by: | October 10, 2006 at 01:53 PM
Atrios doesn't know I'm alive, either. Wanker.
Posted by: NTodd | October 10, 2006 at 02:01 PM
'Tis but a scratch
Posted by: The Tac Knight | October 10, 2006 at 02:03 PM
Which one is more profounder? I was ready to give it to the TAC, until the Tick said this, "And finally, you can lay eggs and still feel like a man."
That's so hard to beat. But the TAC came back: "How risible would it be in a sane world for the likes of the President to repeatedly pronounce upon the very nature of a faith — or for the endlessly slick Tony Blair to utter theological verities with the certitude of a legitimate scholar or a cleric?"
I give that quotes 50 points for meaninglessness sounding profound, and an extra 10 for using risible.
But I declare the Tick the winner, based on TAC's rococo restatement of Heinlein's Starship Troopers' philosophy: "You cannot fear death and fully love life. You cannot fear death and fully love America."
Posted by: jw | October 10, 2006 at 02:04 PM
I have never seen Trevino take this long to respond to a blog post about him. Someone call the hospitals.
Posted by: Steve | October 10, 2006 at 02:10 PM
See the mighty Tacitus here in action (from his Flickr site):
http://www.flickr.com/photos/trevino/148934572/
Posted by: carsick | October 10, 2006 at 02:16 PM
Steve's got a point.
Posted by: Kimmitt | October 10, 2006 at 02:20 PM
See the mighty Tacitus here in action (from his Flickr site):
No Paduwan learner Trevino is, but a Master great in ability to control The Schwartz.
Posted by: spartikus | October 10, 2006 at 02:27 PM
I'm trying not to laugh too hard because my landlady is here doing repairs, and she thinks I'm working...
Posted by: Interrobang | October 10, 2006 at 02:56 PM
Spoooon!
Clearly, the Tick is smarter, but I'm not sure who's profounder.
Posted by: Jeff Fecke | October 10, 2006 at 03:18 PM
Best. Blog post. Ever.
Superbly done.
Posted by: Oz | October 10, 2006 at 03:42 PM
Who are you? Where am I? (I was directed here by Kos...)
Posted by: aghast | October 10, 2006 at 03:48 PM
In the words of the Guiness commercial:
BRILLIANT!
Posted by: TheYellowElephantBrigade | October 10, 2006 at 03:52 PM
<3s. Many, many <3s.
Posted by: thoughtcr1me | October 10, 2006 at 03:56 PM
It literally took me two minutes to sort through some of "The Tac"'s backwards-ass speech.
And I felt really cheated afterwards, when he didn't really say anything.
Posted by: LP | October 10, 2006 at 03:59 PM
Would it help y'all to understand The Tac if you hear bongs bubbling when reading the above quotes?
Posted by: Jerry | October 10, 2006 at 04:36 PM
But the Tick was funny!
Posted by: darrelplant | October 10, 2006 at 04:47 PM
I don't mean to carp, but some of Tac's comments remind me (oh, I'm sorry, 'one') of the Flaming Carrot instead.
Ut!
Posted by: pbg | October 10, 2006 at 04:49 PM
If you read Tacitus backwards, do you get smarter?
Posted by: Turbonerd | October 10, 2006 at 04:55 PM
Now do one with a Gor novel.
Posted by: roy edroso | October 10, 2006 at 05:04 PM
Ohhhhh, thank Jupiter! When I read that the Tac is smothering the fruit of his loins -- I tore my hair and gnashed .
"After exactly four years of life, Tacitus.org is disappearing forever on 16 October 2006. So, you have ten days to save what you wish to save, and perhaps make plans for a successor site.
Thank you all very much for your generosity and time -- and your interest in keeping this community alive. I do sincerely hope that you will see fit to establish and maintain a successor of your own."
Imagine my relief, when I discovered that here on Whiskey Fire you are preserving his ejaculations!
Posted by: Svejk | October 10, 2006 at 05:16 PM
Who is this tacticus dude? And how long has he been suffering from this terminal case of written pompousity?
Posted by: Innocent Bystander | October 10, 2006 at 05:32 PM
I don't mean to carp, but some of Tac's comments remind me (oh, I'm sorry, 'one') of the Flaming Carrot instead.
Ut!
Bob Burden's a wingnut too, IRRC. Or was.
Posted by: | October 10, 2006 at 06:12 PM
And I thought Robert Jordan had the market cornered on literary diarrhea. O might George Orwell, forgive me, for I knew not that Tacitus would prove me wrong.
Posted by: LJ | October 10, 2006 at 06:15 PM
Letting the Tacitus site lapse is Tac's smartest move ever. I'm sure he is hoping that in 10 years no one remembers that he spent the early 2000's incapacitated by bloodlust and logorrhea.
Posted by: marky | October 10, 2006 at 06:35 PM
nice. one of life's minor aggavations has been this bumpkin daring to use the name of Cornelius Tacitus. Its little different than my starting a blog under the name of Jesus Christ. How revolting. How grandiose. How naively arrogant. Somehow it bespeaks the essential childishness of contemporary conservative pretensions.
Posted by: dick mulliken | October 10, 2006 at 08:04 PM
Thankee all for the comments! Except for carsick and the light saber photo. Gah.
Posted by: Thers | October 10, 2006 at 09:03 PM
Thanks for the Tick - Tac, I can do without. It's like reading Japanese translations of American movie titles, only not as funny.
Posted by: iamcoyote | October 10, 2006 at 09:36 PM
Well, the Tick writes better prose, but the Tac makes you want to smite someone. Smite the Tac, anyway.
So, I suppose it all depends on where your head's at.
God, Tacky is such a supercilious little pissant. And I don't believe for a moment he's gone from the intertubes. He's made that promise before, only to return, snottier and more condescending than ever.
Posted by: Gentlewoman | October 10, 2006 at 10:40 PM
I'm so glad you made this competition about quotes and not how they look in tights.
Posted by: Sniper | October 10, 2006 at 11:12 PM
Now do one with a Gor novel
Gor: Cabot!
Bush: 9/11!
Gor: Cabot!
Bush: 9/11!
Gor: Cabot!
Bush: 9/11!
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