About the Shallow Manhole
by Molly Ivors
I'm an Irish Catholic, and spent 12 years in Catholic school. (So you know, when I say someone's in hell, I have a pretty clear idea what that means, just to clarify.) And in the finest Catholic tradition, I have a confession to make.
Thers and I are not married.
I mean, we are, legally speaking. But I had a starter marriage which I have never gotten annulled, so according the Holy Roman Catholic Church, we are living in sin. I guess when I die and go on to heaven or hell or whatever, I'm stuck with the old guy, not Thers. Oh well.
But I never really "got" why priests were the arbiters of marriage. I mean, I guess they're disinterested and all that, but they don't actually, you know, marry. And marriages don't work, sometimes. But I expect there are plenty of reasons for that which don't involve not listening to celibates.
And so today's Dowd column is peculiar. In what is reputedly a reflection on the nature of celebrity divorce, she cites an elderly Irish priest from Australia, talking about marriage. His regular talk, called "Who Not to Marry" is basically pretty common-sensical, but the fact that this priest lectures to kids about all the ways to fuck up marriage bothers me. And you know, I got those lectures. But the conclusion I drew from them is that no one in the world really knows what happens in a marriage, let along the disciples of St. Jerome who think girls are icky.
Of course, Dowd focuses on the "boys are icky" section of Father Connor's lesson--because, she says he says, boys aren't interested. Go figure.
I asked him to summarize his talk:
“Never marry a man who has no friends,” he starts. “This usually means that he will be incapable of the intimacy that marriage demands. I am always amazed at the number of men I have counseled who have no friends. Since, as the Hebrew Scriptures say, ‘Iron shapes iron and friend shapes friend,’ what are his friends like? What do your friends and family members think of him? Sometimes, your friends can’t render an impartial judgment because they are envious that you are beating them in the race to the altar. Envy beclouds judgment.
“Does he use money responsibly? Is he stingy? Most marriages that founder do so because of money — she’s thrifty, he’s on his 10th credit card.
“Steer clear of someone whose life you can run, who never makes demands counter to yours. It’s good to have a doormat in the home, but not if it’s your husband.
“Is he overly attached to his mother and her mythical apron strings? When he wants to make a decision, say, about where you should go on your honeymoon, he doesn’t consult you, he consults his mother. (I’ve known cases where the mother accompanies the couple on their honeymoon!)
“Does he have a sense of humor? That covers a multitude of sins. My mother was once asked how she managed to live harmoniously with three men — my father, brother and me. Her answer, delivered with awesome arrogance, was: ‘You simply operate on the assumption that no man matures after the age of 11.’ My father fell about laughing.
“A therapist friend insists that ‘more marriages are killed by silence than by violence.’ The strong, silent type can be charming but ultimately destructive. That world-class misogynist, Paul of Tarsus, got it right when he said, ‘In all your dealings with one another, speak the truth to one another in love that you may grow up.’
“Don’t marry a problem character thinking you will change him. He’s a heavy drinker, or some other kind of addict, but if he marries a good woman, he’ll settle down. People are the same after marriage as before, only more so.
“Take a good, unsentimental look at his family — you’ll learn a lot about him and his attitude towards women. Kay made a monstrous mistake marrying Michael Corleone! Is there a history of divorce in the family? An atmosphere of racism, sexism or prejudice in his home? Are his goals and deepest beliefs worthy and similar to yours? I remember counseling a pious Catholic woman that it might not be prudent to marry a pious Muslim, whose attitude about women was very different. Love trumped prudence; the annulment process was instigated by her six months later.
“Imagine a religious fundamentalist married to an agnostic. One would have to pray that the fundamentalist doesn’t open the Bible and hit the page in which Abraham is willing to obey God and slit his son’s throat.
“Finally: Does he possess those character traits that add up to a good human being — the willingness to forgive, praise, be courteous? Or is he inclined to be a fibber, to fits of rage, to be a control freak, to be envious of you, to be secretive?
“After I regale a group with this talk, the despairing cry goes up: ‘But you’ve eliminated everyone!’ Life is unfair.”
It's not that this is bad advice: I guess it's okay, as far as that goes. I'd love to hear what he'd say to teenage boys, were he asked. But the point here is that conclusion: if you really thought about who you were marrying, no one would.
I have tremendous respect for the Spinster-American community, and sometimes wish I were among their number. Everyone does. But it's hard to miss the self-serving nature of this column. Maureen didn't wed, you see, because no man was good enough for her. Huh. I guess that means she's a celibate, too, since she's such a good Catholic.
If not, I guess there's always confession.
