All Internet traditions, etc. Just for the halibut.
Shorter Thomas Sowell: Bill O'Reilly totally nails Hillary Clinton for lacking the masterly foreign policy chops of the Republicans whose expertise got Barack Obama elected in a landslide.
Shorter Ron Paul: My son is totally not an idiot, and I'm totally not trolling you.
Shorter Byron York: Google Wetbacks will ultimately prove as unpopular as Google Groups.
Shorter Michael Barone: Rahm Emanuel proves the thesis that places where most people live, like cities, are increasingly irrelevant in a democracy.
Shorter David Limbaugh: I support Ted Cruz without reservation, and I will have you know I am not just any random far-right dingaling.
Shorter Dennis Prager: Prager knows a genuine Jew, and if you're not for Netanyahu, fuck you, yahoo. (This column is deeply stupid and offensive, even for a lunatic like Prager.)
Shorter Pat Buchanan: Here's some weird paranoid bullshit! Am I still allowed on television?
Shorter Terry Paulson: Jesus is better than Siri, not that I'm a commie or anything, just saying.
Shorter Paul Greenburg: Barack Chamberlain was a total pussy for not stopping Stalin at Munich.
Shorter Phyllis Schlafly: Illegal Immigrants are stealing our precious bodily fluids, sure, but on the bright side, Lady Cassandra O'Brien turned out OK, right?
Shorter Matt Barber: For the record, I'm a stupid asshole about a wide range of topics -- please don't pigeonhole me as just a nitwit homophobe!
These horrible idiots weary my soul.